Teen refuses to forgive stepmom for affair that preceded mother's tragic death. 'You were her best friend.' AITA?
"AITA for reminding my dad's wife that she was supposed to be my mom's best friend but instead was a backstabber who cheated with her best friends husband?"
I (M17) live in a toxic household and I contribute to that but I wanna know if I'm TA for this particular part of it. So my parents were married and seemed happy when everything fell apart.
My mom found out she had a brain tumor and on that same day she found out my dad was sleeping with her best friend. I was 10 at the time and for like 5 weeks life was crazy with my dad and "Hayley" who was meant to be my mom's best friend trying to make her forgive them.
My mom started having seizures because of the tumor and I think because of the stress too and she died five weeks and two days after she was diagnosed with her brain tumor.
My dad and Hayley moved in together after my mom died and they decided they would try to raise me and my sister together. My sister was 8 at the time and my dad has said she took her cues from me but we did not accept dad and Hayley and we acted up a lot.
I yelled at them, called them names, refused to listen when they asked me to do something and I told other people what they'd done. All of dad's friends, all of Hayley's friends and our neighbors knew and mostly because of me.
I interrupted their wedding a bunch. My sister did but not as much. We wanted to live somewhere else and they refused. They got us all into therapy and I didn't put any work in to fixing things. My dad and Hayley had two kids and I refused to help or care.
I make a point of telling or showing what they are and what I think of them. For my dad that meant cutting him out of photos and I say every now and again that I'll change my last name to mom's (she never changed hers when they married). And I talk about my maternal grandpa being the man I want to most be most like because he's the best guy I know.
But with Hayley? I remind her every time that she was supposed to be mom's best friend and she was a backstabber who cheated with my dad instead. And I do this in front of other people if she tries to act like my parent or take praise for my good behavior around other people. She told me I need to stop bringing it up several times but I ignore her. I tell her I won't ever stop.
Her aunt died last week and she told me I needed to help out around the house more while she was with her mom and her cousins. I refused and she told me this is what the oldest sibling and oldest child does and I reminded her I wasn't hers and brought up the affair again.
She broke down and I told her I didn't feel sorry for her and she told me she felt guilty enough and like mom haunted her enough and she said I was doing nothing but driving her crazy and making her feel like she had to isolate from everyone because otherwise the whole world would know with the way I act.
She told me I was bullying her and that I should go after dad and not her. I told her I'll go after both until I can cut them out of my life for good. Then I told her she didn't deserve to have a happy life after what she did.
My aunt (dad's sister) came over after Hayley called her and she asked me to stop bringing it up. She told me Hayley and my dad don't need to be forgiven but that reminding Hayley like this and shaming her and making it difficult for her to have relationships where people won't know and judge isn't okay because the kids she and dad have together will suffer. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Do you and your sister have another relative that you can live with? If so I think it is time your dad lets you go. You experienced an enormous trauma and still have not healed. It really seems like you will not recover until you don’t live with your dad and step mom.
Sounds like dad’s refusing to let them go. Which is yucky, but he’s probably operating on the delusion that if he can convince op to accept his trashy ways then he isn’t as big of a cheating scumbag as he is and that he didn’t kill OP’s mom from the stress.
Cause like even if it’s a brain tumor, which the mom found out she had at the same time as his affair went public, those can still potentially be operated on and those that do have operations can survive and thrive perfectly normally. And while it’s still trashy to have an affair while someone’s dying of cancer, he doesn’t even have that excuse cause she found out alongside the diagnosis.
NTA. Trust me, I've been a family therapist for 15 years, and what you're feeling is completely valid. They created this toxic environment, not you. Your stepmom doesn't get to play happy families after destroying your original one. Sometimes people need harsh reminders of their actions.
Your story broke my heart, kid. You are so angry with their deception and pretending to be decent people. They thought they could just sweep this under the rug and earn respect. Nope. I agree with you that they are shameless and gross. Scumbags don’t deserve respect. NTA. They made this mess and then made two more kids. To Hell with both of them.
So basically you didn't get a regular childhood after 10 because of this crappy situation, and now the people who are somewhat responsible for making it worse are mad that you're not being more of an adult about it? NTA. Get out when you can.
NTA, but you're only hurting yourself by staying in this headspace. I spent years being bitter about my mom's friend doing the exact same thing. The best revenge? Focus on building your own life and happiness. Almost out at 17 - start planning your exit strategy.
No he is hurting her by staying in this headspace and she and the dad 100% deserve it. How is ignoring it and doing better revenge? The evil woman and dad would probably take credit and brag about his success. Nope. No way. They should never be made to feel comfortable about what they did. NEVER!