'AITA for telling my wife she doesn't look good at her current weight?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my wife she doesn't look good at her current weight?"
34M. I know it sounds bad but please hear me out before you call me the asshole. My wife (33F) had a baby girl seven months ago, and I'm deeply concerned about her health.
Some context is that my wife has a long history with anorexia, and was hospitalized for the eating disorder twice. The first time was in high school and the second time was in law school. I met my wife in college, and so I saw her go through it the second time, and it was terrifying.
Basically, what my wife told me is that it isn't about weight or looking a certain way for her. She got sick the first time after her mother died suddenly, and obsessing so much about her weight keeps her mind off the things that were actually bothering her.
Before we had our daughter, my wife was doing much better. She ate a normal amount, worked out a few times a week, and didn't weigh herself or make efforts to lose weight.
Here's the crux of the current problem. My wife decided to take a year off work to be with the baby. Initially, I thought this was a good idea, but now I think it was a huge mistake. She's home alone with the child all day and has all the time in the world to think about "losing the baby weight."
When my wife first told me she wanted to lose the baby weight, I figured it was a normal response to having a baby since your body changes so much. But then I noticed the weight was coming off really quickly and she's now probably twenty pounds skinner than she was before having the baby. I've noticed a lot of really strange habits.
She cooks lavish meals for me and bakes all the time but refuses to eat carbs during the week and makes herself a different dinner. She's obsessed with fitness influencers and has started rewatching "the Biggest Loser" for the first time in years.
A few months ago I checked her Fitbit, and realized she was moving at least ten miles per day which is crazy considering she was with an infant. I asked my wife about this, and she said she just likes going on walks with the baby and running on the treadmill helps her ease stress from being with the baby all day.
She's since suffered from a stress fracture in her ankle and SOBBED when she found out she wouldn't be able to run anymore for a few months. She seems to be compensating by eating even less.
I've had multiple conversations with my wife expressing concern, but she insists she's just taking care of her body and she has more time to workout now that she's on maternity leave. Whenever I ask if she's okay or suggest she talk to a therapist, she gets defensive and says I'm being over protective.
A few weeks ago we went to my parents house for dinner and my mother looked visibly shocked when she saw my wife. She pulled me aside, and told me my wife looks sick. In addition to basically being skin and bones at this point, she's she's cold all the time, her fingers are blue, and her hair is falling out.
It's clear she's not well, but she refuses to acknowledge there's a problem or that any of her habits are unhealthy.
Anyways, last weekend was our anniversary. My parents took the baby and we went and stayed downtown for a few nights. We don't have many opportunities to be alone in bed with the new baby, so we haven't been intimate in a while.
My wife tried to initiate it, but she looked so frail that I actually got a bit teary because all I could think about was how she's sick and clearly suffering. I told my wife she's way too skinny and needs to see a therapist because I'm worried sick about her. My wife, once again, accused me of being overprotective and said there was nothing wrong with exercising and wanting to look good after having a baby.
I told her she didn't look good at her current weight, and that everyone was worried about her. When I said she didn't "look good", I meant that it's clear she isn't healthy, but this comment really upset my wife.
She was crying, and saying I wasn't attracted to her anymore. I told her I was concerned and begged her to tell me what's bothering her so much that she needs to starve herself, and she basically asked why she'd tell me after I told her she didn't look good. My wife has shut down even more, and won't have a real conversation with me. AITA for making that comment? I'm worried I've made things worse.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Hi, I am an atty, a mom, and recovering anorexic (married to a psychiatrist) so I feel like I know this subject area.
Your wife needs to be hospitalized at a facility that has experience/expertise in eating disorders. She is endangering herself and your daughter at this point. She will pass out. If that happens and she is alone or she is holding your daughter a catastrophe is very likely to occur. If that happens CPS very likely will be involved.
She may have ekg changes or other organ dysfunction that needs to be monitored and treated.
Does she have friends/family that you can loop in? If so, I would immediately. Eating disorders are the most fatal psych disorder.
I know all too well what it feels like after having a baby. I’ve done it 5 times.
It would be a good idea to consult with an attorney in the event she needs involuntary treatment.
But there isn’t time to waste on this. NTA
As a doctor, I agree with you. I would have her involuntarily committed if she won't go willingly. She's at high risk for refeeding syndrome and absolutely needs close monitoring.
NTA. Your phrasing could do with some work, but I think you can be forgiven due to your obvious concern.
So how would you phrase it exactly? How do you tell someone their weight isn’t healthy and they look sick without telling them?????
Well I would probably try to avoid couching it in terms of her looking good or bad. Focus more on the fact that she doesn't seem healthy and concerns in that direction.
There’s no nice way to say it and it needed to be said. There’s no magical phrasing that would have made this necessary conversation any easier. She’s in denial and she’s obviously not perceiving reality correctly.
OP came back the next day and provided this update:
I want to thank everyone for their kind words and suggestions. Given I scared a lot of you (sorry), I thought I owed you an update given my wife and I have come to a sort of resolution. I was really struggling with the right approach to this issue, and many of you confirmed my instincts that I needed to get my wife to a hospital ASAP.
I got really freaked out reading your comments + doing my own research and realizing how deadly my wife's illness really is. To be honest I was in denial about how bad it really was for a while (maybe I desperately wanted to believe she was okay), but now it's so obvious to everyone that my wife has relapsed.
I ended up calling my father-in-law shortly after I posted on Friday and expressed that I'm deeply concerned about my wife's safety and need help getting through to her. He's an amazing dad, and was on an airplane that night (he's about an hour flight away).
My father-in-law and I had a long talk with my wife about how worried we are and how it's clear to everyone that she's not taking care of herself. My wife was angry and resistant at first, but my father-in-law made a comment about how hard it was for her to grow up without her mom, and how none of us would ever want that for our daughter.
My wife still insisted she was fine, but it was at least enough to convince her to go in for a checkup. She also admitted for the first time that she's also experiencing dizziness and a fluttery heart, which obviously really upset me. Luckily, given her history + the severity of some of her symptoms, we were able to get her in right away.
Without getting into too many details, my wife has since been checked into an in-patient program not too far from where we live. I am experiencing a lot of conflicting emotions. On one hand, I am relieved she's finally getting help and I think she'll be okay since she's successfully overcome this twice before.
Also, now that we have a daughter, I know she'll be more motivated than ever to recover from this. On the other hand, I'm obviously devastated that she's in so much pain and I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't intervene sooner. I'm obviously worried sick about her and don't want her to suffer.
She was emotional and crying when we left yesterday night because she didn't want to be without me or our daughter. It was terrible leaving her there, but I know it's the right thing to do. My mom has offered to help with the baby while I'm at work, so I have that covered, but I obviously miss my wife and wish she was home.
Again, I know it's the right thing to do because the most important thing she can do right now is get the help she needs so she can live a long and hopefully very happy life.
Thank you again for your comments, suggestions, and kind words. Some of your comments were honestly difficult to read (especially the ones saying my wife is in serious danger) but you were correct.
I also appreciate the many people who commented that they've gone through similar things and have made it through. It gives me hope that my wife will be okay too and can recover from this again. Thank you all so much, your kindness means the world to me.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
I love that her dad dropped everything to be there for his baby… she’s lucky to have him and you! Sending healing energy.
It’s probably partially my pregnancy hormones but I started crying when I read that. So grateful for a good update, they seem to have a strong support system.
You and your father-in-law did the right thing and I’m so proud of you. ❤️ I wish your wife (and family) the absolute best and hope that the in-patient program works wonders for her.