'WIBTA for telling a hookup’s wife he’s cheating on her?' UPDATED

"WIBTA for telling a hookup’s wife he’s cheating on her?"

So the other day I (26 M) got talking with this guy (40s?M) on a dating app and he told me he had recently divorced from his wife. We decided to hook up and he invited me over to his place around the early evening.

I maybe I should have known what was up when I got there as it had the vibe of a place a married couple lived but I guess I just figured he’d kept the house. Or maybe I’m just projecting backwards, I don’t know.

Anyway, we got busy etc, and afterwards we were just kind of chatting in his bed when we heard the front door open and close and there was a woman’s voice calling up the stairs. He FREAKED out and started like pushing me into their en-suite to hide.

Obviously I figured out what was going on at this point and pointed out he’d told me he was divorced but he just said he’d explain later and closed the door on me and left the bedroom.

I couldn’t really hear what they were saying from there but she left again without entering the bedroom (luckily for him as he’d forgotten my clothes were still on their bedroom floor.) When he came back he said she’d come back to pick something up, and that he was sorry he’d lied and that I should go, so I just did, without really saying anything.

I’ve been feeling really guilty about it since though, and wondering if I should tell her? Obviously I don’t know her, but since they’re in their forties I figured they’d still use Facebook, and I knew his name so I was able to find her. I’ve even been feeling like I should have told her at the time but me appearing naked at the top of her stairs probably wouldn’t have been the best way for her to find out.

Most of my friends think I should stay out of it, since I’m not in either of their lives but I still feel bad.

What do you think? WIBTA if he tells his hookup's wife the truth? This is what top commenters had to say:

ArmChairDetective84 said:

You are going to get all kinds of “you NEVER out someone” comments but IMO his wife has a right to know. Not necessarily that he’s into men because she may know that but that he’s cheating on her , finding random hookups online AND bringing them into THEIR home to apparently bang in THEIR bed. I’m sure a nice guy, you sound like a compassionate person but what if you weren’t?

What if the next guy he brings into their home is some serial killer or someone who becomes obsessed and shows up and makes a scene in front of their kids or attacks his wife out of jealousy ? Cheaters NEVER think of that kind of stuff - only covering their asses.

OP responded:

He told me before we met that he was bi, and that his wife knew and that wasn’t why they “divorced.” I guess he could have been lying about that too but from the info he gave me I wouldn’t be outing him.

Relevant-Ad6288 said:

NTA, please tell her. As someone who was that wife, I will be forever grateful to the woman who told me the truth. And while my ex wasn't gay, she told me he had been sleeping with multiple other students (he was a college security guard) for over a year. Did it add to the pain and shock? Sure.

But knowing the whole truth helped me so much in moving on. Forced outing or not, she deserves to know the whole truth. Only getting a part of it and then finding out there's even more lies/hidden would be horrible.

Just be careful and super apologetic. Not that you're in the wrong at all, of course. More of hey, I'm sorry, your husband is a douche and I thought you deserved to know. Like I said, can't imagine where I'd be if the 4th girl my ex cheated on me with hadn't found out he was still married and reached out. She gave me years of my life and my sanity.

mellymo1 said:

NTA, if he did it with you, he will do it to her again... imagine the risk he is putting her at. Not just by sleeping with multiple people but bringing them into her home!! Please tell her...

A few weeks later, he shared this update:

Hey guys, a couple of people in the comments of the last post asked for an update, so I thought I’d give one now, sorry it’s been a while I’ve been quite busy. There’s nothing super juicy or dramatic to report though honestly.

I decided to message his wife and tell her, since that’s what almost everyone here recommended to do, and even most of friends who’d advised me to stay out of it came around and changed their minds when I showed them the post and all the comments.

I also decided to make another profile to hide myself just in case. I wasn’t sure whether to mention I was a guy; the possibility I’d be outing him honestly hadn’t occurred to me since he’d told me he was bi and his wife knew before they “divorced” but obviously he could have been lying about that. So in the end I didn’t mention that, and just say her husband had slept with me.

Someone suggested sending a screenshot of his app profile as proof but it was a faceless Grindr profile so that wouldn’t really work, so instead I just gave identifying details about their house and bedroom, the day it had happened and how she had come in to get something, and hoped that would serve as enough evidence. I also sent photos of the chats where he gave the address.

She didn’t reply or even see it for a few days, so I worried that she just didn’t check her messages on Facebook and it would just be sitting there forever and she’d never know, or would find out in like 3 years or something. But after like 4 days she saw it, but didn’t say anything. I thought that was fair enough, it’s not like she owed me anything and at least she’d seen it, but she did reply a few days later.

She thanked me for telling her, said a few things about how I’d “finally relieved a latent suspicion,” and for some reason she asked to meet me. I told her sorry I wouldn’t really be comfortable with that, and was sorry for what had happened, and she thanked me again and that was it.

Stupidly I didn’t block her husband - to be honest I assumed he would block me - and he messaged about a day later. Nothing too awful, just a paragraph about how “malicious” I was lol, so that was fun. I was tempted to reply but just blocked him instead. And that was it. Sorry there’s nothing more interesting or conclusive, but it doesn’t sound like they’re staying together. Thank you for all the advice!