Teenage son 'humiliates' parents in family therapy; 'They didn't expect me to tell the truth. But I did.' AITA?

When this teenager is accused of humiliating his parents in therapy, he asks the internet:

"AITA for embarrassing my parents in family therapy?"

I'm (15m) in family therapy with my parents and my sisters Alisha (13f) and Kayleigh (12f). Therapy is pretty new and not going so well. We're not a close family, we have a lot of issues and I know we have extra stresses because Alisha has a lot of complex medical issues and she can't do everything Kayleigh and I can.

She needs a wheelchair sometimes, she's on lots of meds, but she can be fine sometimes too and can enjoy life. But she has limitations we don't. And my parents make me feel like they want me to be another adult and not one of their kids.

They don't like me spending time with friends. They say I could be home, helping, taking care of my sisters or doing stuff at home for them. When I do go they can make me take one or both sisters. Get angry if Alisha can't join.

If I'm forced to take one of my sisters, or both, I can't have fun. I get stuck making sure they're okay. Even birthday parties (like at places and not kid parties anymore) I can be forced to bring them when they're not invited and I get to watch them have fun. If I have fun at something and my sisters don't, then I get in trouble.

Happened during our last field trips. I had a great time, Alisha had to leave early because she was sick, Kayleigh had such a bad time. I told grandpa I had a great time and my parents berated me for it.

While Kayleigh got to talk about how fun my best friends birthday at the trampoline park was. And she didn't get into trouble for Alisha being jealous and missing out like I would. I got berated for not having fun though. For acting spoiled that I didn't have a good time.

They get mad I don't buy my sisters birthday and Christmas gifts. They get mad that I get gifts from my best friends parents. They get mad that I get invited to my best friends family events as a friend for him to hang out with and it's made clear my sisters aren't invited even if it's something they "could be included in".

My parents get annoyed when I confide in grandpa. But they also get annoyed if I tell them how they make me feel. Alisha hates being left out which I get. But I'm the only one my parents get angry with for it.

Now we're in family therapy. My parents are using it to talk about how awful I am. They say I'm making life harder for everyone. They didn't expect me to say how things really are. But I did.

After my parents said I act like a 5 year old who doesn't like being the center of attention I brought up in therapy how they treat me and how I feel like they take their frustration about Alisha requiring so much care out on me, how I'm held to a higher standard and they want me to be an adult and not a kid.

I said they can't stand me having fun without my sisters or seeing me being the only one having fun, but almost like it when I'm the one not having fun.

My parents got so pissed at me after the session and accused me of embarrassing them. I told them they just didn't want me to speak so openly in front of my sisters which is why they include them. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

savinawhite7 writes:

NTA. If your parents don’t want to be embarrassed in therapy, perhaps they should be better parents.

Therapy is pointless without honesty, they’re just mad because you held a mirror up to them and they didn’t like what they saw. That is not your fault.

I hope that they listen to the therapist and become better parents, but that’s not in your control.

All you can control is how you choose to be, how you act on your feelings, and your own choices.

Make plans for when you will turn 18. Maybe talk to your grandpa about setting up your exit strategy - where you’re going to go, school, work, living arrangements, and then on your 18th birthday, get out of there.

Having a plan will make the next few years pass more tolerably. Make your goals, stick to them, never look back.

algau67 writes:

NTA- Family therapy is real hard and I’m really glad you had the strength to speak your truth.

Personal experience: My dad, older sister, and I went for a few years and it ultimately helped a lot but like you my family was pushing me into therapy because they weren’t happy with who I was and thought I was the “problem” that needed to change.

I have severe to moderate depression and pretty much always have and I truly believed that I would die before the age of 27. I did not want to harm myself but I had this belief I wouldn’t be around and it made my family extremely uncomfortable with how comfortable I was with dying young.

I also would regularly tell them how I wish I wasn’t born, not that I was dead just never born. They admitted later on the reason they wanted to do family therapy was so they could be there when a therapist tells me I’m crazy and need to get over these ideas.

Of course as someone who had been in solo therapy for years I knew that now how therapists work. The therapist really helped them understand that depression isn’t something that’s cured and my thoughts & feelings are valid even if they don’t like them.

I really hope you guys keep going to therapy because it’s important for you to have a safe space to tell your perspective and be truly heard by someone that has no skin in the game.

The next time you go I think you should ask if you can start and talk about how you want to know what it is you’re all trying to get out of family therapy? Are parents hoping for more open communication? Are they hoping your personality will change when you hear how they’re struggling?

Are they hoping Alisha will understand how hard everyone is working to include her? The why for each person is very important and I think should be addressed immediately.

After the why is understood you should tell the therapist how your parents reaction to your viewpoint blindsided you because you thought this was a safe open space for all of the family. Then give this opportunity to your parents to explain why they reacted the way they did.

Ultimately it sound like they’re trying to parentify you but you’ll only be home for another 3 years and they should know that they might lose you for good after that if they don’t try to correct their ways.

creama6 writes:

Hey friend! You're not the asshole. Many parents think that going to family therapy is about making their kids do what they want- that is not the case.

You're right to call them out in therapy. The issue may be that if the therapist advocates for you, your parents will stop going or change therapists. If you're removed from therapy, try to get counseling at school, church, or potentially from local youth organizations like YMCA, Big Brothers/Big Sisters, etc.

Give them a chance to see if they will listen to you with the therapist, even if it takes a few sessions. Most family therapy will have breakout sessions where you each meet 1 on 1 with the therapist. If there's still no getting through to them- start to plan your independence when you turn 18.

I'm sure many people have shared their experience with being the family caregiver in this thread. I'll add that I (32 F) was charged with caring for my high-needs autistic little sister (22) from the time she was a baby til I moved out the day I turned 18.

To this day, I can not hear a child crying or screaming without having a panic attack. It was extremely traumatic and I often ask myself what my life would look like if I hadn't been put in that situation. I have PTSD. You have every right to advocate for yourself.

I love my sister and we are very close. Understand that it is not your responsibility to provide all your sisters care AND it does not mean that you don't love her.

Your parents may be dealing with their own depression, and maybe unable to see how much they're relying on you and how that's negatively impacting you. They may also feel cheated by life for being in this situation. It helps you understand them, but none of this justifies their behavior at all.

Hang in there. Try to get a job. Try to get into after school activities. Talk to your friends parents about your situation and ask if you could count on them for help if you need it (I didn't even have to tell my closest friends parents, they could see that I was dealing with too much and they were like a 2nd family to me).

See which friends may be interested in renting together when you turn 18. Do your best to prepare to be independent once the time comes.

kdasa6 writes:

Not the asshole. I am sorry you're going through this. It must feel tough being told your feelings embarrass your family, or feeling like you are being given all the blake and responsibility for everything.

It is very common problem for parents to put the onus of taking care of kids on older siblings.

It creates a problem of boundary maintenance where parents end up putting their needs above their children, so it doesn't matter if the child is struggling with school or isn't able to spend time with friends in the parents' eyes because all they care about is making sure the other two children are okay.

It can make it more difficult to establish one's own identity, or say "no" in the future.

If they are embarrassed by you sharing your perspective in therapy, that means it's working. The therapist's job is to see these dynamics.

Your parents see you as immature. You see yourself as trying to be a normal child being held to a higher standard. They see themselves as trying to take care of their two other daughters and you not wanting to help.

You see them as demanding you sacrifice your needs for social development to be a parent to children you didn't ask for. Parenting is hard, and doesn't come with an instruction manual.