"AITA if I tell my stepdaughter she’s not welcome?"
My stepdaughter is 22. We have custody of her 2-year-old for various reasons and she recently had another baby who she’s managed to hang on to for now. Since she’s had the new baby she’s not really been bothered with the 2yo and if she does have him she either plonks him in a high chair in front of the TV or leaves both him and her with my MIL while she goes back to bed claiming she’s too tired.
She’s also got it into her head that everyone favours the 2yo over the baby because we don’t include her in things or take her out. She’s been told he’s not favoured but as he lives with us and the baby doesn’t we can’t include her in everything and some of the things we do with him aren’t appropriate for a 2-month-old. There seems to be lots of resentment by her towards the 2 yo.
Last week I asked SDs mom to have the 2 yo as SD should have had him the week before and let him down. She kicked off at my husband calling him a c**t and saying Wednesdays had always been her day. Because I needed to leave the house at 7.30 to go to work and she’s so unreliable with time or says she can’t have him because of xyz we made arrangements for him to go to her mom’s.
I asked her if she wanted the 2yo today for a few hours and she just replied the baby isn’t well. She doesn’t seem to realise that if you have more than one kid you can’t ignore the other one if one’s ill (regardless of the fact the 2yo lives with us). SD is a narcissist and has to make everything about her. Everyone’s birthday or special event she has to ruin and make it about her.
She even tried to ruin our wedding multiple times until my sister and best friend got in her way. Yesterday was my husband's birthday. He was 40. No phone call, text message or Facebook post came from SD all day. SDs mom came to ours to drop his birthday present off. When we told her he’d heard nothing from SD she immediately rang her and put her on speaker.
She asked why she hadn’t called her dad on his birthday and she said and I quote “he doesn’t give a f about me so why should I give a f about him”. My husband was so upset he was inconsolable at the sheer contempt in her voice. I’m not sure what we expected but it definitely wasn’t that. We’re having a party tomorrow and my husband doesn’t really want her there now after hearing what she said.
He doesn’t like confrontation so I’m more than happy to tell her he doesn’t want her there because of what she said. Even if she hadn’t said that she’d try and ruin the party like she does everything else because the attention has to be on her. AITA if I told her she’s not welcome at the party and her dad doesn’t want to see her?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Annual_Version_6250 wrote:
NTA. Honestly unless she has court ordered visitation, I'd go no contact with her. She's going to do far more damage to your family than she already has.
Bless you for stepping up.
OP responded:
It’s not court ordered but our custody plan said once a month but we’ve let her have once a week since July. Since she’s had the new baby she’s been more and more inconsistent.
Marykk10 wrote:
About time someone told her and her problems to get lost. Is there anyway to terminate her parental rights for 2-year-old? Get child support or garnishment of income? Apply for ss or Medicaid?
Someone SERIOUSLY needs to get this person out of the picture entirely. That poor kid's mental and emotional well-being have surpassed abuse. Not being welcome is the least of this BS. NTA for the not welcome part. I'm just not sure about this scenario. Good luck 🙏
OP responded:
We can try and terminate them but I’ve never seen it done for a mom outside of adoption. We have full custody and our parental rights overrule hers so that’s something I suppose. We’re in the UK and the hoops we had to jump through to get custody were a joke.
no-assignment5538 wrote:
ESH. If your husband, her biological father, doesn't want her there, he should be the one relaying that information. Don't cast yourself in the evil stepmother role.
OP responded:
In her eyes I already am because her son prefers me to her so I’m not really bothered if she hates me even more. I’ve got a thicker skin than my husband so I can take what she throws at me.
Similar_Pineapple418 wrote:
Info: have you already invited her to the party.
OP responded:
We haven’t done official invites and it was implied my in-laws and she would be there as it’s family. She usually behaves with my FIL around as he’s kind of the don of the family but I wouldn’t put it past her to try something.
CompetitionOdd1746 wrote:
No you WNBTAH. If she kicks off, just ask her why she'd want to come if she (i) feels he doesn't give a feck about her and (ii) has decided she doesn't give one for him.
Does she know there's a party, and the details? If not, ask people for radio silence. If it's at home, try not letting her in.
OP responded:
She knows when and where it is. I’ll be telling her she’s not welcome even though she told her mom she’s not going because the baby’s ill. She’ll still try and come anyway regardless of the baby being ill as she wants to appear she’s the perfect mom and amazing daughter for buying her dad cupcakes.
Past_Camera1328 wrote:
Info: is she getting any kind of mental support/therapy, & has she been screened for PPD?? As someone who has been on the same side of kinship fostering as you, & supported other families as they went thru this process, it messes with their heads, extensively, especially when the kid(s) is(are) young, & moreso if they get pregnant again.
OP responded:
She’s got EUPD but isn’t medicated or under any kind of mental health professional. She knows how to get round the questions to be sectioned even though she really needs to be as she’s so unstable.
glasshopper85 wrote:
NTA. Little girl needs to learn what boundaries are. She f-ed around and found out. Maybe some time away from her dad will give her some perspective.