Teenage girl's family turns against her; 'Why aren't you upset by your half sister's behavior?!' AITA?
When this teenage girl doesn't know if she made her family drama worse, she asks the internet:
"AITA for not making a bigger deal out of my half sister celebrating the end of my parents marriage?
My parents announced two months ago that they're getting divorced. I (16f) did kinda see it coming but it still makes me sad. My half sister (25f) has been celebrating ever since she heard. She cheered when our dad told her. She has gloated in my mom's and my faces.
She told mom she can forget about being a part of her life or going to her wedding now, half sister is engaged. My half sister always hated that dad remarried after her mom died, when she was 5, and she said she never wanted to have my mom or me around. She was always praying for the end of the marriage.
She used to try and break them up in the past. Dad would get so mad and frustrated with her but she never let the dream die and now her dream has come true.
The last time mom or I saw my half sister was when dad was moving out. She stopped by briefly and she gloated so hard. This was also when she told mom she was no longer invited to the wedding and no longer going to be a part of her life.
My mom was upset. Despite my half sister's dislike of her and constant disrespect, my mom loves her and she's sad to see it all end before they had a chance to be even friends. Though my mom always wanted to be family to my half sister.
My maternal aunt saw my sister had posted on social media a party she threw and it turned out she was celebrating the divorce. My parents were upset. I could shrug it off because I knew she'd be so happy about this and her celebration does not surprise me at all.
But my parents asked me why I'm so calm and collected about this. I told them I expected her reaction and I always knew she wanted this badly. They said they would expect me to be upset.
I told them maybe if I expected different from her but I didn't. I pointed out that everyone in her comments knew too. There were loads about how she always called it and how glad they were she got this win. To me it's so dumb.
My aunt confronted me afterward and told me I should be making a bigger deal out of it because it looks like I don't care about the weird and over the top reaction from my half sister.
She said mom must feel like I don't care about her heartache at all. That it's rough to see a child she loved and helped raise cheer on the fact she's getting divorced from dad. AITA?
Let's see what readers thought about this one:
tnj writes:
I'll say YTA. Your aunt is right. Your sister is toxic and is hurting the family. While it's not your responsibility to do anything about it, or even make a big deal, being apathetic and giving the impression you don't care it's hurting your mom and dad is adding onto their pain.
When I see my mom or family member in pain, I try to comfort them. You basically shrugged your shoulders and walked away.
crimes writes:
Soft YTA. I think it's great that you're not having a huge reaction and acting like your sister is, because the way she's acting is super immature.
However, I wonder if by "reaction" what your family really means is "expressing empathy"--towards how the situation is affecting them and how they must be feeling about it.
It can be hard to feel really angry about something and then see your loved one acting like it's no big deal at all. It can feel lonely and like they don't care. Maybe that's where your family is coming from asking about your lack of reaction.
I think it could go along way if you could empathize with your parents' hurt and anger at the situation without getting angry yourself. For example, you could say that you're really sorry that they're going through this.
That you're not surprised but still disappointed that your sister acting this way and you can imagine it might really hurt their feelings, and make them really sad.
You can express to them that though you are not as affected by her behavior because you expected it, you understand that they are affected by it and then it must be difficult for them. That you agree that what she is doing is really messed up.
If you express to them that you understand why they are upset, that will show your family you care about them during this stressful time. However, you don't have to do more than this because it's not your responsibility to be a source of comfort to your parents, especially since you are still a teen.
comphit writes:
NTA - Honestly you seem like the only one in this situation with any emotional intelligence. Tell your mother that you understand why she is upset and that you empathize with her. However you are not going to invest any more emotion into a person that never gave a damn about you or your mom.
Hopefully your mother can understand. As for the aunt, her to stay in her lane. She doesn’t have the right to dictate how you feel. If she doesn’t like , that’s her problem to deal with. And let her know this topic is no longer up for debate. If the adults have a problem with anything, they can deal with it amongst themselves and should leave you out of it.
dpepperaddict writes:
NTA. It's not your job to give your parents the validation they think they deserve about you being angry. They decided to get a divorce. Your sister can react in any way that she pleases. And you can react in any way that you please.
You don't have to have a reaction based on what other people decide to respond with. If your sister had been super sad that your parents had divorced, would they expect you to immediately agree and try to cheer her up?
