Teenage girl REFUSES to attend father's wedding; 'It just doesn't sit right with me.' AITA?

When this teenager makes a controversial decision about her father's wedding, she asks the internet:

"AITA for agreeing with my dad's fiancé that I stay home from their wedding?"

I (16f) lost my mom 5 years ago and my dad is getting married again in December to Jill. Jill and my dad have been dating for a little over three years and my dad and Jill's kids (6f, 5m, 3f) are close. Jill was pregnant when they met.

And my dad is not secretly the father or anything like that. I know people might think that because of the age of the youngest but she's not my dad's bio kid.

My dad is happy. I'm glad he's happy. But I'm not excited. They are. I make sure I smile through this whole "moving on" thing as my dad put it. I make sure I smiled for the engagement party and didn't cry or anything when others could see me. But a part of me wish this wasn't happening.

It's a mix of I wish my mom was here so he didn't need to and I wish moving forward didn't mean he had to find someone else. I understand that it's not a bad thing. I understand we can love multiple people. Ultimately I want him happy so he should do what feels right to him.

I wish he understood my side better because dad talks like this marriage is us finding a new wife and mom. I told him twice that I know he can have a new wife and technically, if I wanted, I could have a second mom. But Jill won't ever be my new mom. She'll be his wife.

This upset my dad. He was also upset that I was less enthusiastic when they moved in together. I wanted it over with since it was happening. He wanted me to enjoy it. He heard me crying after he proposed to Jill. I was in my room, I'd stayed and smiled and said I was happy for them but did privately cry because it made me miss mom.

They had an engagement party and got the professional photos back from that. Jill and my dad said they could tell my smile was forced. Dad wanted to know what they could do to make it real.

I told him I would just do better to make it less clear. He told me he can't look back on the actual wedding photos and see my fake smile and not be sad. He pointed out how happy Jill's kids looked and how genuine it was.

He ended up talking to his parents about it and they told him it was naive on his part to expect I wouldn't be reminded of mom and feel a little sad. Or not as happy. They told him you can marry several times in one lifetime. But for some kids you will only have one set of parents and your family will remain that even when it changes after death.

This became such a big talk and Jill's 6 and 5 year old started to pick up on it. Dad was talking to my therapist about it. In the end Jill suggested that I could stay home from the wedding.

My dad said no, they'd figure out a way to make it work. I told him Jill's idea isn't a bad one because he's not going to get me at the wedding like he wants me. Dad told me I could try harder to embrace the happy and jump all in like he has.

I told him I can't let go of missing mom. He told me I don't want to. I told him he's right. Jill also didn't like me agreeing with her. She's got a lot of feelings on my feelings, which is fair. But now both are kinda pissed at me. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

fkeek writes:

NTA - it sounds like your dad is struggling with guilt about being able to move on faster than you. But romantic love is not the same as the love you had/have for your mom. Realistically that brain chemistry works differently and it’s super selfish of him to expect you to fake happiness so he can pretend that everything is ok.

The reality is everything is not ok - you miss your mom; that won’t ever change. That’s totally valid. You should not have to put on a brave face for a grown man. He should be a strong enough father to put his personal feelings aside and do what’s best for you.

It seems like your stepmom tried that - and maybe she was hoping that by taking your side you’d be a little closer to her and you agreeing with her just hurt her feelings. Again a valid feeling - but these two grown people have no business making you bear the brunt of their complicated feelings. Yours are complicated enough already.

You are absolutely not the AH for not wanting to go. I will say - this is a special day for your dad, and it might not happen again, if you decide not to go (which is totally ok) just make sure it’s for the right reasons and that it’s not something you’ll mostly regret.

eeekkkk writes:

Aw heck, kiddo, NTA, in no way, shape, or form. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry that the adults in your life aren't willing to see things from your perspective. You seem like you're just trying to do your best and they aren't seeing that.

And Jill shouldn't have made the suggestion of you staying home if she wasn't prepared for you to agree to it.

You lost your mom at a really vulnerable time for a kid, and I'm sure that it probably felt like your dad moved on so fast. But the adults in your life should not be asking you to make them more comfortable. It is not your job as a child to smooth things over and make sure the adults are only feeling happy.

Making other people happy at the expense of your own feelings is a recipe for a breakdown/disaster. And asking you to "embrace the happy and jump all in like he has" is dismissive of the feelings you have.

You've already been pretending things don't bother you, faking the happy smiles, and the center cannot hold. Emotions and feelings, no matter how much people will say "fake it till you make it" cannot actually be forced into existence. Down that path lies resentment.

Continue going to therapy and working at things at YOUR own pace. Continue feeling your feelings in a healthy way. Continue being honest with yourself, your therapist, and yes, your dad and Jill. They want to pretend, but you are living in reality, and they are just going to have to accept that.

pepont writes:

NAH (just your dad might be a little bit). Compared to so many other posts of teenagers who find themselves in similar situations, you all seem to be doing fairly well and behave humanely with each other - despite the differences.

It is very understandable that your dad wants to find happiness again and I wouldn't be surprised if he hopes that somehow Jill can make you less sad, too.

In my opinion, he is right in thinking that this can happen (you know growing up in a household with two caring adults can be beneficial for you), however, he must understand that he cannot force this on you. It is absolutely normal that his new marriage reminds you of your mother and opens up wounds for you.

From your post, I can tell that you are very conflicted. On the one hand, you want to do and feel the right way ("I'm glad he's happy"; " I make sure I smile through this whole "moving on" thing as my dad put it"; "Ultimately I want him happy so he should do what feels right to him."), but on the other, you are hurt.

Hurt that your mother has passed away, hurt that your father is able to move on so quickly and hurt that he doesn't understand you. ("But a part of me wish this wasn't happening. It's a mix of I wish my mom was here so he didn't need to and I wish moving forward didn't mean he had to find someone else.", "I wish he understood my side better").

It seems like you are very honest to yourself (kudos for getting therapy!), your dad is genuinely a nice guy who cares about you (despite not quite treating you as the young adult you are starting to become),

your grandparents are supportive & realistic and also Jill is not the terrible stepmother that you hear about in other posts (although I don't understand what you mean by "She's got a lot of feelings on my feelings").

I think most important is for you all (esp. you + dad) to have an open conversation where you clearly state how you feel about certain things (how does it make you feel when you think your dad doesn't want to understand you?). Maybe this is something to talk to your therapist about. Wishing you all the best!