'AITA if I tell a date why I don't want to see him again when it’s related to his appearance?'

"AITA for considering telling my date why I won’t see him again when it’s about his appearance?"

I (34F) recently went on my first date since getting back out there after my 14-year marriage ended. I went through a divorce a year ago but waited until recently to feel ready to start dating again. I matched with “Joe” (42M) on a dating app. I’m very new to this world so please be gentle.

The last time I was dating, apps weren’t really a thing and I’ve only had a few serious long-term relationships, so this is all pretty overwhelming. Due to distance (1.5 hours apart), it took a while to coordinate our first date, but we kept talking frequently and everything flowed so easily - great conversations, similar goals, he has a successful professional career, and his personality seemed to match mine.

He chose a nice restaurant halfway between us, made reservations, sent me all the details to make sure I was comfortable with his choice - very thoughtful about planning. During that week, we even joked about making sure we weren’t catfishing each other and exchanged recent selfies.

I was genuinely excited to meet him, though admittedly nervous since we’d been vibing so well that there felt like extra pressure on top of not having been on a first date in over 15 years. Here’s where I might be TA: When I got to the restaurant, he looked exactly like his photos, which was a relief. But the moment he smiled and greeted me, I was genuinely shocked by his teeth.

They were extremely yellow and even grayish in some areas, severely overcrowded, crooked, and kind of pushed back. It was honestly jarring and I got pretty flustered. I tried to just stay positive and focus on our conversation and was genuinely enjoying his company, but I couldn’t shake my reaction.

After we ordered drinks and had been chatting for a while, I naturally excused myself to the restroom and quickly pulled up his dating profile photos and selfies from our text chat. Every single one showed him with a closed-mouth smile or from angles/distances where you couldn’t see his teeth at all. This wasn’t something I could have caught earlier. I decided to make the best of it since we’d both traveled.

We actually had a wonderful time - great conversation, he was really polite, insisted on paying despite my offers to split, we took a nice walk around downtown and ended with a sweet hug and kiss on the cheek. Everything else about him is great, but I can’t get past the teeth situation.

What makes me feel worse is that this seems completely fixable - he makes good money and is in a client-facing professional role where I’d imagine this would impact his career.

He doesn’t smoke, drink coffee, or use tobacco, so it’s not from habits. I guess what bothers me most isn’t even just the teeth themselves - it’s that I can’t understand how a successful, professional man in his 40s wouldn’t have already chosen to address this.

It kind of gives me the ick that he either doesn’t care about this very noticeable issue or somehow doesn’t realize how apparent it is. Am I overreacting, or is this a reasonable thing to be bothered by? Part of me wonders if I should be honest with him about why I don’t want a second date, especially since it’s something that could be addressed with Invisalign and whitening.

I keep thinking that if I were in his shoes, I’d want to know if something fixable was affecting my dating life. But I also feel incredibly shallow for letting this overshadow all his great qualities. I promised myself I’d date with intention and not settle after my divorce, but maybe I’m being unreasonable?

Also, is HE TA for only using photos where his teeth weren’t visible? I get that people want to put their best foot forward on dating apps, but I feel somewhat misled since this is such a prominent feature that was completely hidden in every single photo.

TL;DR: Had a great first date with a guy I’d been texting for weeks, but was shocked by his severely damaged teeth that were completely hidden in all his dating app photos.

Everything else about him was perfect, but I can’t get past it - especially since it seems fixable and I’m confused why a successful professional man hasn’t addressed it. AITA for being turned off by this, and WIBTA if I told him the real reason I won’t see him again?

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what commenters had to say:

WifeofBath1984 said:

The fact that he doesn't show his teeth in photos makes me think he's aware of the problem. He probably thought about it 1000 times before you met him. But the reality is you don't know why his teeth are like that.

It could be a genetic condition. It could be the results of medication he had to take. It could be an extreme fear of the dentist. I'm sure he is aware and I think it'd be cruel to point it out, especially given that you don't know the circumstances.

Ok-Raspberry-5374 said:

You don’t need to spell out the teeth issue. Simply thank him for the date and say you didn’t feel the romantic spark you were hoping for. That’s honest enough without being cruel.

Some people argue it’s kind to tell someone the exact reason, especially if it’s fixable. But in practice, it usually just hurts feelings. Unless you know him well enough to believe he’d actually want that feedback from a near stranger, it risks coming across as unnecessarily harsh.

lostlakemountain said:

I don’t think you’re TA but do recommend FaceTiming before a first date, especially if a longer distance is involved and you’ve chatted extensively. It helps ease some of those first date jitters and also allows you to get a “look” at them before meeting in person. I’m pretty particular about teeth and voice (picky, I know) but that’s helped me avoid situations like you experienced in the past.

elvie18 said:

Greyish sounds like tetracycline as a kid, or possibly something his mom took while pregnant, which isn't really fixable. When I was a little kid I always asked my parents why my teeth weren't white like everyone else's - that was why.

You can't help what you're attracted to but I wouldn't lay it out for him. "I thought I was ready to date but I was wrong," "the distance is too much" or even just "I'm not feeling a romantic connection" would work just fine. The guy knows what his teeth look like.

And candyforoldpeople said:

YWBTA - Just "fixing his teeth" is easy to say, but even successful, wealthy people can find it difficult to pay for dental restorative work. I work in a dental office and go over treatment plans with patients. I explain insurance and payment plans.

Even with insurance, I have seen treatment plans that are $15,000+ WITHOUT invisalign or other orthodontic options. That doesn't even take into account health issues, medications causing dental decay, or dental anxiety. Something you think is an easy fix may be a lot more complicated and expensive than you thought.