Teenager accused of 'taking over' blended family therapy session; 'I am SICK of my stepsibling's dietary needs.' AITA?

When this teen boy is sick of his new family, he asks the internet:

"AITA for taking over a family therapy session with my rant?"

I'm (16m) currently in family therapy with my dad, his wife, my sister (14) and stepsiblings (10, 9 and 7). This blended family thing is pretty new still with my dad being remarried for 2 years. My mom died so I only have one home. And I'll be honest I was never excited or really into the whole blended family thing. But I know that's not my decision.

All three of my stepsiblings have food allergies, two have bad ones. So the way we eat changed a lot. This included places we eat at that were a part of traditions.

For most of my life we'd eat at this local noodle bar in town for the end of the school year and whenever we had a school thing (play, graduation, report card, etc) and we're not allowed to go there anymore because of the allergies.

Even just with dad it's a no go. We can't bring ice cream into the house anymore because my stepsiblings can't eat it. Only my dad and his wife can prepare food so no more making a sandwich for myself either.

Birthdays have changed. My sister and I can no longer eat at our preferred restaurant of choice because of my stepsiblings and we can't bring my favorite dish into the house either.

So now it's a place that my stepsiblings love and "is acceptable" for their allergies. For two years dad has talked about how glad we are to make all these changes and how family is worth it.

About four months ago his wife noticed my sister and I weren't engaged with "the family" in the way she thought we'd be. We didn't want to talk to her. She also noticed my sister had cut me and her out of some photos of all of us and used just me and her for her room's art wall. So she and dad decided we needed some family therapy.

Since we started about two months ago officially there has been a lot of what's the problem, why are we there, explain the problem. And my dad has also talked about all the good from a blended family and changes were mentioned and he talks about how happy we all are to make them.

Well, last week I got so sick of it and the therapist asked me if I was truly okay with them. And I went off. I said no I'm not. That I hate the changes. That it's unfair. That I never said I wanted my stepsiblings to celebrate my birthday more than I wanted my favorite foods.

That these things were decided for me. I said I never would have made that decision because celebrating with them isn't important to me. I'd rather have a good time with the people I love and enjoy food that I love instead.

And that I hate not being able to make a sandwich or buy snacks after school. I basically went off for the whole session between a rant and answering questions the therapist put to me.

My dad is so mad at me for doing it and his wife was really upset because her kids heard it. But she was also upset because she accepted on some level I didn't want this ever. She's also kinda mad that I took up a whole session with my rant. AITA?

Let's see what readers had to say:

remarkalet writes:

Ugh. Entitled parents. Kiddo, you're here, asking if you were wrong to use the therapy you were shoved into. No, sweetheart, you're not wrong for that, nor for any of your feelings around your step family.

It was not your choice for them to join your family, and had your father not pushed this, you likely would not have been as against this. It's not your fault you weren't considered in this life changing choice.

I do not believe you can tell your dad not to date, marry, or whatever. But your dad, likewise, cannot demand that you be okay with choices made without you. NTA. And your dad needs to back off unless he wants to lose you and your sister.

aghajywet writes:

NTA. Something to raise at the next therapy sessions is the attitude towards you and the therapy.

If therapy isn't a safe space for you to voice your opinions or concerns without retaliation, what's the point in it at all?

So you went, you voiced your issues, that's what you're supposed to do. But if they are now upset with you and giving you a hard time over it, it's counterproductive, therapy doesn't become a solution but it feels like a trap they use to punish you instead.

They need to be able to accept that not everyone accepts a blended family and that you can be safe when making some basic foods or what you eat outside the home when not with those with allergies.

It's a compromise. Not everyone has to get 100% of everything they want 100% of the time, but everyone has to get something they want some of the time. And right now you get none of what you want, at no times.

It's fine your blended siblings don't eat or exposed to allergens. It's unfair on you that you have to live by their standards. "I can't eat that coz of allergies" 100% fine. "You can't eat that coz I have allergies" not fine, that's patrolling you outside of their own concerns. Find a balance between what you can have, where you can have it and when.

No reason your dad can't take you to the noodle place solo, without the rest of the family as a treat. Doesn't need to be a big deal, just "hey, we're going out for a few hours, see you when we're back" if it's about the siblings fear of missing out.

If they can prep food in the kitchen, why can't they show you the processes they go through to ensure food safety for the others, so that you can practice it yourself too, enabling you to make food when you like and keeping it safe for others(a balance). It will give you autonomy and that minor freedom or level of responsibility back which would be very fair.

For snacks and things, you should be allowed to have them in your personal belongings, just establish boundaries of privacy and not taking things from others without asking(the younger kids).

