Teen 'raising herself' insists on 'Sweet 16' party of her dreams, 'my mom canceled the whole thing.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my mom I deserve a say in my own 'Sweet 16' after I paid for most of it?"

I’m 16F and I’ve basically been raising myself emotionally for years. My dad was never really around and he passed away, so it’s been just me and my mom (45F). She loves to constantly remind me that she “put a roof over my head” like that’s some prize-winning achievement for a parent. Anytime I speak up, she flips it into how she’s the victim and I’m this horrible, ungrateful child.

Since I was little, she’s let her best friend co-parent me which really just means they’ve treated me like garbage together. Her best friend has always been controlling and rude, and even thinks I’m gay and has literally tried to punish me over it. My mom just goes along with it.

Now here’s the kicker: for my Sweet 16 (which is a big deal in my culture), I’ve been saving up from an under-the-table job. I helped to pay for the venue. I paid for the dress. I’ve put in way more effort and money than a child should ever have to.

And once everything was almost ready, my mom and her best friend decided they’re going to cancel the whole thing. No discussion. Just canceled. So I said, “Hey, I helped pay for this, and this is supposed to be MY party, I deserve a say.”

Apparently that was me having an attitude. She took my phone, made me delete social media, and said if I want the party so bad, I should pay for everything and “get a real job.”

Except here’s the plot twist—she won’t let me get a work permit, a license, or even go to interviews without a fight. I finally got interviews anyway and now she’s calling me “ungrateful” and saying I’m trying to raise myself like that’s a bad thing.

I feel like no matter what I do, I get punished. I try to stand up for myself, I get silenced. I try to work, I’m disrespectful. I try to take control of my own life, and suddenly I’m the villain? So yeah. AITA for telling my mom I deserve a say in MY Sweet 16 after I basically paid for it?

Here's what people had to say about this one:

philautos said:

You would deserve it even if you hadn't paid for it. As it is, if this has resulted in her having your cash, she is (morally, but unfortunately perhaps not legally, speaking) a THIEF.

It doesn't sound like your mother has earned any respect. Forcing you to delete your socials should be recognized as abusive, but unfortunately the people who get to decide what's recognized as abusive are likely to be parents.

I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. Try to remember, when you are an adult, what it was like to be a minor, so that you can speak up, as I am doing now. Meanwhile, happy birthday! Sixteen down, two to go before you are free. NTA.

OooooorahNZ said:

NTA - She's controlling you deliberately and using her parental authority to flex, regardless of what it costs you. For future reference, I'mma just leave this here for no apparent reason...

Alternative_Fill_420 said:

NTA, this sounds just like my mom. Narcissist. Always playing victim and trying to control everything. I was told I had to “worship” the ground she walked on because she brought me into the world. I should be kissing her feet because she was my mom. I left the house at 18 and never looked back.

Do the same as soon as you can. Only gets worse. I’m 32 now and even though I’ve tried having a relationship with her it just doesn’t work. Going no contact with her is the best thing I’ve ever done for my own mental health. Run for the hills!

Sassquatchhh2 said:

NTA. You’re literally being gaslit in your own life. You paid for the party, you put in the effort, and your mom + her friend are acting like it’s their event to control or cancel? That’s wild.

And then taking your phone and cutting off your independence for standing up for yourself? Yeah, that’s not parenting, that’s control. You sound incredibly strong for handling all of this at 16. Keep standing up for yourself you’re not the problem here.

Imaginary-Style918 said:

NTA. Two choices, and the second one does depend on whether or not you have a friend or a family member you could stay with, because it IS a nuclear option, and would only work if you have somewhere to go.

One is to accept this situation, start saving every penny you can, and walk out the door on your eighteenth birthday, and never look back. It will be a hard two years, and I have no doubt your mother will do her best to sabotage you, constantly.

The other is to tell your mother (and her abusive friend) that if they don’t change their minds on this, you will tell EVERYONE, all your friends, the neighbors, any family members you’re in touch with, the people you work with…everyone.

You tell them how much you paid. You tell them about the “friend” having power over you. Ruin their reputation. And when they start screaming….ask them to tell you ONE THING you are lying about. Ask your mother to pinpoint ONE OCCASION that she stood up for you. As I say, this would only work if you have somewhere to go.

No-Measurement9294 said:

NTA. Your mom sounds horrible and if I was you I'd start planning to leave asap. I have a similar mother (narcissist) and it won't get any better so the only thing you can do is leave and cut all contact. It's gonna be hard at first but you'll feel a freedom you'd never felt before!

ScarletNotThatOne said:

NTA and do you by any chance have a friend's family you could live with? You are not being treated right at home.

Martian_Sage_2077 said:

NTA. You got 2 more years. Run away the second you turn 18. Your mother is a horrible human being. She's demonstrating that she doesn't love you as a daughter. She just enjoys something she can control and torment.