Over the weekend, I (27f) went over to my friend's (28m) little get-together. there was only like 10 people total. at one point I stepped outside to smoke and to just be alone. and a dude (30s?) that I just met the same night also comes out. we were chatting, trying to be quiet as to not disturb the neighbours since at this point it was 1 am.
but then he just starts laying it on me, talking about how much his life sucks and that it's good to be around people. I was just stuck awkwardly listening to him and giving him generic answers like "ah yea that sucks" or things along those lines.
but he kept at it, then started saying creepy things like "I hadn't been with a woman in 5 years" and even told me his kid was aborted because the ex didn't want to have his baby?? like bruh... I don't need to know this info.
I finally got up and said I was going back inside, and he tried to stop me and said "I thought we were having a nice conversation, kinda hard to talk inside" and i look at him and said,
"Dude, i'm not a therapist, I just came out to see my friend (the host) - like I get you're having a rough go at it, but honestly - I kinda see why girls don't want to be around you if this is what you talk about on the first meeting, nice meeting you tho" and then I went inside.
He never came back in, so I assumed he just went home. my friend texts me the morning after saying that I shouldn't have said what I said to his friend since he's apparently really bummed out now and asked for my side of the story.
I tell him what was described above and he still says I shouldn't have told him that I didn't have to "knock him down a few pegs" since apparently it took my friend a lot of convincing to get the other dude to come out. wanted some outside perspective here, AITA?
hello_friendss said:
NTA. As a female you know what is best for your safety and security. It sounds like you were getting creepy vibes and you deliberately laid it into him so that there is no misunderstanding from you that you are not interested in engaging him in any capacity. You may had come out as harsh but at least he knows where you stand. Women got to be proactive with their safety.
OP responded:
yea his general demeanor, especially when inching closer to my when talking about relationships just shot off so many signals that I probably smoke the joint way too fast so that I can just leave the conversation.
which I honestly don't really know how to deal with as I generally only deal with other females (I'm a lesbian) and usually when guys "hit on me" I'm straight-up oblivious to it, but for him, my whole body was like "yo, get out fast"
sqitten said:
NTA His behavior was cruel. He was manipulating social etiquette to put you into an uncomfortable situation. You refused to put up with that... after humoring him for a while. He needs to learn to treat other people better, even if he's having a tough time of things. You also were helpful in pointing out that he should be unloading these things to a therapist.
OP responded:
I love my therapist, is a very good investment. but maybe I came off too strong with my wording, which is why I'm here, I'm sure to also talk about this to my therapist during our next session.
Infin8Player said:
NTA. You're friend gave you the "you should have been nice" lecture? Does he even know how many women find themselves in really terrible situations because of society's expectations they should be "nice" even when facing creeps?
PeteyPorkchops said:
NTA. It’s weird and it puts you in an uncomfortable position. You wouldn’t have had to tell him all that if he hadn’t stopped you trying to go back in. You’re not a therapist, or an emotional support person, you’re a stranger and it’s uncomfortable and unfair to be locked into talking to a person that makes you uncomfortable just to spare their feelings. Your “friend” needs to get a grip.
OP responded:
like, I get that he (my friends friend) is having a rough go at it - but yes I feel that it was unfair (and weird) to put that on me when I just met him the same night, and in total only said under 10 words to him since I got to my friends. especially when he started talking about relationships like what?? i'm just drunk, kinda a buzz kill at the moment man.
RetiredAerospaceVP said:
NTA. His type does this all the time. You owed him nothing.
And OP responded:
maybe I don't chat with enough guys, but is this really a type of person? are there dudes out there who just unload like that? What's the end goal? sympathy bangs? well haha tricks on them, I'm a lesbian so that wouldn't work.
thank you everyone for your comments! sorry that I had stopped replying but I had prior commitments and couldn't be reading through all the comments, but just wanted to again thank everyone, this had been weighing on my mind since the party.
my friend (the host) actually found this post, and it's pretty evident that it was me and I forgot that he was originally the one that introduced me to this sub, and you all also knocked some sense into him and he called me up to apologize.
we talked it out and he apparently didn't know the extent of what his friend was talking about, since I gave a very short form of the post through a text message. (as i felt that it wasn't my place to go into detail about his friend's romantic life)
just wanted to say thank you again for all your responses <3