'AITA for not wanting to tell my sister that her boyfriend is the father of my son?'
"AITA for not wanting to tell my sister that her boyfriend is the father of my son?"
Hi, I’m not really sure how to start this. I’m in a really uncomfortable situation and would appreciate some outside perspective. Back when I (24F) was in college, I had a serious relationship with someone I’ll call Luke (26M). We dated for a little over a year and were pretty serious.
Near the end of our relationship, I got pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but I decided I was going to keep the baby. Luke initially said he’d support me. We agreed to tell our families and figure things out from there.
The next day, he disappeared. No calls, no texts. A couple days later, I got a package in the mail with some cash and a short note that just said something like, “For getting rid of the baby.” That was it. I never heard from him again.
I was angry, embarrassed, and honestly overwhelmed. I ended up moving back home and raising my son on my own. I didn’t tell my family who the father was. I just said the relationship didn’t work out and that I didn’t want to talk about it. They didn’t push.
Fast forward to now: My son is two, and things are okay. I have support from my family, I’m working, and I’ve found some stability. A few weeks ago, my sister (28F) told us she was bringing her new boyfriend of a couple months to her birthday dinner.
She seemed really happy about it, so we were all looking forward to meeting him. It was that GD MF Luke. We both immediately recognized each other, but neither of us said anything in front of anyone. I left the dinner early. I think I just felt stunned and unsure how to even process it.
Later that night, he came by and asked if we could talk. He told me his parents found out about the pregnancy back then, and that they pulled him out of school and cut him off from me completely.
He said they were the ones who sent the money and the note, and that he didn’t know I’d gone through with the pregnancy. He thought I had gotten rid of the baby and that it was over.
I don’t know how much of that is true, but he did seem genuinely surprised and shaken. We talked for a while, and eventually he asked if I was going to tell my sister. I told him I wasn’t planning to. I said I didn’t want to create unnecessary conflict, especially if the relationship was new and might not go anywhere.
That was a few weeks ago. I haven’t told my sister anything, and Luke hasn’t reached out again. But I’ve been sitting with this, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lie to my sister, but I also don’t want to cause drama if this relationship fizzles out on its own.
At the same time, if things don’t fizzle and he stays in her life long-term, it feels worse to stay quiet. I’ve been avoiding being around them, which I think she’s noticed. I don’t think she suspects anything, but I also know I can’t avoid this forever.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
I'm gonna say you're not an AH for not wanting to, but that you should tell her. Especially with the context of what happened and what he has told you happened.
NTA for feeling this way, but ask yourself if the tables were turned how you would feel. Could this ruin your relationship if it comes out later? Also, causing a little drama now, might be worth preventing a family split later. What if your sister gets pregnant?
Do you really want her suffering the way you did? How will she feel when she realizes you kept this from her? How will this make your child feel, seeing their dad be the dad for their cousin, but not you.
Let’s be honest, with today’s DNA kits, it will come out eventually. Maybe let your sister know that you are okay with her choice to stay with him, or not and that by telling her, you are not trying to influence her relationship.
Let her know you just want her to know everything because you love her and don’t want to keep secrets from her and you felt like keeping this would cause her more pain, and take away her voice in how she feels about this very random and unlikely situation. He definitely has a type.
NTA for not wanting to. But you would be TA if you didn't tell her. Think how she's going to react WHEN she finds out. These things always come out.
You NOT telling your sister IS lying to her. You can’t hide this- it will come out. Be up front now and avoid the worst of this situation.
YTA! This isn't the type of secret you keep from your family if you care about them. Your sister needed to know the first night what type of AH she was with. You need to fix this now before this gets deeper.
Edit to add, I'm thinking about the future when this child gets a DNA test and finds out that any children your sister and this jerk have are half-sibling-cousins. That will be a nuke in your family. It's better to fix it now.
I advise you to tell your sister out of respect for family ties but above all to prevent him from lying and telling a false story to your sister and family.
So now he knows you had the child and instead of stepping up with support or addressing what role he could have in the child's life; he's concerned about if YOU are going to tell your sister. Which let's you know he sure isn't going to. You don't know if the story about the parents is true. Or what story he might make up about what happened between you to tell your sister.
NTA, but air this out! Imagine five or so years into the future. Your sister is married to Luke and finds out, either accidentally or otherwise, that Luke is your son’s father. How is that going to play out?
Also: child support!
Also: Your son will deserve to know who his father is and develop a healthy relationship with him as early as possible.