'AITA if I tell my fiancé I’m uncomfortable with letting his daughter live with us?'
"WIBTA to tell my fiancé I’m uncomfortable with letting his daughter live with us?"
My (30) fiancé’s (46) adult daughter (22) did not take our engagement very well. She has told him she likes me but that we should have our own lives and that it’s not necessary for him to get married. She has also told him he should be prioritizing her and try to fix his relationship with his ex wife.
She has been like this since we got engaged 3 months ago and I’ve mostly stayed out of it until my fiance told me that she said I was using him for his money. He didn’t feel comfortable telling me exactly what she said but that was the gist of it.
Recently she asked to live with him part time in the home we just moved into and he told her yes, but she’d have to be okay with me living there. She freaked out at him and she essentially told him to kick me out as it’s her home first. He said he’s not willing to do that but she’s welcome to stay with us if she accepts the fact that I live there. I feel like an AH but I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable w her living with us.
My feeling is that it’s my home too and I don’t really know if I want to be living with someone who has said something so hurtful about me and clearly does not want me in my fiancés life. I’m also in the midst of studying for the bar and do not want to deal with additional stressors but also do not want to hinder their relationship in any way.
WIBTA for expressing my discomfort?
TL;DR: Fiancés daughter accused me of being with him for his money and he extended her an invite to live with us but i’m feeling conflicted about it as I’m hurt by the accusation.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
No-Introduction3808 wrote:
INFO how long have you been dating & how long had he been divorced?
I can understand the daughter being 8 years younger than you being difficult, how would you feel about your parents dating someone who’s 38?
OP responded:
We’ve been together for 1.5 years and he has been divorced for 3.
My dad remarried a younger woman and I personally did not mind but I can understand that being an issue for many.
kitty_parfae wrote:
I smell missing information. What sort of interactions have been had with you, him, and his daughter that has prompted this situation? Has he behaved in a way that makes his daughter upset or worried for him? Are you partially with this man for his money (honestly, no shame in it)?
This just feels like we are missing a whole section of the story that would give us all a bit more perspective. I am gonna go ahead and just say ESH. This all sounds like bad communication and maximum drama and I am here for none of it.
OP responded:
They were always close and so he thinks she has a fear of being replaced. She was fine with us dating but once we got engaged became very upset and urged him not to marry me.
She reiterated that she likes me but that marriage is not necessary so I think she probably had hoped it was an unserious relationship and hoped he would never get remarried. I’m not w him for him money. She’s a high spender and what I would truthfully describe as spoiled so it’s possible she feels threatened that his money will not all go to her.
BlueJaySweaty8359 wrote:
This is very close to the age gap between my dad and his wife (15 years) and us kids (oldest is only a gap of 8 years). None of us ever wanted our parents to get back together. And I thought the age difference was messed up, but that was probably the least messed up part about them getting together.
Now, the first few years, I didn’t really like her, but that’s because she had a habit of inserting herself into my relationship with my dad. He’s always been bad at being a dad. You’re NTA for feeling uncomfortable, but you will be if you tell him to tell his daughter she can’t move in. If she causes problems once she arrives, he will see it. But if you try to drive a wedge between them, you will 100% be TA.
pfooh wrote:
NAH. She is grieving. She might be officially an adult, but her response to you isn't personal, it's her trying to get back to the situation she knew and where she felt comfortable: Her parents being together, and her being part of that family. She would say anything to get back to that, including making rude comments about you.
That's not a good thing for a 22-year old to say, but please be a little patient with her. It's hard enough to see your father with somebody else. He is willing to take care of her and provide her a place to live. Which is great.
You are hurt and don't feel comfortable, which makes perfect sense. You have every right to express that feeling. But please keep the message about yourself: "I was really hurt by the things you said". That way, you open the door to an apology for her without making it about her. Embrace her, try to love her, even when hurt.
chafe3232 wrote:
I mean NTA. But your future step daughter is half the age gap between you and your husband. I wouldn’t be overly comfortable if I were her but obviously she isn’t right to want you kicked out. Honesty, good luck I don’t think this will be smooth.
Real_Robingoodfellow wrote:
ESH, why the heck are you shacking up with someone whose kid is closer in age to you than they are? Why are you marrying someone who is a parent if you’re not onboard with their kid being a big part of your life? Contrary to some commenter opinions, children (in functional families) don’t just get kicked to the curb and expected to fend for themselves the moment they turn 18.