Memorial Day invite breaks new mom after months of in-law boundary stomping and snubs. AITA?
"Tell me if we are wrong."
This year was my first Mother’s Day and I have been in the trenches with my son as my husband is a CEO with a long commute and can’t help much due to not being home even when he’s home his phone is ringing etc. I purchased a gift and card for MIL and grand mother in law and told my husband. My husband surprised me with a weekend away on the beach and day at the spa.
By the time I found out about this it was too late to mail anything and I’m sure my husband knew he couldn’t tell me to mail the gift without sending up alarm bells. We have spent every Mother’s Day with them even last year when I was heavily pregnant and for context my mom is single and lives 15 minutes away so she had no one to make a fuss over her and purposely moved close to us.
My in laws have been rude, boundary crossing and disrespectful for many years but it escalated with my son’s arrival. Just a few things my MIL did she came to me one morning and told me she didn’t want to be mean but if I was her daughter she’d tell me I need to dye my hair blonde and cut it, I can’t let myself go (I had a newborn and was preparing for a major major exam).
On my wedding day she told me I looked like a hot mess and the coordinator overheard and apologized on behalf of my MIL. They criticize our parenting and expect us to spend every holiday and birthday at their house (even got mad I didn’t want to have my sons first birthday at her house an hour away from our house).
So, Mother’s Day comes. My husband calls his mom and wishes her a happy Mother’s Day. My father in law makes a post listing all of the incredible mothers in his life listing everyone dead and alive but leave me out.
This post included people younger than me so it wasn’t a post for mother figures literally just mothers. (Keep in mind I’ve known this man since I was 18 and in that time I’ve spent every single Christmas with him and most other holidays and attended everyone’s birthdays and I have given birth to the first grandchild).
Then the next weekend my son starts cutting his first tooth on Thursday night it is really affecting him he’s fighting sleep crying a lot etc. my husbands adult sister is staying with her parents for the summer and her birthday falls on Sunday. We get a text that they are doing a celebration with the family at their house on Saturday.
Coming on the heels of the Facebook post and my son is inconsolable I tell my husband we can’t go to their house on Saturday due to the 1.5-2 hours my son will be strapped in his car seat (which makes him scream on a good day) but offer to take the sister to brunch on Sunday in a town half way between our houses which she happens to love.
They freak out in response and end up sending my husband text messages saying they won’t speak to him anymore and that if “someone” is making him pick them over his family it is wrong and he was raised better.
They give us the silent treatment for several days. Now I find out this morning that they have invited us to come to their house for Memorial Day when I tell my husband I’m not comfortable he says I need to be more stoic and not let them bother me I end up going to another room and crying.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Tell your husband to grow a spine. he’s letting his family walk all over you and you should not be allowing it.
Your husband doesn’t mean you should be more stoic, he means you should let his family be abusive.
You are not wrong. They are manipulative, petty and entitled. Ignoring you on your first Mother’s Day after years of you showing up says everything. Your husband should be shielding you not gaslighting your feelings. Stoic is not the solution when people are actively cruel.
Wait, your MIL came to your house when you had a newborn and said she didn't want to be mean but you shouldn't let yourself go and needed to color your roots? Wow.
UnionOk2156 (OP)
Yeah wasn’t even roots just that I need to go blonde it’s time to lighten my hair. She has a hair stylist that comes to her house and she wanted the baby and I to come to her house and for me to get my hair dyed and cut.
She said I could be a new woman when husband got home. 🤮 she has an obsession with being blonde and having blonde children I won’t get into specifics for anonymity but her children are not blonde lol.
Yeah just stop. Stop managing anything related to his parents. No gifts cards or organizing get togethers. Start spending time with people who love and support you. It doesn't need to be some declaration, just tell your husband every single time, I have plans. You should also start a separate bank account etc so if necessary, you have options.
I’d bet your husband’s life really hasn’t changed much since your child was born. He still works his crazy long hours while you do everything to hold down the fort at home. He doesn’t understand why baby being around means your lives can’t be exactly what they were before baby’s arrival.
Leave him alone with baby for forty eight hours, and I suspect his tune will change. And tell him that he wouldn’t tolerate disrespect in the workplace, so why should you tolerate disrespect and selfishness from his parents/family? He needs to step up as a husband and father and stand up against his bullying family.
Your husband is your real problem. Him being perfectly OK with you being abused is sickening. I think you know this. Consider showing him this thread.