Teenage girl stays in room all day and refuses to emerge for Thanksgiving dinner. AITA?

"AITA for staying in my room all day and not eating thanksgiving dinner with my family?"

About a day ago me (17F) and my mother (45F) were about to put up the Christmas tree when we got into a small argument. She had hurt her back a few days ago and told me that me and my brother would have to do the heavy lifting for the tree this year. I agreed because putting up the tree means I get to spend time with the two of them watching a movie, baking cookies and decorating the tree.

Yet when I get downstairs she’s immediately annoyed with me for coming downstairs “too late”.

I assumed that she was just in a bad mood because of her back pain but when I asked about my brother coming to help us so I don’t have to lift the couch by myself, she started to get an attitude, telling me we might as well not put the tree up if im going to be so difficult and annoying.

My brother comes downstairs and is immediately confused by her yelling. I decided to just go to my room for the night.

When my dad comes home, my mother starts yelling to him about how both my brother and I are “leeches”, how I “bring out the worst in people”, how I’m “hard to love” and how I can “shove the tree up my ass” (lol?) the absolute icing on the cake was when she said “I can’t wait until she leaves for college. I can’t wait to see her struggle”.

The next day was thanksgiving and I refused to come downstairs to cook or watch movies or eat thanksgiving dinner with them if she would be there. I stayed in my room the whole day, quiet and trying to be as out of the way as possible.

My mother has a history of making extremely mean comments but they’re always brushed off as “well you know she has issues from her childhood. Cut her some slack!” But I feel like her behavior shouldn’t be justified or tolerated.

The last comment about college hurt me deeply because I’m in the process of waiting for acceptance letters from colleges and as of right now I want nothing to do with her. AITA for not coming downstairs for thanksgiving dinner? My brother came upstairs to tell me the food was ready but I told him I didn’t want to sit at the table if she would be there. her comment struck me as too far for the situation, am I wrong?

Edit: thank you for the very nice words and advice! It makes me feel good to know I’m not crazy to feel hurt. This story is basically just a screenshot of my life, I just want to be loved like everyone else. Thank you for listening, it’s nice to be heard :)

Let's see what readers thought:

awarewelcome writes:

NTA. Honey, I could never ever ever imagine saying such things to my daughter. But my mother could say such things to me, and as a single person in my 20’s, I was always trying to find alternative holiday gatherings.

Your family brushes these comments off, but I don’t want you to do that. Don’t ever think such things are normal bc then I worry you won’t expect better for yourself and wind up in similar situations.

Saying you are hard to love is one of the most hurtful things a parent can say. I know bc my mom said that to me. I’m 62 and still have no self worth. Take care, honey.

pamcake writes:

As a fellow member of the ‘hard to love’ club, and unwilling part of the ‘I love you but I don’t like you’ team I agree 100%. Thankfully the only people in my life now are the people who love and like me, but self worth is still a struggle. I’m sorry it happened to you.

Loving your child should be the easiest thing in the world, and I can’t understand why these parents don’t like someone they birthed and raised. Speaks to their own self loathing i guess.

NTA OP. Your mom having a difficult childhood is even more of a reason why she shouldn’t be making your childhood difficult. Good luck with your college applications, and enjoy proving her wrong when you get there.

flowtfe writes:

NTA. I would never ever speak to my child that way. Completely uncalled for, not deserved and beyond mean and rude.

I have to say, I read the first few words of your post and were terrified my child wrote it! Christmas is my holiday and I hurt my back* and cannot put up the tree by myself this year and had to ask my 18 year old to do it, who normally wants nothing to do with the tree.

I think I started asking 4 days in advance. Politely. We negotiated when it will be done so that they aren't overwhelmed and hating it.

I have no idea what your mother's problem is but I would have wanted to hide in my room too if I was treated that way and heard those things said about me.

You are a senior in high school right? Study this year, make a plan, get to college and GET OUT OF THERE. Make a fantastic life for yourself and never look back.

*I hurt mine 4 weeks ago. I've had tons of time to turn into a mega cranky witch but haven't. Instead had help yesterday picking up things, putting the roast in the oven, etc. Had a nice time. Yes pain sucks but that doesn't give you an excuse to be mean and hurtful to those helping you.

crowndh writes:

NTA. Cruelty has no excuse. I don’t care if someone hurt their back, or has a headache or had a bad day - cruelty is not ok under any circumstances.

I’ve had plenty of bad days. I’ve hurt my back (made Thanksgiving dinner with a terrible back ache yesterday), but I’ve never been cruel.

Cranky? Grumpy? Short tempered? Absolutely. Never cruel. What your mother says was cruel, and that’s a whole different thing than just being in a bad mood. From the sounds of it, she’s been enabled in her cruelty by the other family members.

If she has so much unresolved trauma that she’s emotionally abusive, then she needs therapy, not to be “given a break” … ie a pass on abusive behavior.

I wouldn’t have participated either. Go to college. Get away from the abuse. Live your best life.

sbuargd writes:

NTA. Your mother sounds like mine from when I was growing up. I would NEVER say those hurtful things to my children (I have a daughter your age). She is also in the same place as you, stressing over college, etc.

NOT OK for your mother to say those things to you. And I hope you are going away to college. It wasn't until I was 23 and living far away from my mother that I realized how cruel she was. Therapy helped as well. ((((HUGS)))) to you, and best of luck with your collegiate journey.

Again, your mother is waaaay in the wrong and there is zero excuse for her behavior towards you. For context, last Thanksgiving, I was cooking for my son (he's in college and 20), my daughter (your age), and my husband. I had only been out of the hospital for 4 days after a burst appendix.

I was in pain but happy to be with my family, and not once did I say those awful things to my daughter or son. She is taking out whatever is going on with her on you, and SHAME on her for doing that. Keep your head high.

flaoud writes:

NTA. My mom has also led a "hard childhood" and told me I was evil/brought out the worst in everyone, told me she was considering leaving my dad and brother because of ME, said she hopes I one day have a daughter just like me (NOT a compliment - she definitely meant it as an insult).

And I was such a polite kid, valedictorian of my class, got a full ride to college, had a big heart, volunteered all the time. I feel like I went out of my way to cancel out the "evil" I supposedly contained. It didn't matter how much my teachers, youth pastor, classmates, and friends' parents loved me. My own mother said I was a horrible person, and I figured she'd know the "real" me.

I left home for college and barely talk to her these days. You are going to THRIVE in college. Surround yourself with people who love you and want you to live a happy life.

I'm 31 now and love my life, but it's taken a lot of therapy and time to get here. Be kind to yourself, and keep on taking yourself out of situations where you are being berated and belittled for literally trying to HELP. She cannot be pleased and she will not give you the validation you want AND DESERVE. Turn elsewhere, and take care of yourself until you get out of the house. Rooting for you!