'AITA for telling my dad he made his own mess and I'm not helping him with it?'
"AITA for telling my dad he made his own mess and I'm not helping him with it?"
My dad is a mess. He and my mom were together for 7 years, high school sweethearts and everything, when mom found out she was pregnant with me. He says he freaked out and cheated on her because he was scared of being a father.
But he regretted it after the third time of sleeping with this other woman and thought he could leave it behind. He proposed to my mom and she accepted. Then when mom was 7 months pregnant with me the other woman showed up and said dad got her pregnant. My mom called off the engagement. From that mess dad has me (18m) and Staci (17f).
The other woman wanted a relationship with dad but he said he only ever loved and wanted my mom, she was a mistake, baby was a mistake. Mom didn't want him back. Dad ended up with 50/50 custody of me and Staci. Her mom tried for maybe 2 years it sounds like to get back with dad, even told my mom she was selfish for keeping dad from her.
Then she gave up. Dad pined for mom for years and tried to win her back. It pi%%ed Staci off. Staci was already pi##ed because her mom told her dad chose mom over them and me and mom over them. So she had a chip on her shoulder with me and my mom. When she was waaaay too young to be saying crap she was calling my mom degrading insults.
My dad would get so mad when Staci talked to mom that way and dad would tell mom he was sorry, he'd make it work, please, he only ever loved her, etc. This was going on when I was old enough to remember witnessing this pathetic mess.
I was 11 when dad moved on and finally let mom go. He met a woman, married her and had Georgie (6) with her. Staci was furious that dad fell in love with someone else other than her mom, that instead of falling in love with her mom "again" he found someone after he let go of mom... after 11 years.
So Staci hates Georgie and she treats her like s^%$. Dad's wife died when Georgie was only 3 and Staci has said some really twisted s^%$ about her to Georgie. Also to me because I got along okay with my dad's late wife.
I have mostly noped out of it all now. But I answer occasional calls from dad. He said he wanted to get the family together when we talked yesterday and that he wants us to be close. He needs my help. That we can't continue with the toxic mess.
I told him he made his own mess and I'm not helping him with it. That he needs to take accountability and stop making it worse. Dad told me I should care about my "sisters" and how we'll never be close if this continues. I told him it was not my fault. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
NTA. it sounds like your dad and staci and maybe staci's mom (heh) need counseling r something. He shouldn't be expecting your help. I almost wanted to say no one's an asshole but his guilt tripping you is what tips it over the line.
Minute-Atmosphere-35 OP responded:
I don't disagree but I can't ever see Staci seeking therapy. Or my dad for that matter. He could have used that years ago and maybe this mess would be less f&^%@d today.
NTA, OP. I imagine you’ll do well in life having had the blueprint of everything not to do so brilliantly laid out by your pops. I hope Staci finds healing in her adult life along with her mom (who does not have it going on) and that your dad does right by Georgie. What a painful messy life he has led thus far.
Minute-Atmosphere-35 OP responded:
I'm going to do everything I can to prevent myself ever getting into messy relationships like this. I would never cheat, that's s^%$ty anyway but I also see how f^%&$d up things can be when you cheat.
YTA - well not like a total AH, but you could try to make an effort. Kids shouldn’t suffer because of their parents mistakes and someday you all will need each other. You’re never better off having broken relationships in your life. It doesn’t sound like your dad is continuing to make mistakes like he did when he was very young.
He had 50/50 custody of you and your half sister and now he’s a single dad to a 6 year old. That says a lot. Can you give him some credit for the good things he has done? If we had to suffer our entire lives for the worst thing we did on our worst day, we would all be screwed.
Minute-Atmosphere-35 OP responded:
He has allowed Staci to act the same way for 17 years. He doesn't do enough to stop that. He isn't protecting Georgie from her. He might have had equal custody of the two of us growing up but that doesn't mean he gave us a good life.
I hope your mom found someone who gave her the love she always deserved. NTA
Minute-Atmosphere-35 OP responded:
My mom decided to stay single but she's built a really great life for herself.
NTA Staci's attitude is what's keeping any of you from being close. Until dad recognizes that and gets therapy with her there will never be a close family.
Minute-Atmosphere-35 OP responded:
I'll never have a good relationship with Staci even if she did come around through therapy or just growing up. The past has left too much bad between us and I can't even consider her a half sister. I consider her someone I had to endure most of my life.
Why was Staci in a position to say hateful things to your mom? Your dad never lived in the same house with either your mother or Staci's mom. Why would they ever be around each other? NTA.
Minute-Atmosphere-35 OP responded:
During exchanges dad would drop me off to mom first and then Staci to her mom. There were also times dad would bring Staci to a football game I had and if my mom was there Staci said something.
Nta because Staci sounds unwilling to have a positive relationship anyway, but do you have one with Georgie?
Minute-Atmosphere-35 OP responded:
I had an okay relationship with Georgie before I stopped going to dad's house. She's a sweet girl and I think we would have been a lot closer if we were a little closer in age or in a less toxic environment at dad's house. But I tried to be around as little as possible when I still had to live there half the time.
NTA but to be fair you should care about your sisters.
Minute-Atmosphere-35 OP responded:
I do care about Georgie. Never Staci. And I'll never care about Staci. Staci is already treating Georgie like s&^%. She hates Georgie more than she even hates me. Because dad chose to marry Georgie's mom when he did finally let mine go.