Teenage boy calls mom's fiancé a 'creep;' 'Something is off with him.' AITA? UPDATED 2X
When this young man is fed up with his future stepfather, he asks the internet:
"AITA for calling my mom’s fiancé a creep??"
M17 We had been going through pretty rough months in my family. There was tension between my mom and dad. They weren't talking to each other and when they did, it was only to fight.
After months of constant fighting, they decided to get divorced. That was 2 years ago. And ngl when they divorced the one who suffered the most was my dad, he never put on a sad face when he was with us but I could hear him cry in his room when he thought we were asleep.
For the record, i am the youngest and I have a brother (19M) and a sister (20F). After this, the fighting didn't stop so now they fight for which of us loves them more. If i am honest my siblings and i are inclined with my dad. He has always taken good care of us, helps us through everything, and he LISTENS to us.
Not like my mom. She has never been there, there have always been more important things to attend to or pay attention to rather than us. I never mind it since my dad was always there. My mom is a pretty important lawyer in our city, meanwhile, my dad has a Ph.D. in physics and works as a college professor.
After their divorce, we stayed with my dad. We see my mom like 1 day per week and only if she has time. We kinda never see her because she always reschedules. So months ago my mom told us she was going to get married, to this dude who we had never seen.
His name is Richard but asked us to call him Rick. She said we all should get along. Since then it has been a nightmare, don't get me wrong he is cool i guess, but i do find him a bit odd.
He always tries to spend his time with me and buys me stuff like clothes, books, etc. He even asks me when i'm available so we can have dinner. I mean I'm polite towards him but I just can't connect with him.
I feel like it's a forced relationship. And he is not like that with my other siblings. Well, my dad too, he is civil towards him but there's def tension between them. Last week my brother wanted to try a new recipe (he loves cooking) so he invited my mom and Rick.
At first, we were surprised my mom and dad kept civil with each other, we were having a nice conversation. But Rick kept complimenting us, specifically me. That i was an incredible person, very smart, blah, blah.
My dad agreed but this dude kept insisting we were so much "alike" and that by spending so much time with him he considers me already his son. That def hurt my dad, and i just lose it. I told him to leave me alone, he was being a creep. My dad told me to not call Rick names and my mom did too.
She told me that i was being a brat and that should behave cuz Rick will be part of my family and another parental figure to me. I said he wouldn't and that i won't go to her wedding if she marries a creep like him. I stormed off and went to my room.
My siblings don't think i am in the wrong here but my mom insists i was a spoiled brat, and i should apologize to Rick. AITA?
Before we give you OP's update, let's take a look at some of the top responses:
scooblover writes:
I vote NTA. Rick sounds, pushy at best. Lavishing praise on you he's scoring points with mom. But why not ALL her kids? Is mom okay with you being 'special' and your siblings chopped liver? Has she always viewed you as 'special' to the determent of your brother & sister? Or is the favoritism new?
To say that crap in front of your dad was calculated and rude. Mom sounds like she supports the behavior if not encouraging it.
You don't have to like being singled out. You don't have to support mom marrying someone you don't like. If he creeps you out, trust your gut. You DO have every right to not want this done to you.
I would recommend in future not going full throttle at the start. IE saying "I'm uncomfortable" and if you continue to be disrespected, "creep" is then perfectly acceptable because your boundaries are being tested.
Discuss this with your dad, you says he listens. Be specific, give examples of what's being done that makes you uncomfortable. Dad can then more easily understand and support & protect you. This goes for your brother and sister too.
I say this all as a parent of 18-25 year olds. I'm sorry your mom doesn't support you and seems to never really have. I am incredibly glad your dad does. Same for your siblings. Those sound like good, healthy relationships. I wish you all the best.
mehlife writes:
I am gonna say NTA op. If he makes her happy, that's all well and good but you don't have to be anything but civil to him.
His comment touch a nerve and rub you the wrong way, as it felt like it was insulting your dad. Which is fine, you are allowed to feel that way. Snapping at him, probably wasn't the best thing to do but from what I read, this outburst was building over time.
I think from the sounds of it, he's just trying to build a relationship, before your actually truelly ready. As let's face it, you barely have one with your mum and now this? She is now trying to force a relationship with Rick on you. It doesn't work that way.
