'WIBTA if I told my daughters that their mom's affairs caused our divorce?' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I told my daughters that their mom's affairs caused our divorce?"

About 1.5 years ago I found out my (now ex) wife had several affairs. We were married for about a year when I had to make a backup of her Phone. I had a hunch and went through the her chat history.. and found out everything. All in all she had 4 affairs in the year that we we're married. One starting 2 weeks after our marriage and 3 others starting 4 / 5 months later.

What made this complex was the fact that she had been suffering from Postpartum depression ever since the birth of our first daughter. She had delusions as well, believing that the child was swapped during childbirth and not hers, that the child was autistic.. etc.

She went into therapy, citing extremely dark thoughts and urges and was unable to be in the same room with me. Or talk with me without becoming enraged.

Long story short: She blamed me for everything, walked out of mediation.. made the divorce hell and told everyone that "DutchDad did something so evil and terrible that she couldn't stay with me anymore. But due to the fact that DutchDad was the father of her children she couldnt tell what it was"

To this day I haven't found out what "the evil thing" was.. I refuse to fight with her and have gone "grey rock" as every response triggers her. Since about a month I'm officially divorced from her and I'm strict "no contact'. But our oldest is blaming herself and is in therapy. The therapists think our oldest is suffering from ADHD or has an attachment disorder.

What I do think is that keeping the reason for the divorce a secret is negatively impacting her. Her life was ripped apart without any clear reason. "Mommy and Daddy don't like each other anymore but will always love you" is met with anger. Even at age 7 she understands that I'm keeping secrets from her.

So I've decided to tell her the next time she asks questions about this. But in an age appropriate way. WIBTA?

What do you think? WIBTA? This is what commenters had to say:

outtodryclt said:

Oh man. YTA. Your kid is SEVEN. This is a huge burden for such a young child. This was hard for me to deal with when I found out as an adult child. You need to follow the advice of the professionals here, or risk doing even more damage to your poor daughter's emotional health.

StrykerVeritas said:

If your ex is spreading lies about the dissolution of your marriage, are you sure this desire to be honest with your child isn’t a veiled way to exact revenge?

If not, 7 is a bit young to process something like marital infidelity. I’d consider waiting to tell her. In the meantime, you can preface the later conversation by engaging in age appropriate conversations that won’t undermine your truth (that mommy is a cheat) when she’s old enough to understand. Sorry for your troubles, friend. Best of luck to you.

OP responded:

No.. she's been spreading lies for ages. I've reached the point where I don't care what she does or says. Enough people know the truth. I do however fear for the effects of "gaslighting my kids". What do I teach her when I show her that daddy will lie to her. That he will keep the truth from her even though she asks him directly.

And yes.. I know that at age 7 she doesn't understand the impact of the truth. So that's why I've been keeping it from her.

sandra_nz said:

YWBTA, especially given that your daughter's therapist has advised you not to say what you want to say.

What your daughter needs to hear right now is 'Even though mummy and daddy don't love each other any more, we still both love you all very very much. You didn't do anything wrong, this is between mummy and me. I'm so grateful to have you and in my life and that is never going to change.'

[deleted] said:

NTA. Your child will only grow to resent you more if you don't tell her the truth. She will grow up blaming you and herself. The same exact thing happened to me when I was 6 (except my dad is the one who cheated).

For the longest time, my mom wouldn't tell us what really happened, only that "Mommy and Daddy still love you both very much." It wildly messed me up, psychologically, to believe that my Dad just didn't love us enough to stay. It turned my brother against her for years, and even as an adult (knowing what really happened) he blames her.

And sourkid25 said:

NTA I like how your wife has several affairs and is lying about it and you tell your daughter the truth yet you're an @$$hole

In response to a commenter asking her about his ex's lies, he shared this further info.:

I record every conversation I have with her.. and I've already pieced together some details of the stories she't telling people:

- I have autism and don't understand human emotions (sigh.. I even got tested to disprove this.. but i "faked the results")

- I'm abusive and aggressive and she fears me (I never touched her and she always told me I was one of the most gentle men she knew)

- She had to flee from the house, taking only the bare minimum (we were both staying in the same house.. on different weeks. One week she just left.. and I found out later that she took a ton of stuff and would never return. She never told me why..)

- I don't love our kids.. I only want them for the money (when the lawyers pointed out that she wasn't working and that I had to pay everything.. no matter if I had them 1 day a month.. or the entire month.. she said "then he wants them to control me").

- I'm a bad parent.. she demanded the school keep a log about my daughters because she's 'very worried' that I'm abusing them or being neglectful.

- I sold the cars, the furniture.. (I'm currently sitting on it)

- I tried to leave her with a large debt.. (I took the morgage and all debts on myself because I couldn't risk her not paying)

- etcetcetc.

It's something else ever week.. and tbh I'm not even bothered by it.

She tells the outside world that she hopes that "Dutchdad will be happy.. i wish him all the best in the world". But she denies the affairs and everything she did.. including her continuing attempts to paint me in a bad light.

When shown proof she rages. I just ignore her and move on.. her opinion isn't really important anymore and after 1.5 years of abuse I've grown a rather tough shell.

He later shared this update:

Looking at the responses the consensus is YTA. But to be honest most of the responses lack any explanation, experience or are just plain @$$holes themselves. Somehow people are missing the point that I'm not trying to punish my ex. I'm seriously worried about what the constant lies are doing to my daughter. But.. there are some responses from people who experienced this situation as a kid.

Some are YTA, some are NTA. But the experiences of people who were told as a kid had a *lot* more negative impact than the ones who weren't told. So I guess the best course of action is to just keep it neutral and refuse to answer her. She will get mad (again).. but so be it. I'd rather have her mad with me than hurt her.