They need to be educated on their own allergens for life anyway! And you should be trusted to keep things clean and tidy even in your own space(like your room, or bags/backpacks or whatever). Food you can access outside the home on your own, shouldn't be restricted, noone is with you there cas be no contact etc..

nimarro writes:

This is a level of enmeshment where your parent thinks you’re a mini-me who will just do exactly what they would do like a robot. It’s not ok. You’re being treated very unfairly and only your step-siblings are being considered.

It’s not exactly a recipe for creating one big happy family. Therapy is for being honest. Your dad didn’t like hearing that you have your own thoughts and feelings and he needs to grow up.

FWIW, I’m a 52 year old step-mom and I’m totally on your side here. Step families are hard, but your dad and step-mom are not doing it right and won’t accept responsibility. It will also drive a wedge between you and your dad if he doesn’t smarten up.

pumnpmpatch writes:

NTA - Well, the therapist did what your dad never did, asked you whether you were ok with these changes. Your dad just pushed his Brady Bunch family blended family crap and never asked you once how you felt about, he instead decided how you and your sister were to feel. That's not how it works.

He must understand now that he has blown it and that is why he is mad that you refuse his fantasy. What is needed next is for the therapist to explore your father and his new wife's unreasonable burden they are putting on your and your sister.

First you have to identify the problem before you can fix it, you have identified the problem. You did nothing wrong here, they did. That is painfully obvious. Now it is up to your dad to fix it.

crimehun writes:

OP, so you were 10 and sister was 8? First, my deepest condolences to both of you. Losing your mom is incredibly hard, no matter your age. And it is especially traumatic when you're young, a girl and pre-puberty. You and your sister have had to be very brave and strong during a very tumultuous few years with a lot of drastic changes in a short period of time.

Second, I would hug you if I could. You and your sister need some good hugs. Third, what you did in therapy was necessary. You needed to get that out. Losing your mom, grieving, hormonal changes, dad dating, then marrying and bringing in a whole new family and just assuming that you're happy to accommodate and accept them.

You didn't ask for all those changes. And I suspect your dad didn't realize that what he needed wasn't what you or your sister needed. He just assumed. It doesn't make him a jerk, entirely. But he is jerk adjacent.

Men and dads don't always understand. You basically had your world upended, then upended again, and again...over 6 years, while you were in grief, going through hormonal changes and I'm sure depression.

Then your step family's health, also denies you and your sister some of the rituals and reminders that most likely help you feel connected to your Mom and would aid in your grief process, because their health "takes precedent".

You matter. Please, know that. You and your sister matter. And your mom mattered. I don't think your dad is intentionally trying to replace or erase your Mom, but I have no doubt it feels like it.

You are NTA, in any way. You most likely just miss the way your life was and you need to be seen and hugged. You need to be reminded that things will be okay, and that your mom is proud of you, especially for finally standing up for you and your sister.

Definitely, request some therapy for you and your sister. Maybe even with Dad, but minus the step family. You deserve to be heard and understood and not judged for very normal feelings.

curlycue writes:

Ooohhh kiddo. You’re NTA at all. You didn’t “take over” the therapy session. The therapist had heard enough bs from your father & decided to hear from you & your sibling.

I’ve been in enough family therapy sessions to know Exactly what the therapist was doing - which was forcing your father & step-mother to hear what their unilateral decisions have done to you & your sister.

If anything, your father’s pissed that you put him on blast & didn’t keep up with his charade or don’t go along with the “everything’s Great!” bs.

He had to hear that he screwed up in a big way & there’s no way to fix it unless he’s willing to admit he screwed up & acknowledge that not everything can be about the comfort of his step-children. Basically your father is being forced to acknowledge he is actively erasing his children from his life in his “effort” to create a “blended” family.

Your step-mother…. She knows that what was happening was wrong. She knows that what Y’all wanted was being erased & she also knows that y’all were being treated like little children - not almost adults. So if anything, she’s likely pissed at the fact that she let all this happen.

Now to Both of them. They had to come to the harsh reality that they did Not create a truly blended family - if they had then All family members would be represented. Instead what happened is step-mother & her children moved in to the house with your father & y’all. Then there was no blending. It was erasing of y’all & supplanting with the step-children by your father.

gahauw3t writes:

YTA. You making a stand for your grandmother is not fully appropriate to me. I don't understand why you wouldn't talk to your brother about this first, but either way it's not your decision who he invites.

I also think you should recognize that while you are close with them, he isn't. Does that make him a villain to you? Do you feel he should invite people that he isn't close with?

You admit you previously distanced yourselves 'due to lack of time' and while you made a change since then, he didn't, and it reads as super judgy and controlling of you to be protesting his event over this.

Frankly it's none of your business who he decides to invite, and while it would be reasonable for you to let him know your grandmother would love to come and is sad at the distance, I think it was inappropriate and mean to your brother for you to pull this without even giving him the benefit of a discussion.