Abandoned son destroys stepmom's dream of happy blended family. 'You're not my family.' AITA?
"AITA for telling my absent father's wife I'm never going to be interested in a relationship with her or her children regardless of if she has some with my father or not?"
My parents were never seriously together and my father was in and out of my life as a kid. When I (20m) was 7 my mom died unexpectedly and my father automatically became my custodial parent and that lasted for 20 hours before he dropped me off at my maternal grandparents house.
They sued for child support and he sued for visitation rights and he was in and out just as much as before and he wasn't paying child support like he was supposed to. I could go more than a year without seeing him and then he'd take a weekend and/or maybe a week in the summer.
Sometimes he took me and left me with others and went out with friends or kept doing his own thing. By the time I was 15 he was different but still absent from my life largely. But he was more put together, was holding down a steady job and had become much more serious.
When I was 17 I found out he got married and that summer he forced me to spend two weeks with him and his wife and her kids (his step kids) that summer. His wife and her kids were so eager to meet me and the kids were talking like I was their brother and his wife was acting like she was about to be my stepmom.
I spent the two weeks avoiding them. It was actually meant to be a month I spent with them but the kids kept getting upset that I was refusing to spend time with them and his wife was asking questions about why I was so unwilling to spend any time with "the family" or get to know her and the kids.
She even wondered why me and my father weren't spending time together. I didn't answer any since she was asking my father but I think he found it easier to let me go home.
That's the last time I saw or spoke to my father. It's the only time I saw her and her kids. But she did reach out to me recently and I answered her call which is what brings us here.
After that summer I did get invites to the kids' birthday parties, invites for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I got birthday cards and Christmas cards and gift cards as gifts. I know they have to be from her because of the handwriting but I always ignored what I got.
So like I said she called and asked if we could talk. She said she only found out after I left what had happened between my father and me. She had been told by him that he moved around a lot because of his old job and I wanted to stay in one place and that he saw me every month without fail and all this other stuff.
She thought we had a good relationship and that I was excited to be a big brother and to have another mom figure in my life. She told me something about being pregnant. But I can't remember if she meant they were trying to get pregnant, she was pregnant or had been.
She talked about wanting me to know the kids and to have a relationship. She said it didn't have to be a responsibility for me but just a way to have more family and for her kids to have the older brother they were hyped up to have. And that she would happily pay for food of my choice if I wanted to spend time with them somewhere public.
She was throwing out a lot of ideas and she was really trying to win me over. But I told her I wasn't interested and I'm never going to be interested regardless of whether she has kids with my father or not. I told her I don't consider him my family and I have nothing to do with that side at all and it's just never going to hold any interest for me.
She asked me to reconsider but I hung up because she was ready to fight for this. A week later she sent a letter to my grandparents house where she basically told me to consider the kids and how much it hurts to be rejected and that I could stop this from happening. It was like 5 pages long and I skimmed the first page and a half maybe. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
My view is that you should send her a letter saying that you thank her for trying and that she is clearly a good person. Say that you can see that she has made a positive influence on your Father, but none of that makes up for his abject failure and irresponsible behaviour throughout your entire childhood.
Wish her well and send hopes that your Father is better with any future children than he was with you and ask that neither of them contact you again as the sight of what they have together only shows what you missed out on.
I think this is the best way to move forward, because she does not sound horrid, or pushy, just hopeful for the future. Best to set her straight with what actually happened so she truly understands why you do not want any contact.
Sensitive-Ask-6429 (OP)
She already understands everything that happened. She brought it up when we talked. But she's still looking for some kind of hope that I'll want to know her kids and her because her kids were led to believe I would be their brother.
A week later she sent a letter to my grandparents house where she basically told me… how much it hurts to be rejected. Sounds like you already know how much it hurts to be rejected.
I'm sorry your Dad was a dead beat. Your step mom doesn't understand how delinquent he was, it's probably beyond her comprehension that anyone would treat a child the way he treated you. Cutting him off is self defence, and cutting him off means cutting her off as well. I hope your relationship with your grandparents is good.
Sensitive-Ask-6429 (OP)
My relationship with my grandparents is solid. I still live nearby for college so we see each other all the time still. And during holidays I'm home with them.
NTA. Its your life and you can choose who you associate with. Looking at this from the outside, its crazy to me that she would push so hard on her kids behalf. Say she wears you down: now she has a personal coming around because she made them feel guilty. Great base for a relationship. If the kids want a relationship with you, they can reach out to you when they’re old enough to do so on their own.