'AITA for telling a friend I can’t come to her wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling a friend I can’t come to her wedding?"
She is planning a color-themed wedding and wants all her guests to wear white. My husband likes black and doesn’t even own a white shirt! i don’t have a white dress or shoes.
I had to tell her that if she does this, we won’t be able to attend. We’re on fixed incomes and can’t afford to buy new clothing and shoes for somebody else’s wedding.
Her mother is against her plan, too. She thinks it’s unfair to require a particular color unless a person is in the wedding party. Friend just snaps that “you have a year to save up” and thinks I’m being a bad friend.
I’ve called men’s rental shops and we can’t find a white suit for rent for less than $75. I’m sure I’ll need as much or more for my dress and shoes, and that’s on top of shower and wedding presents. I don’t think I’m TA for RSVPing with regrets when it’s time. What do y’all think?
UPDATE:
For all of you who just think I’m fishing for an excuse not to go: THAT IS NOT TRUE AT ALL. We’re on disability and income is a big issue for us.
We are still going to send them a nice wedding and shower gift - and that’s going to stretch us too, because one place setting of her china and crystal is $150 a pop! This is NOT something we “just don’t want to do.”
Whenever I’m asked to be somebody’s bridesmaid I have to regretfully decline too. Just can’t afford a dress, shoes, hair, makeup, manicure , a share of the shower and bachelorette costs AND gifts.
I was upset when I heard about this because I knew we’d have to decline. We already went to her engagement party and bought a gift for that. There are limits to what we can afford. Believe me, we’re disappointed too.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Bride is totally free to design her wedding as she pleases. Persons who are invited are free to turn down that invitation. If you can't afford it, way better to not attend rather than put yourself in debt for buying clothes to go to a wedding.
NTA. It’s an unusual request from the bride but it is her wedding. Of course you are not the AH for not spending the money on your outfits if she’s putting aesthetics above friendship.
NTA. If the bride/groom are going to set arbitrary rules that mean guests have to make a financial outlay over and above the norm then they have to be prepared that some people guests will say no and it's out of order for the bride to accuse you of being the 'bad friend'.
Nearly three years later, the OP returned with an update.
I posted this years ago on the lower anatomical body part forum (this one won't let me use the name).
I'm updating it with the eventual outcome.
My friend got engaged and started planning her wedding. She was in her thirties and it was not her first wedding. Before everybody squeals, I DO NOT think it's wrong for a repeat bride to have a big, formal wedding. That is NOT the issue. What I DO feel was that some of her expectations were unreasonable, given her age and the ages and life circumstances of her friends.
She got pissed with me right from the start. I declined being a bridesmaid because I'm on disability and didn't think I could afford the dress, a share of the shower and the bachelorette party, plus shower and wedding gifts.
I was also afraid my disability would inconvenience her because I have chronic pain, and I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next. It makes trying to plan anything a pain. There was a high chance that I'd let her down on helping with wedding work and going to appointments.
I thought she'd understand but she was majorly pissed! She said I had a year to save up for my wedding attire. I have an opinion on that but kept it to myself and apologized for disappointing her.
She wanted a destination bachelorette party. The bridesmaids and her friends are all married with kids. I don't think it was reasonable to expect us to head off for a week at Myrtle Beach.
A weekend, sure, but not an entire week. The expense was another no-go for me. I did what I could to support her. We attended her engagement party and brought a gift, which wasn't cheap. Read on.
She registered for china, crystal, the works. I know that's not a faux pas - but she had a full set from her first wedding. She just wanted new stuff. This is where I admit that I might be the lower anatomical blowhole. I feel that asking her friends for such pricey gifts for the second wedding was unfair.
Okay, now on for the real big deal: six months from the wedding, she decided to ask her guests to dress in all-white formal attire. I told her that if she did that, we wouldn't be able to come.
Now, I have cocktail and formal clothing, but not in all-white. My husband likes black and doesn’t even own a white shirt! That meant a new suit and shoes for him, a new evening gown for me. If I could afford this I could've been her bridesmaid.
I did make an effort, though. I called men's formalwear shops and renting a white suit for him would cost around $75. I looked at consignment stores for an evening gown and the only all-white long dresses WERE wedding gowns.
Her mom and sister tried to talk her out of this. Her mom thought (and I agree) that requiring a particular color isn't a fair ask unless a person is in the wedding party. My husband said he'd just stay home and let me go. I sew, and making a simple long dress wouldn't bust our budget. My Friend The Bride told me I was a terrible friend, not to bother, and ended our friendship.
I'm still friends with her mother and sister. Her mother was mortified about this and apologized. Of course it's not their fault. Her sister told me her wedding photos look like disembodied heads floating in a white sea.
I don't have issues with Her Wedding/Her Rules, but brides should be prepared to get declines if her rules result in impractical expenses to her guests. She ended our entire friendship over it. All the years meant nothing against ONE DAY of it. THAT is a shame.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
The only wedding I ever intend to have to save a YEAR for is my own.
NTA. Its an invitation not a summons. Its a bit much for the wedding to dictate a single colour to guests but if that's what they want to do, they need to accept that some people won't attend.
People calling OP the AH have never lived on a fixed income. A formal dress on consignment or thrifted would be $25-30+ and that’s a big deal to many people. Especially something that would be worn once.
OP has a point, if it's your second wedding and you pushed the boat out the first time, you're taking the piss expecting people to spend up big for the second, unless of course they can afford it.
If you have a friend on disability, there's no way it's reasonable to expect them to save up to spend money on something they'll likely never wear again. Simple as that. If you're that desperate for them to be there and you know money is tight, you pay.
There has been times where I've had to pick between having enough food to eat and driving to work or having enough food and walking. And it wasn't a short walk. People calling oop an ah for not wanting to spend money they don't have, have never been poor or on fixed income.