'AITA if I tell my friend to stop doing deep internet dives on my past? She said it's a hobby.' UPDATED

"WIBTA if I tell my friend to stop with her coping mechanism?"

So I am trans, but I come from a culture where being trans is dangerous. For my safety I immigrated to a much more welcoming country when I was 22. I changed my name and began going on estrogen. I am much more happier as when I meet people for the first time they assume I am a cis female. I have a small group of friends that I made 3 years ago. One of these friends has a rather interesting hobby.

She enjoys going on social media apps and basically learning every thing she can about a person. I'm not really sure why she does this as it seems very weird to me but she basically told me that she does it because of the trauma she has from her high school friends who basically manipulate/b#$lied her into think she forgot important info about them.

Ever since then she goes on social media or even listens to gossips about almost everyone that she knows just so she never misses a thing. I don't really understand it but as someone with trauma myself I understand that we handle things differently then what's normal.

I haven't told my friends that I am trans. I understand that it seems wrong but I just generally don't trust people with that kind of information. It's not that I don't think they will be supportive I just don't think that they need to know this. That and I'm a little afraid of our dynamic changing as I love them a lot and can't stand to lose anymore loved ones.

I know that if it comes to a point where it's needed, I will tell them. But right now it's not important information. So this friend, Amelia (fake name) was acting really weird around me. It felt like she was bringing up or talking about similar things that I haven't told anyone about. Not directly but she'll say things like ex.

"I heard about this place called [restaurant that I went to when I was younger], the food seems interesting there". I thought I was just going crazy at first as the internet is free and she is allowed see things from my hometown without it being linked to me. That is until yesterday she was talking our friends about baby names as she is pregnant and brought up my freaking deadname.

We made eye contact for a bit as my friends gushed on how cute it sounded but all agreed it doesn't really fit her ethnicity. She moved on and never brought it up again. I don't feel anything towards that name nor do I feel like she isn't allowed to name her baby after it if she so desires to but it feels like a twisted form of power play.

I'm not sure how she found it but I don't think she'll use it against me nor out me as she's not that type of person. I feel like maybe she's just trying to hint that she knows. Right now I just want to call her out on what she's doing and tell her that she needs to stop as its making me uncomfortable. But again I'm not sure if this is the right move as it is her coping mechanism for her trauma.

The internet had a lot to say about the dynamic.

Worth-Season3645 wrote:

NTA…just keep ignoring this person. She is not a friend. And I call bull on her “trauma”. That is her excuse other than just being a nosy Nelly. If the trauma were true, she would not be doing the same thing. Your identity is no one’s business but yours to disclose if you choose to do so, in your own way and to whom you would choose to do so. I don’t think confronting this person is the way to do it.

OP responded:

You're probably right honestly, I'm just worried I might overstep and lose everything as they have been friends with each other longer than they have been with me.

Fashionably_punctual wrote:

NTA, that's so invasive and RUDE and gaslight-y that I wonder who was really the bully in her HS friendships. If she found out you had a d**d sibling, would she drop weird random hints about that, too?

Take away this being about your transition, and apply her behavior to any other sensitive topic someone wouldn't want casually hinted at in a public setting, and it should be easy to see how inappropriate and cruel she is being.

OP responded:

That...actually helped a lot thank you.

[deleted] wrote:

Are you sure she found something? Or did you maybe just react weird because she hit on a specific name? Is it a common name in your culture that she could have randomly come up with? or rare enough that she must know?

OP responded:

It's not a very common name in my culture, and I moved to a more Western country where unless I told her or again she found it no body would know it. It's hard to explain without directly outing myself on the internet.

hiddenkobolds wrote:

NTA for being uncomfortable, but telling other people what to do is a losing game. You can set boundaries by pruning your social media, either by restricting this person's access or by removing anything you don't want people to see.

I know the cat may already be out of the bag in this case, but it's still worth doing for the future. I'd also consider whether you want to be friends with this person. I'm not sure how compatible y'all are as friends, given your desire for privacy vs. her cybersleuthing habit.

OP responded:

I don't really have much on my social media, mostly because I'm not a poster so I really don't know how she found it as even my last name is different from my families.

Three months later, OP shared an update.

First of all wow, I just want to thank everybody for the nice comments and messages that were really sent to me. I'll be honest the last 3-4 months have been so difficult for me and the kind words I received really helped. On to the updates: Amelia gave birth to a healthy baby boy and no she did not name him after my deadname.

I don't think I would have cared anyway because 1. Like I said I don't feel any attachment or trauma with that name and 2. It's her loss if she names her son that because she is white as snow and I am an Arab. Regardless I still felt happy for her and celebrated her son because she was still my friend.

Second: There's a trend on tiktok or instagram where a Person A will record Person B and film their reaction to hearing the sentence "I'm so hungry I could eat [name]". For those who might not know the name that they will say tends to be the name of a person that Person B has a strong past with like an ex or an deceased friend or something.

Me and my friend group went over to my best friends house for a girls night to spend time with Amelia since she's been busy with her son. They did tiktok trend, and since I don't really frequent social media nor post myself I mostly watched and chitchatted with my other friends who also weren't super into trends.

We were having fun till Amelia pointed the phone at me and said "Hey [my name], I'm so hungry I could eat [father's name]".

I was beyond shocked. My deadname has no meaning to me but my fathers? Like a knife twisted into me. Hearing his name made me panic.

I guess my other friends noticed and told Amelia to stop and delete the video. I basically dissociated during the argument but from what my friends told me after was that Amelia claimed it was just a joke and a trend that people do. She then went on to claim I was in the wrong and outed me to my friends who luckily didn't care (like they we're accepting as I hoped).

She basically got kicked out of the house after a long screaming match and my friends told me she wasn't welcome in the friendgroup any more after what she had done to me.

I felt awful about this as she was friends with them longer than I was and felt like I was ruining things. They assured me I didn't and they accepted me. I apologized for not telling them sooner and they understood that it was my secret to tell.

Amelia did end up posting the video and vague posted about me and the rest of the group. It got taken down after my best friend confronted her forced her too and delete the videos but the damaged was already done and a lot more people knew. But on the brighter side I never really got questioned by those mutual friends of Amelia so that's good.

After that we never really heard or payed any attention to her again. I finally started therapy and my therapist was the one who suggested to update you all (as some form of closure she said). So once again thank you internet for all the kind words and messages and hopefully nothing else this bad happens again.

The internet kept it real in the comments.

Anxious_Reporter601 wrote:

Oh man, she suuuuucks. I am very glad to hear that your friend group chose you and defended you! And for what it's worth, I've seen people doing that trend but never using someone the person has a traumatic past with just someone they haven't spoken to in a while like an old friend or former colleague.

OP responded:

I don't know if she knew about what he did or if it was just a name that she found, I don't really want to ask either.

PumpkinSpiceTrauma wrote:

Amelia is so nasty. Outing someone because you’re pissed at them for beign hurt by something YOU did to them?! #psycho I also hope you told your friends that the baby name she mentioned was your dead name.

OP responded:

I did not because I rather not have people try to use it against me even if I know they won't, and anyway I'm sure they figured it out.

Dull_Double1531 wrote:

What's wild is I can alllllmost understand Amelia's explanation of her "coping response to trauma" in a way of like, "see? I know and remember things about you, I'm valuable and important and a good friend but I'm being subtle about knowing the things as it's not public knowledge" but in kind of a sad desperate way, not in the way she was doing it.

And even then that's still teenage girl logic, and we are to assume this person is an adult that is now a mother. The video proved she's been a heartless jerk from the beginning. I'm very glad the other friends saw her for who she really is.