It just seems that they want the validation that you want them to still be together, which seems quite weird seeing as they are the ones deciding to get a divorce.
asapargaus writes:
NTA. I think it's great that you're not having a huge reaction and acting like your sister is, because the way she's acting is super immature.
However, I wonder if by "reaction" what your family really means is "expressing empathy"--towards how the situation is affecting them and how they must be feeling about it.
It can be hard to feel really angry about something and then see your loved one acting like it's no big deal at all. It can feel lonely and like they don't care. Maybe that's where your family is coming from asking about your lack of reaction.
I think it could go along way if you could empathize with your parents' hurt and anger at the situation without getting angry yourself. For example, you could say that you're really sorry that they're going through this.
That you're not surprised but still disappointed that your sister acting this way and you can imagine it might really hurt their feelings, and make them really sad.
You can express to them that though you are not as affected by her behavior because you expected it, you understand that they are affected by it and then it must be difficult for them. That you agree that what she is doing is really messed up.
If you express to them that you understand why they are upset, that will show your family you care about them during this stressful time. However, you don't have to do more than this because it's not your responsibility to be a source of comfort to your parents, especially since you are still a teen.
whatawagon writes:
NTA. Your passive reaction is perfect. Why throw more fuel onto your volatile half sister's fire? It's not going to make anything better. In fact it's the best antidote to someone of her character.
Anything you say agreeing or disagreeing with her will be twisted to suit her agenda. To think that there is an adult out there gloriously celebrating their father's marriage break down when there is a minor half sibling is outlandish.
Oh and your half sibling isn't done with you either, you are still tied together because of your dad, she will use every opportunity to bait you into becoming a loud screaming mess like her - don't fall for her trap.
sakestorrrr writes:
I heard through the grapevine that apparently I didn't react as expected when my dad told me he was divorcing my mom. I'd seen it coming for years and have slowly been losing respect for my dad for even longer for various reasons.
Also, I work a job where I need to remain calm and neutral when others are getting agitated, so I defaulted to work-neutral face out of habit. Ultimately, I just shrugged it off. I don't know if he was expecting tears and fireworks or what, but I'm not going to apologize for remaining calm.
I think it weirds people out when someone remains calm in the midst of emotional turmoil. Stay strong, OP. Support your loved ones, but don't feel guilty for being the calm one. You'll probably end up being mom's rock.
swellshol writes:
NTA. And Oh Brother! to the adults. Why do they need other people to have and express the exact same emotions as your mom or your dad?
Tell them all, Look folks, I'm sad that you two are not able to stay together. But I assume that you are divorcing because it is the best decision for you two. Still, I'm sure you two are going through a lot of mixed emotions.
I'm going through my own. But - in case you three haven't noticed - I'm not the one getting divorced. Nor am I the one who tried to be a parent to a stepchild, but the relationship just never took.
I'm a kid. I have plenty of my own emotions to deal with. It is NOT my job to act a certain way so that my parents can feel better. It is just Not. My. Job.
As far as Mom and Dad splitting up, why don't you ask me how I'm doing or if there is anything you can do for me instead of telling me that I need to do X to make you feel better?
As for as half-sister's glee at the end of your marriage. Mom may have once hoped for a better relationship, but I was born into this world having a half-sister who hated my guts.
I didn't spend much time dreaming of a better relationship with her because she made the reality of how she felt about me and Mom crystal clear from the time I could understand anything.
So Mom may be grieving a relationship - two relationships - she had dreamed would go much better, but I am only grieving the loss of being one family unit with my mom and dad. It's just different.
There's no reason for you to assume or expect my emotions to be the same as yours, either one of yours. For me, it's actually nice not to have to deal with half-sibling's hatred of me and to not have any reason for it to be shoved into my face.
BTW, it's possible that I'm just mature about accepting the reality of relationships. Maybe I am better at not taking the bait of someone else's rants designed to make me or you feel bad. I certainly know it is not anyone else's job to adjust their emotions for my benefit.
I am asking you to stop looking at me as some sort of barometer of the tragedy of this divorce. I'd actually appreciate it if you cared more about supporting my emotional needs - whatever they may be - as we transition into a new family dynamic.