'AITA for telling my aunt that finding my birth parents won't make her bio son search for her?'
"AITA for telling my aunt that finding my birth parents won't make her bio son search for her?"
Complete-Clothes1390
I'm (24f) an adoptee and I have never ever wanted to search for my birth parents or any birth family. I'm happy with the family I was raised in, I did some genetic testing to get a better idea of risk factors so I don't need my birth family for that kind of thing and generally I don't feel any curiosity about the people I'm genetically related to.
I'm also really happy with my life and I'm not feeling anything missing.
Something could change in the future but I have never felt any other way about this.
My mom's oldest sister aka aunt from the title, placed her son for adoption 38 years ago. She was young and she felt like she had no choices at the time. But she has always wished she hadn't given him up, she tried to get him back a couple of months after he was adopted.
She has tried searching for him a few times, but it seems like he never looked for her and so she hasn't found him.
It's a grief she still carries around almost 40 years later.
I think my aunt's experience has given her this warped idea that if I were to search for my birth family and show an interest in meeting and being part of my birth family, her son will do the same. She has encouraged me to be more curious about my birth family for years now.
Since I was a teenager and I never cared. She told me, not asked or suggested, but told me I should look for my birth parents. I told her I didn't want to and she told me I didn't know what I was saying.
She has used guilt trips about my birth parents missing me and about the family I could be missing out on. But I was clear I don't care. My mom spoke to her several times and told her to get help and stop dragging me into her grief. She refuses to leave it alone.
She has asked me why I have no interest and I have told her how I feel. She has really tried to make me say I'm somewhat curious but I'm just not. And then we had an incident the other week. She mentioned it for the millionth time and I tried to ignore her and carry on other conversations but she kept bringing it up, and bringing it up.
She was asked to stop by my mom and other family members and finally I got so tired of her pressing the issue that I told her finding my birth parents won't make her son search for her and she needs to stop linking those things because she's setting herself up for more heartache. My aunt called me callous to her experience and feelings. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Auntie-Mam69
NTA. You really cannot be too harsh (editing here to clarify that I meant that any level of harsh response from OP is justified) w your aunt at this point. You’ve every right to go completely no contact w her and the entire family needs to back you up.
If she does both Ancestry and 23 & Me testing and makes her results public, her son can find her if he wants. But she’s so desperate she’s gonna need therapy regardless or she’ll drive him away the minute he meets her.
The OP responded here:
Complete-Clothes1390
She's done those and she keeps waiting for a match to him but it never came.
hurtmewithwords
NTA - and as someone who was adopted by a loving family, it sounds like your aunt did the right thing by giving her baby up for adoption. No one wants to be raised by an emotionally immature mother who cannot deal with her own feelings.
And frankly, that sounds like who she would be as a parent based on how she couldn't respect you or your parent's boundaries regarding discussing your birth parents. Some people have no business being a parent. Your aunt is one of those people, most likely.
Beneficial_Local1012
NTA. Your aunt needs therapy to learn to deal with her grief and maybe some hard truth will make her see that. Even if it doesn't, she needs to learn that she can't project her issues onto you and maybe being harsh with her will do that. Also, tell her the only person being callous is the one that won't stop bringing it up, because she certainly hasn't shown any interest in YOUR feelings and experience.
Cursd818
NTA. She is the one being callous to your feelings and experience. What you do with your life and who you consider your family is only up to you. Tell her that the next time she forces her feelings onto you will be the last time you speak to her for a month, and double the time out every subsequent time. She needs therapy. You are not a puppet to live out her fantasy with.
The OP again responded here:
Complete-Clothes1390
I might not even put a time limit on it and just say the next time she brings it up I won't speak to her until therapy happens. It feels like we'll just keep repeating the same shit otherwise. Maybe mom doing it too will make more of a difference.
First-Industry4762
NTA, perhaps it would be callous if this was the first time she mentioned it and that was your reply. But you have told her off many times, so has your mom, and so have other family members and she's still needling you. It's high time this gets through so yeah no blame on you if you get more blunt.
Natural_Garbage7674
NTA. What's the saying? "Misery loves company"?
She is incapable of letting you be happy with what you have because she isn't happy with what she has.
Make it clear to your family that you understand she has regrets, and you feel for her sorrow, but you can't deal with her anymore. She's making you miserable because she's making you feel like a bad person for loving and being loved by your family. And that you think she needs professional help to deal with her grief, not treat you as some kind of totem for her son.