I would recommend sitting down with your mum, and state some facts to her: *That you don't feel close to her, and barely have a relationship *That you feel like it's a competition of who is better parent *That she never helps you through everything, or really listens to you *That she has never been there, there have always been more important things to attend to or pay attention to rather than you kids.
Talk to her and say you feel like you need to build a relationship with her, a mother/son one as it does not seem to exist, before building 1 with Rick. That while you understand her work is important but so is your relationship with her but that you can be civil with Rick but that's all you can offer right now.
This might require family therapy and/or 1on1 but it will take work from BOTH of you to make it work, not just you. Maybe talk to your dad about it also. He sounds like a great man.
If she goes off on you after this, you can go Low Contact for a while to see if things improve. Hoping for the best.
And now, OP's first update:
Nte2: So I didn't want to address this with my dad right away, so I consulted Anne first (my sis). She is the most intelligent person i know so i asked her. She had the same feeling as me, that Rick was getting way too close to me, and in comparison to her, he is stone cold.
Now every time Rick wants to spend time with me, they'll be there too (Anne and Leo my brother). And just like you guys, she asked me to talk to my dad.
I did, i sat with my dad and told him about everything, that i didn't feel comfortable around Rick anymore. I appreciated all the effort but he was pushing way too hard my boundaries. And (like you advised) if mom doesn't understand she can't force a relationship with an actual stranger on me then I'd rather stop seeing her.
My dad understood, he asked me to forgive him for not knowing my feelings toward Rich.
He did say that Rick is trying the best he can to get to know each one of us but he has no say on when we should open up or act like a stalker.
He said he'll talk to them but i told him i rather do it since mom may act like i am not being serious or worse. We'll have dinner with them (Anne, Leo and i) next Wednesday so wish me luck.
And now, Update 2:
Hi, so this has been a wild week and i wanted to thank your comments and suggestions. They helped me through this.
As i said in my last edit we went to dinner. At first, everything was silent but then Anne broke the ice by thanking my mom and Rick for spending time with us and that we should discuss important matters.
I didn't know about this but my mom has been awful to Anne and Leo this week. They addressed that if she wants us to be part of her life, then some changes should be made. After they established their points, it was my turn.
I started by stating Rick's presence has been bothering me since day 1. Even if i should have said something about it, didn't justify his behavior. I appreciate the effort but he has crossed my boundaries and even if i am willing to have a relationship as "friends" with him, I'd not offer that option anymore if he continues this way.
Also i'll soon be an adult so i don't need a parental figure, i already have one. Then pointed out that my mom was allowing this kind of behavior, and it is wrong. If she is not willing to act as a parent and understand my feelings. Not only mine but my siblings too then we'd rather cut our losses.
My mom tried to justify her actions. Rick told her to shut up and listen to us. She stormed out of the restaurant but he stayed. He looked sad, and apologize for all this. He didn't mean for this to happen.
He asked Anne and Leo if they could give us some space so he and i could talk. Leo grabbed me, but Anne gave him a look,so he let go of me and went to a close table.
Rick apologized again, saying he is not like that and the feeling he might not connect with me took out the best on him.
Then told me he is my bio-dad. My mom was supposed to tell me today but she cowardly left. He doesn't expect me to accept him in my life but if ever want to know him or need anything, he'll always be there.
When we came back home, i asked my dad. He hugged me and told me everything he knew about it. The thing is they don't know. The reason my parents divorced was because my mom cheated on him, and after she "broke up" with Rick, she was pregnant with me.
My dad suspected it but never confirmed it. When they divorced, my mom out of rage told him i wasn't his son. Then Rick contacted him to talk about it.
He told me however i feel it's ok, i shouldn't feel pressured to act in a certain way. If i want to get tested he'll help me, and no matter what that paper says his love for me won't change, i'll always be his son.
I'm not sure how to feel, but i asked Rick to give me space so i could think about all of this. Also asked my dad if we could just simply be out of our mom's life, i don't want to be involved with her, and neither my siblings.
If i am honest i don't know if i ever want to get tested or the least allow Rick to be part of my life, but i feel grateful for the family i have, and all the support and love my dad and siblings have been giving to me. That's all i have for you.