Teenage girl tells stepmom; 'I DON'T respect your grief. Not after what you did to me.' AITA?

When this teen girl is upset with her stepmom, she asks the internet:

"AITA for telling my stepmom she's right when she accused me of not respecting her grief?"

My dad got remarried after my mom died. I (15f) was 8. She was very excited to meet me. I was way less excited. Like not excited at all. My mom was dead less than two years and I knew she and my dad were talking about getting married. I hated it.

I didn't get why dad was doing all that so quickly and why they had to get married at all. I said it in front of her when dad told me I shouldn't "look so down" and she told me I should wipe all that sadness from my memory

because she was here now and she'd bring the happiness back and "make me forget all about what made me sad". Dad was like omg and he told her how bad that sounded. I refused to let her touch me when she tried to apologize and I told her to leave me alone.

She talked to me alone a few days after that and told me I could at least try. That dad wasn't sad anymore because of her so I could be too. I told her she couldn't make me forget my mom died.

She told me I never gave her the chance to. I told her I didn't like her and I thought she was a bad person. She was horrified by an 8 year old saying that to her face like I did. But I meant it. I still mean it.

She tried so hard to get close to me but I didn't want to get close to her. I was quiet around her. I didn't open up to her or share anything with her.

My dad sent us on this pre-wedding girls day because he wanted me to be closer to her during the wedding (which only happened a few months after I met her). I ignored her the whole day.

She got pregnant right after the wedding and she told me I should be celebrating "all this happy news and this new life" and instead I looked like I wanted to cry. I told her she'd never get what it's like. We had a really rough time during her first pregnancy.

She wanted to include me. I wanted nothing to do with her pregnancy. I wanted nothing to do with her. It frustrated us both for different reasons. She told me to leave the past behind and look forward to being someone's sister.

Then she told me most kids would be happy to have a mom again. I brought up the bad person thing again. She didn't try this stuff with her other two pregnancies. But she did always try to make me like her and she tried to "make me forget". I don't think kindly of her for that.

I have no respect for her. I don't even call her my stepmom. That's respectful and I don't want to be respectful to her.

Her mom died not too long ago. She had a really hard time. I didn't care and I didn't try to comfort her or offer any sympathy or kind words. I have none for her. She confronted me on it and I told her she'd forget about it eventually.

She accused me of disrespect and then said I'm not being respectful of her grief. I told her she's right. She was never respectful of my grief so I won't be respectful of her grief either.

I told her she can wait for her dad to find the woman who'll make her forget. She called me heartless. She said I should care enough about her to not say that. I told her I never cared about her. AITA?

Let's see what readers thought:

greenaln writes:

YTA.. You sound just like my step sister did…. You sound like a bratty child that turned in to a bratty teen. It’s been 2 years and your dad can’t move on? He probably hasn’t just because he got remarried doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about your mom she died she didn’t divorce him.

You never gave your stepmom a chance some stepmoms can be shitty but it seems like she’s truly trying and considering you’re only 15 I’m guessing we are getting a skewed version of the story.

Stop holding a grudge be happy holding a grudge isn’t going to make things better you’re wasting your time and energy doing this. If you keep acting like this you’re going to lose your dad also.

asga76 writes:

ESH. I think you could benefit from having a relationship with your dad's wife. It's not uncommon for married couples to discuss remarriage in the event that one passes away, and it doesn't seem like you've even bothered to find out if your parents had that conversation. It's fair that you have difficulty accepting this, but it doesn't exonerate you from being a brat for a lifetime.

agah1234 writes:

NTA- Your response to her was justified. She never respected or acknowledged your grief because you were a child. She should never have been in your life and your father picking his happiness over you sucks.

I hope he is smart enough to stay out of this fight. i am a stepmom and she did everything when she met you. I never tried to push my step kids to love me. I want to have a good relationship with them but forcing love will never make it happen. She treated you terribly.

She is now finding out the reality of all the horrible things she said to you. I hope it hurts her because she should be able to handle it as an adult unlike you as a 8 yo.

aghwe writes:

NTA!!! Like, the fact that your dad moved on so fast is sus btw. And the fact that he gave zero shits about how you felt about this whole thing. A parent who brings another person into their child’s life without ever talking to them about it and asking them if this is something they’re ok with is not a good parent.

My mom straight up sat my sister and I down and asked us if we were comfortable with her getting remarried after only 2 years, and my biodad wasn’t even dead, they were just divorced! She even said, “if it’s not something you’re comfortable with, we can give it more time.

”Thankfully, I liked the guy and he ended up adopting my sister and I. But he never presumed to be my “new dad” and never pressured me to call him dad. My older sister and I came to call him that naturally. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this, OP.

aag12099 writes:

Wow, I relate to this very much. I lost my mom when I was 26 to an opiod overdose. She struggled with her weight, bipolar and depression, and physical health issues beyond her control. She was an alcoholic and addicted to painkillers.

After years and years of begging my dad to make her go to rehab, she died. My dad remarried a woman he met at church when I was 28. She was "perfect." She was thinner and more outgoing than my mom. She didn't do drugs or drink. I was so pissed. Not only did my mom die, but my dad got to move on and start his life all over again with someone perfect.

They married 2 months after meeting. I refused to meet her and did not attend their wedding. I finally agreed to meet her about 6 months later. The first thing she said to me was, "I will never replace your mom, and I will never try to. "... that was all I needed to hear to soften my heart toward her.

Those words are so very important! The trauma of losing my mom overshadowed every part of my life, and I was put at ease to have that trauma validated and recognized.

All that being said, the woman who married your dad might not understand how important it is to validate your grief, and she might need some guidance from you.

Not everyone is good at understanding how heavy grief is until they experience it first hand. You do not have to love this woman, and you do not have to respect her. But for your own sake, it might benefit you to soften your heart just a little bit. A lot of these comments are applauding you, and it's true that you are strong and resilient.

However, don't treat her like s during her grief. That makes you no better than her. This might be a chance to build a bridge to understanding each other. You don't have to be best friends and act like she's your new mommy. Just try to let go of some of your anger. In the end, it will make your life easier. Best of luck to you.