'AITA for telling my daughter she's free to live with her father if she thinks I'm in the wrong?'
"AITA for telling my daughter she's free to live with her father if she thinks I'm in the wrong?"
My ex and I have been divorced for two years. We have two children ages are four and fifteen. Our daughter is the oldest and she loves her father to pieces. She took the divorce the hardest and does blame me for not working things out. We have all gone through family and individual therapy. It has been hit or mess. My daughter thinks parents should work through issues for the sake of the family.
I have personal trauma with cheating my father cheated on my mother countless times and she never left him because she did not want to be a single mom. Yet she more or less was because my dad was always off with another person.
I swore to myself I would not go down that path. My mom also wanted me to work things out with my ex for the sake of the kids. Holidays are rough for her especially Christmas. Her father is not exactly reliable and of course I am the bad guy when he fails do what he promises because things would be so much easier if we lived together.
I was at my wits' end yesterday because her father promised to take her ice skating but never showed but for whatever reason it become my fault because as per my daughter if dad lived here he would not be so stressed and would have more time for all of us.
At this point I told her she is free to live with her father if she wishes I would not stop her and she was old enough to choose. So AITA?
Info from OP in response to questions:
Reread my post i did not explicitly said he cheated on me. Soon after we had our son he had a long standing fling or affair with someone else.
Yes, she is aware or the divorce. Yes we had multiple conversations, none with all of us together because her father refuses to sit down and talk about it since he feels divorce was a major over reaction.
Yes, my mother is aware of how i feel with regards to my father and our living situation while growing up and beyond until the day he died. My mother loved him to pieces he did not deserve that kind of love from her.
Yes, I worked through my issues. i had a longer explanation but I felt it was not really needed. i worked out my issues with my dad when i was older.
I have tried to work through this with her, we have done family and individual therapy. I have tried to explain my side in age appropriate ways. it has only gotten worse. She has even told me that as a parent I should put up with abuse for the sake of the kids cause in her head he was a good father.
I have gotten to the point where I am sick of being the reason because I choose not to be with someone that cheated on me. I don't want her to go, but I do need her to see that her father is not who she thinks she is. I get she is in pain, I just want her to see i am not the one preventing her from seeing her father that is all on him despite what he may tell her.
I just want to show her I am here for her, but she keep fighting back and acting out. Refuses to listen, does not respect the rules of the house, sneaks out at any chance she gets. I hope she takes me up on my offer so she can see what she wants unfortunately is not real. Her father is a walking POS.
HunterandGatherer100 said:
She’s allowed to be upset about your divorce and she’s allowed to love her father. It would be different if you sat down after the divorce and give her the option to live with either parent. But this is an extremely common reaction for children to have after their parents divorce and you really just need to be the adult here.
Homo_Oppo OP responded:
She had the option, her father was the one against it. He felt the kids should be together even though she wanted to go with him.
Here's what some people had to day to OP:
Speaking as a child of divorce. You are in a tough situation. Your ex would still be unreliable, is the impression I get, even if you all were together. Your daughter does not understand that. NTA
Another child of divorce here. If your daughter adores her father but he is unreliable, it may be easier for your daughter to believe his shortcomings are due to the divorce and not his own failings. It may be her way of making his behavior “okay.”
And if the primary parent is the reliable one, they often get the brunt of the child’s feelings because they are a safe person for the child to express themselves to. It’s hard because you don’t want to be like “if he really cared he’d make the time” because that would be devastating for a child to hear.
I think you handled it the best you could—as long as you are also there for her when things (likely) don’t go the way she hopes they will, and she is devastated in a new way.
Agree. Sometimes, kids need to experience things firsthand to truly grasp the reality of a situation. Hopefully, this will be a learning experience for your daughter.
It's tough to be blamed for someone else's shortcomings. Your daughter is projecting her disappointment onto you. Offering her the choice might help her see things clearly.
Your daughter is a brat. Kick her out. You don't have to put up with this. NTA