'AITA if I tell my best friend I no longer want her to be my maid of honor?'
"AITA if I tell my best friend I no longer want her to be my maid of honor?"
I (29F) am finally planning my wedding to my partner of 8 yrs. I do not have many friends, so I'm doing most of the work alone with my mum and future mother in law. There's only 3 ladies in my life who could be bridesmaids, my two childhood friends, and my sister.
Context: Since moving 5 hours away from my hometown for work about 6 years ago (with my now fiance), I unfortunately fell out of contact with most of my close friends, and, due to covid, found it exceptionally difficult to make new adult friends in a new city.
I only stayed in consistent touch with two friends: Sabrina, who was studying abroad to obtain her PhD for the last few years, and another, Megan, who ended up moving to the same town as me.
When Megan moved up, I was ecstatic. We live a 15 minute walk away. We've been best friends since childhood, so I thought we'd see each other all the time.
I was wrong.
Since moving to the same town, I see Megan less than I saw her when we lived 5 hours apart. She almost never answers her phone. She will enthusiastically make plans on the rare occasion I do see her, but there is a 90% chance she will ghost. She does not even have the respect to say she can no longer make it; she'll message days later to say something came up or that she was too busy.
This has caused real issues since she's the only person I know in this town aside from my fiance, and I've spoken to her about it, but she never changes.
Here's where I'm in a tricky spot. . .
When my partner proposed 4 months ago, Megan initially turned into the supportive friend I remembered from years ago. I'm a bit of a "tom boy" (do people still use this term? Lol) and I have absolutely no sense of style, no preference on decorations, etc, so she said she'd help plan everything (she is the opposite of me).
She even dropped that when "she gets married one day, [I] would be her maid of honor", obviously hinting that she wanted to by mine. I flippantly said that sure, she can be, if that makes her happy. Do you know who I've only seen twice since that conversation? You guessed it - Megan!
With the help of my sister, mum, and mother in law, I picked out a venue and selected a date last week. I texted Meghan to tell her the date. No reply. Prompted her again - no reply.
My other close friend, Sabrina, just returned from her studies. She's super excited about the date, and helped me book appointments to look at dresses. We still haven't gotten a reply from Megan.
At this point, I don't even know if she's really my friend any more. She's definitely not someone I can rely on at all. I've been worrying sick that she'll show up late, or not at all, because that's what she does. So, AITA if I do not make Megan one of my bridesmaids after I told her she could be my maid of honor?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Nah man, remove her and I either wouldn’t even invite her or invite her and expect her not to come. She may brings drama if she does. Then give her the exact same energy she gives you, it sounds like she’s not your friend anymore.
Hey , I see you are super busy. I've decided to change my wedding around. Of course, you know the time and place, I look forward to your RSVP as a guest when you receive your invitation.
You could probably just quit texting her and reaching out to her and she wouldn’t even notice… You might not have to tell her anything about no longer being MoH…
Planning a wedding is incredibly stressful. I would text her and ask her directly if she is still interested in being a bridesmaid and if there no response, send a second text that you understand that she’s busy and hope that she can attend the wedding as a guest at the very least.
NTA. I had a friend like this. We were really close throughout childhood (she was a bridesmaid in my wedding). We both moved away from our home town, she moved back a few years before I did (I left for a decade).
During that time, I reached out every time to my local friends when I was visiting my family in the area. She would make plans and then either break them last minute or ghost me. This happened repeatedly, including when I moved back.
She occasionally talks to my family (she's closer to my twin sister) and acts like nothing is different with them, but I just ignore it. I stopped trying to be friends with someone who obviously doesn't care about being friends, just keeping up with the facade. Value your peace and stop putting energy into a relationship that's not there anymore.
Just stop texting her and see if she reaches out to ask you any wedding questions. You may not have to “demote” her if you don’t hear from her. She took care of it for you.
IF she eventually does text you, you can just tell her you stopped reaching out because you thought her lack of response was the response itself, as you didn’t wanna have to beg her to be a part of your special day.
At that point, you can tell her if she’s actually interested in attending she would be welcome as a guest. And even if she would RSVP Yes, it’s questionable if she would actually show up.
Have you called to see if she is okay or do you only call about your wedding?
doanyofusevenexist (OP)
I am not a big wedding person and only communicate key updates. I don't care about details and I just want it to be fun for everyone else. I do suspect she might be depressed but she does not talk about that either, she's really poor with responding and will never answer phone calls. Only the occasional text will get a reply.
NTA. I told someone that I didn't want her as my moh anymore. Similar story but she was not involved in anything, was always giving excuses, etc. In the end, she was relieved to be absolved of the commitment and remained as a bridesmaid.