'Should I tell my friend what her husband asked me?' UPDATED
"Should I tell my friend what her husband asked me?"
I apologize if the title is a little misleading. It's not as bad as it makes it seem, but still pretty terrible. So, my friend has an unreliable partner, who is now her husband. They've had problems regarding his insensitivity and unreliability.
Basically, her husband doesn't want to do anything that inconveniences his comfort and fun. So if it means thinking about other people, namely her, and having to do something instead of, say, playing with his band or watching TV, he doesn't want to do it.
Well, my friend is having surgery on Friday. A pretty serious surgery that will incapacitate her for about 8 weeks. I told her I would be there on the day of and hang out until she was out of surgery. It's going to be a long day, but I promised her I'd be there. Her husband is going to be taking her in and all that.
Her and I had a discussion over the weekend about his ability to step up to the plate and take care of her while she is recovering. She will need help with walking and managing her meds so she can stay ahead of the pain.
I told her I did not trust him at all to be there for her and that I will be texting him often to make sure he is doing his job. She was all "no, he's going to step up to the plate, I trust him!"
At first, she didn't and had planned to make meals for herself so he could heat them up for her and clean the house for him. Then yesterday she told me she wasn't going to do any of that and she's going to trust he will take care of her.
He just asked me if I would take care of her the day after surgery so he could go hang out with friends. The. Day. After. The first day recovering, and he's already ready to bounce.
I thought about it, fuming, and concluded that no, I would not do that for him. A: He promised her he would take care of her and B: I don't want to set a precedent that he will just call on me when he wants to ditch her cause I can see that happening very easily.
And C: If he told her now what he was planning it would have caused a fight between them 2 days before her surgery and she's already anxious about that. I didn't want to add to it.
If this was week 2 and he needed a break, I totally get it and would be over there. But this is DAY ONE. Now, the question is - do I tell her about this? Not now, obviously, but when she is well enough to receive it?
UPDATE:
Turns out I didn't have to tell her! He told on himself. I just got a message from her about it. Let's see how this goes...keep y'all updated!
ANOTHER UPDATE:
Well, he told her that he asked me to, as he put it, "babysit her". She is upset, but mostly I think she is just tired and disappointed in him. I asked her if he told her to test the waters and see if he could just leave while she was sleeping.
She said yes because he said "You'll just be sleeping right?" I asked her what she said to him and she said she said nothing and finally he worked it out himself that since it was her first day home he should stay with her.
I told her when she's better she has decisions to make. She said in his mind he thinks if he can get someone to "babysit" her and do the fun thing, then in his mind it's a win-win. I told her he's a selfish prick.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
You most likely won't have to tell her. She'll figure out just how unreliable he is within a week after the surgery. And if he's able to keep it going, then good for him, maybe it's for the better.
Yes. Tell her, neutrally. As if it's not an issue. This is how I'd play it:
"Hey. Your husband, let me know he was looking for help on Day 2, and I'm sorry I'm not free, but if YOU are really desperate, you can call me after
."
You can do her a favour. After he's failed. He gets no favours. Consider being free that day when she calls, because you know he's almost certainly going to bail on her anyway. Maybe over-meal prep a bit so you can leave a few things in her freezer, but only after he's failed to feed her.
Let him fail first. Then help her. Never, ever cover for him in advance. Be "luckily able to help" when he doesn't perform. She has to feel his failure first. Unfortunately, nothing but that anxiety and suffering is gonna teach her.
Dazzling-Brush-9005 (OP)
Good idea. Letting him fail first -and he will! I am seriously wondering if he will find a way to leave her on Saturday. And his friend knows his wife is having surgery? Why would you ask if he could come out knowing that? What the hell?
Ooof...the narcissism and self-centeredness are literally dripping off this guy. I would say you keep it to yourself. She's already deluded herself. Telling her might push her into a defensive mindset and have the opposite effect. It'll be better to let him fail at it and let her break her own delusion surrounding her husband.
That man-child will dig himself a hole in the upcoming 8 weeks and hopefully she'll see the light at the end. If she doesn't, your words wouldn't have changed anything anyway. Be as supportive as you can, but any time the husband is involved, pull back and let him fail before you step in.
At the same time, for your sake, some boundaries need to be set so that you can protect yourself and step back when it all comes crumbling down. It's not your relationship, so it shouldn't drag you down with it.
Five days later, the OP returned with an update.
Hello! The surgery went well, so I will start there. It was a long day and she didn't get home until after midnight! She told me her husband was doing a great job when I checked in on her on Saturday, and when I checked in on Sunday, he was still holding strong.
And then came Sunday evening... She sent me a message that his "care" was slipping, but not to message him about it. However, he is working from home right now which was up in the air last week. Hopefully he will do that the rest of the week.
I told her on Friday that if she asks me for something - to come over, do something for her, etc., I will do it. But not if he asks. I will not bail him out. She agreed with me on that.
He has a class on Wednesday evening that he teaches, so she asked me if I could come over while he's gone. I'll get even more intel then I am sure. She did say he was pretty shaken on Saturday when he saw how weak she was and how difficult it is for her to move around. Hopefully he will stay the course, but who knows.
Thank you for all who commented on my last post. I told her about it and she got a kick out of it. I will say that he did try to float the idea to her on Wednesday night of going out because "she'd be sleeping anyway". She told him that I refused to "babysit" her because I felt it was inappropriate for him to bail on her after her surgery.
He shrugged. SHRUGGED! She told him she agreed with me and that he has a history of not being there when she needs him and bailing when things get hard so this was an opportunity for him to step up to the plate. We shall see what happens.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
When he's constantly negotiating the LEAST amount of effort that she will accept, it speaks volumes to his lack of quality.
May this kind of love never find me or anyone of you.
I would have to stop being friends with the married women. I'm tired of women forcing other (single) women to carry their husband's slack and simultaneously rubbing being married in single women's faces.
I'm tired of women putting mediocre men on pedestals at the expense of their friends. I'm tired of the bar being in hell. These kind of women hold all of us back. Not saying all the above is true in this case necessarily but friends like this are draining.
In some cases I would say the standards are in hell, however in this case there are no standards at all.
People like this guy disgust me, it really isn't that much of a burden to take care of someone after surgery, let alone your partner, what a scumbag.