'My BF wants me to tell my sister-in-law that my brother cheated. Am I overreacting?'
"My BF wants me to tell my sister-in-law that my brother cheated. Am I overreacting?"
One year ago on my brother's stag he cheated on his soon to be wife. One year later they're now happily married with 1 child and another on the way living the perfect marriage.
My brother is a jerk. Always has been. Can never keep still. I don't have a relationship with him. I don't agree with what he did nor do I really care. It doesn't affect me and if I just go around saying it then it would make my life and my family's life considerably worse.
All my other brother's know. My dad knows. All his friends know. He wasn't really hiding it when he did it. If I'm the one who spills the beans then my brother will blame me for his own mistakes. And it'll probably ruin every family gathering for the next 20 years.
I don't like my brother. He's the complete opposite of me. When I found out he cheated I wasn't surprised. That's definitely a thing he'd do. And frankly my defense is the wife should know what type of person he is.
You don't go around marrying the biggest floozy around and hope he doesn't cheat. It was bound to happen. He thinks his stag was a free pass and he did nothing wrong. Maybe they communicated about this before the stag. Yet he still sworn us to secrecy.
Now we were talking about how much of a jerk my brother is and it slipped out. I thought he wouldn't care or we'd agree on it that's why I said it. He wants me to come out and tell her the truth.
He thinks it's a terrible thing to do. It's not an ultimatum but he's going to think less of me. I love him way more than my brother but I still don't think it's my place to break up a family. And at the end of the day family comes first.
Anyway I said I won't do it and he's super annoyed. But we're both very quiet and he hasn't a notion of saying anything either. But it'd nearly be easier for him to say something it's not his family. So if he thinks it's that morally wrong I'm giving him full power to do the right thing. Am I wrong?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
The kind of family who would keep this a secret from a person choosing to join the family is one I'd genuinely never want to be apart of, also think of it from your boyfriends perspective if you're all willing to keep this lie to your sister-in-law what could you all be lying about too him.
But that's also a side point this is just a horrible thing to do to someone and whether you have him tell her or not the consequences are the same the adult thing to do is not to hide behind him and just tell her regardless of how it hurts you because she's the real victim.
Well said. This is typical victim blaming to avoid responsibility. "She should have known" logic is terrifying for the boyfriend and understandably so. Unfortunately, these people are looking for innocence through omission. The real question is simple:
"If my boyfriend were cheating on me, would I want someone to tell me?"
Sadly, the response to this question is rarely answered honestly because doing so would reveal hypocrisy.
You are overreacting. You won't be breaking up the family, your sleazy brother took care of that. Put yourself in her shoes- you find out everyone but you knew he was a cheating hose bag and no one told her.
The betrayal from her husband, coupled with your duplicity in hiding it would be crushing. Keeping this information from her puts you all at your brother's level. If I'm your BF, and you keep this from her, I'm going to be wondering what you're keeping from me. I'd be gone.
If I was your bf and you said nothing I’d leave you, you’re only as good as him if you keep His secret.
Sounds like your boyfriend values integrity and you are currently showing him you value integrity less than convenience.
You are overreacting I was onboard with you as I have family I don't want anything to do with, and I don't care who they're cheating on I don't want anything to do with them. No contact in 15+ years.
However your defense isn't that he's a stranger or that you don't want anything to do with them. Your defense is that "Family comes first" and it's "not my place to break up a family".
If I heard my gf say that sort of stuff, it's over for us. You're helping a cheater hide their cheating because it's your family. You're willing to let him ruin someone's life because he's "family" even though you don't like him.
If I was your bf, I'd be thinking "Wow she doesn't even like her brother and is willing to hide his cheating? I wonder what she'd do for herself, or I wonder how far her family would go to hide her cheating from me?" He's seeing the real you, and it's probably super gross and uncomfortable for him.
You say family comes first but what kind of family is it, if its based on lies? I agree that the wife knew what she was getting herself into, and it may not entirely be your place, but love can blind us and she still deserves the truth.
Don't let her stay, for years, with someone who has been unfaithful to her and lied to her in his vows. You can always try to do it anonymously, but at the end of the day no one in your family can blame you for ruining anything, it was your brothers actions that did that.
You'd simply be bringing it to light. I couldn't bare that weight on my shoulders, I would say something immediately (even if you don't really care). But do what you wish! just know there is only 1 right thing to do.