Teen 'ruins' cousin's wedding, 'causes a scene' when she finds out she's not invited. AITA?
"AITA for assuming I was invited to my cousin's wedding, and 'making a scene' when I found out I wasn't?"
My (18f) cousin's (22f) wedding was this weekend. I'll call her Mary. Growing up, we were pretty close, as me and my siblings (20f and 23m) often went to Mary's house. Lately, we haven't seen each other much, because all of them moved away for college, but it's still nice to see each other at family events.
A year and a half ago, she met her now husband. He was invited to Christmas, Easter, and every family event since then. When he was there, I noticed that Mary was a lot more distant than usually and barely talked to me but talked with my siblings all night. I figured it was probably just because of our age difference.
A few weeks/months ago, we got an invitation to their wedding in the mail. Or at least my parents did. My name wasn't mentioned on the invitation, which was addressed to "The ourlastnames," but since I still live with my parents, and my brother and sister both got one, I assumed I was included, and so did my parents.
But Mary's face dropped when she saw me. She pretended to smile but I could see something was bothering her. The wedding went on, but during the cocktail Mary came up to me and asked me why I came, since she didn't send me an invitation. I was taken aback a bit, but told her that we assumed I was included, and asked her why she didn't invite me.
She avoided the question, but after insisting a bit she told me that she wanted her husband's family to have a good impression of her family, and didn't want them to know that her cousin was a lesbian, because she wanted to have a "normal family."
For context, our family is pretty open minded, and all of them accept me, but her husband and his family are a lot more traditional and conservative. What I don't understand is, I don't "look gay" (whatever that means), and they would've never known unless someone told them.
I was so shocked. I told her that she was sick for caring about impressing a bunch of bigots more than her own cousin. She got mad at me and we both got a bit loud, which attracted attention. People came to find out what was happening. When they found out, my parents said that she was being mean and shouldn't have made a big deal about this.
A bunch of other people said that it was wrong of me to come when I wasn't invited. Mary started telling me to leave, so I stormed off. Since, I have been receiving texts from her and her parents saying that I was a b for coming, making a scene, and ruining her big day. I understand that it's her wedding and she can invite whoever she wants, but her words were so hurtful...
And I genuinely thought I was invited. But I know it's wrong that I caused such a scene on her wedding day. Maybe I should've just left and not said anything? AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Equivalent-Moose2886 said:
I'm going with NTA, if it was genuinely an innocent mistake about the invite. I mean, you live at home, your parents and siblings were invited, you've never been previously excluded, there was no reason to think that you weren't included even though not specifically mentioned, as you said your siblings don't live at home so they got separate invites.
Out of interest would your parents and siblings etc still have gone to the wedding if they knew that you had been excluded for being a lesbian? Even about the scene: you did not cause a scene, she was the one that made a scene. She could've just looked passed your attendance, since you weren't harming anyone. But instead she insulted you, and you defended yourself.
Parttime-Princess said:
NTA. A card to "the lastnames" would normally include everyone in that fanily living there. No reason to ask either. I would also have assumed I was invited. Your cousin is an AH. Bigots are automatically AH's. There's no "looking gay", that's crap. Hell I "look gay" but am straight, and plenty of lesbians aren't the "butch gay" type bigots envision.
I'm sorry to say your cousin is a bigot. She cares more about the bigoted IL's then her own cousin. You were hurt and logically so. You reacted in a way that could be expected from someone who has been hurt. Sending you hugs!
FauveSxMcW said:
NTA. She ruined things for herself by putting you on the spot and then escalating things and by being a huge bigot. She should have kept her pie hole shut and been a gracious hostess. You did nothing wrong - based on the invitation, you were right to assume you were welcome.
DutchTinCan said:
NTA. Wedding etiquette is that if the invite says "Johnson Family", all members of the household are invited. If there's exclusions, the invite should read "John and Jane Johnson." The fact that she didn't do that was mistake 1. Then, she could've just let go for the day. Instead, she decided to ask you why you came, despite you technically having been invited.
During that, she dragged in your sexuality, implying you were embarrassing her. Sure, you could've held your head high saying "well, I'm terribly sorry for insulting you. Enjoy the rest of your wedding while I see myself out". That would've been most gracious, but more gracious than she deserved after the run-up. So yes, this is on your homophobic cousin.
Overall_Sorbet248 said:
NTA it makes perfect sense to assume that the invite to your parents was meant for you as well. If she didn't want you to come she should have explicitly told you so beforehand.
divinasdawgs said:
NTA. You had no indication that you yourself were not invited, and she’s the one who made the big scene by confronting you for something you were completely unaware of.