Teenage boy tells stepmom; 'You're NOT an incentive for me to change my last name.' AITA?

"AITA for telling my stepmom she's not an incentive for me to change my last name?"

My parents were never married so I (16m) have my mom's last name. She died when I was 5. My dad was already married to my stepmom at the time. But I admit I didn't really warm up to her because I picked up on tension between her and mom.

After mom died it was worse because my stepmom would say things like "you're finally where you belong" and "I'm so happy you're my little boy now". It made me feel really icky and unhappy. My dad was never the hands on parent he liked to pretend to be so he'd just tell me to accept being loved.

Two months after mom died the oldest of my three half sisters was born. It was a lot of change for me and I was very sad back then. I felt pretty alone. My stepmom was always trying to grow closer to me.

She'd even sometimes hire babysitters for an entire day to spend her time trying to make me love her. It hurt her really bad when I'd shut her out. But I hated hearing her call me hers and she would tell me I was hers now and I needed a "mommy" because she did baby talk and titles with me until I was almost 12. I think she thought it would make me warm up faster.

She'd always call me by my middle name (James) because that was her dad's first name instead of using my first name. There were times she'd ask me if I wanted to change my name to James and "be grandpa's junior!" I always said no.

Then when I was around 8 or 9 they tried to change both my first and last name. When they didn't take me to court the first time the judge asked to see me.

He said kids would typically be present at court for something like that (I'm not sure if it's true or not but that's what I was told) and so I was brought the next time and asked how I felt about my new name. I said I didn't want to change my name. So my name remained the same. Mom's last name included.

It really bothers my stepmom that I don't share their last name. She has three girls and wants "her only son" to share the same name as her. She talked to me a few days ago and tried to convince me to make the change she and dad tried making a few years ago (first and last name).

She told me to do it for her because it would make her really happy and I could present it as a Christmas or a birthday gift. I told her she wasn't an incentive for me to change my name because I don't want to be her boy and I don't accept her as my mom. She started to cry and she called me spoiled and bratty in retaliation. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

suspicos6 writes:

NTA. Your stepmom seems absolutely deluded. And your father just seems to want to go along with whatever she wants so that she can be happy, with no regard to your thoughts or feelings.

They are giant AH for wanting to erase every part of your mother, and especially for trying to force a connection you don't want. I'm very curious, how did your father and stepmother meet? From what I'm getting, it seems like infidelity might have been involved.

You are not her son, you don't want a connection with her, and them trying to change your name behind your back is scummy. Perhaps telling her the truth will finally get her to give up on this fantasy she has of you being her child. It's also interesting how quickly she was to turn on you when you rebuffed her affection. NTA, she needs therapy and needs to learn boundaries.

greaaah writes:

NTA Your last name is a birth right! Its to past down your generation to your family she is treating it like your future kids would be toxic if they had share that name, she got some issues.

Taking away a boy last name is a major thing and she wants to do it for her own selfish reasons just remind her its JUST A NAME meaning she get over it because you dont have to change aspects of your life for her happiness. Infact if she cared so much about your happiness she would leave it alone

OP responds in the comments:

They knew each other growing up and dated in high school but broke up before senior year. She always wanted to get back together with dad but before they met up again he'd met mom and they had me.

They broke up when I was so young but even still, I think my stepmom was so jealous that dad had a kid before they could get back together. It wasn't hard to see she hated my mom back then. There were times she'd look so pissed when she'd see my mom. She's also jealous that mom had a boy while she had three girls.

fiaga7 writes:

To all potential step parents out there - read and digest this. Trying to erase the memory of a deceased parent out of a child’s life often results in a poor relationship between you and the child. Of course, there are exceptions to this but generally only when the child was an infant or the parent was never eligible for parent of the year award.

The child’s literal identify is tied to both parents and trying to replace them and erase their memories is not good for their emotional well being and won’t end well. Continually pushing for that type of validation will only push them further and further from you and elicit anything from distrust to outright hatred.

It will also lessen the bond between the child and the remaining parent because they are seen as not defending the child. It’s a lose lose situation of your own making.