'AITA for telling my adult children that I will no longer be cooking dinner for them?'
"AITA for telling my adult children that I will no longer be cooking dinner for them?"
Frosty-Resolution242
Background: My husband and I have 3 kids; two adults (early 20’s) and 1 middle schooler. 1 of the older kids doesn’t have a steady job (doordashes when he needs some cash) and mostly stays the night at his girlfriends apartment but comes home to shower, do laundry, and sometimes eat dinner - but it’s never consistent, depends on when his girlfriend is working.
The other works a full time job and also picks up a lot of OT at night (sometimes even overnights), and he doesn’t share his work schedule with us so we never know when he’s going to be home for dinner or not.
As everyone knows; groceries have gotten more expensive. For the last year I had been making enough food for everyone but 80% of the time we end up with leftovers.
I try to do my best to eat them so they don’t go to waste, but I don’t eat very much in general due to medical issues and to be honest, I don’t always want to eat leftovers.
Sometimes I just want some soup or a grilled cheese. My husband hates leftovers and won’t take them to work - so more often than not I’m throwing away probably $75 worth of food every week.
We tried to compromise with the kids by telling them they need to let us know when they’d be eating at home - but the past 6 months they will either tell us literally while I’m cooking so I didn’t have enough prepared since they didn’t say anything earlier in the day when I pulled stuff out of the freezer, or I’ll make enough for them and they’ll change their mind.
I’ve also been experiencing severe burnout from working a full time job and doing 90% of the household work, so I’ve just stopped cooking every night and we have a lot of “fend for yourself” nights.
Our youngest is at the age where he can make a good amount of things with supervision and I always make sure we have bread and deli meat and frozen chicken strips (breaded and grilled) and burger patties and other odds and ends, so there is plenty of opportunity to make a meal themselves.
The other night was a fend for yourself night and one of the kids got passive aggressive about me not cooking a meal (he didn’t even say he’d be home for dinner either) and at this point I told my husband that I’m just done in general with cooking for the older kids.
We told them if I make something that is normally a group type meal (pasta, hot dogs, pot roast, etc.) and there’s enough they are more than welcome to eat it. But I will no longer be buying enough individual meats for 5 people (especially because they are big men and never eat just 1 piece when they do have dinner so I’m usually cooking 8 pieces) and I will no longer be cooking meals to their preferences.
They are adults. They pay no rent. They pay nothing towards groceries. Trying to get them to clean up after themselves is a chore by itself, they’re just not helping out in any way but expect to be provided full meals.
I feel taken advantage of and I’m done with this. So from now on the expectation should be that they need to figure out dinner on their own and if they happen to come home to extra food then it’s a bonus for them.
My husband agrees, but the kids are angry and my MIL thinks that it’s our responsibility to feed them as long as they are under our roof. This has just compounded my stress and I’m about ready to just move out myself at this point. I’m just tired. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
New_Day684
NTA send them to your MIL. She doesn’t mind feeding grown men or her time and money.
Kittytigris
They’re adults. They should be able to fend for themselves and cook their own dinner. My mom has a rule, if you want dinner, you have to let her know by 4 PM because that’s when she starts cooking dinner. If you don’t bother to let her know, it’s not her problem and you can get takeout or make your own or if you’re lucky, there’s enough for you.
Oddly-Appeased
I agree completely, if they can’t even bother to clean up after themselves they can start now or MIL can do it for them. Personally I was always of the attitude that once my kids graduated high school they either continued their education, got a job and started paying rent or moved out. Luckily mine wanted to move out on their own fairly soon after graduation. NTA.
Cinemaphreak
"my husband hates leftovers and won’t take them to work"
Sounds like you have 4 kids.
"doing 90% of the household work"
Time to tell the two "adult" children your maid days are over. If they pay no rent (and we can assume don't pay utilities either), then they should be doing 90% of the housework. If not, point to the door.
ladymorgana01
Also, why is your husband not doing any of the household duties? He lives there.
Frosty-Resolution242 (OP)
That’s a whole other issue that we are actively working through. He is slowly getting better, but it’s quickly approaching a too little too late situation.
Responsible-Skin3917
you’re setting healthy boundaries for yourself and your family. Sometimes, it’s important to prioritize your own well-being and make adjustments to manage stress. If the kids are old enough to be independent, they should understand and respect your decision.
susanbarron33
NTA but it seems you had babied them for too long. Now you need them to grow up. You need to sit them down and make clear what needs to be done. When my siblings and I became adults we got the if you don’t like it then get out speech. It seems harsh but we learned responsibility and helped out at home.