Man refuses best man role, says groom’s treatment of fiancée is 'downright cruel.' AITA?
"AITA for Telling My Best Friend That I Don’t Want to Be His Best Man Because of How He Treats His Fiancée?"
Acceptable-Box2869
I (28M) have been best friends with “Jake” (29M) for over a decade. We’ve been through a lot together, and I was genuinely excited when he told me that he was planning to propose to his girlfriend “Emma” (27F).
I’ve always liked Emma; she’s kind, smart, and a genuinely good person. They’ve been together for about three years, and from the outside, everything seemed fine. When Jake asked me to be his best man, I immediately said yes. But as the months have gone by, I’ve started to notice some things that make me question if I can stand by his side on the wedding day.
Jake has always had a bit of a controlling streak, but it’s become more obvious in his relationship with Emma. He constantly talks down to her in public, belittles her ideas, and dismisses her opinions as “naive” or “silly.”
I’ve seen him criticize her appearance, her job, and even her hobbies. It makes me uncomfortable, but I always figured it wasn’t my place to interfere in their relationship. After all, everyone has flaws, right? But recently, I witnessed something that made me realize how bad things really are.
A few weeks ago, we were all hanging out at a party when Emma accidentally spilled a drink on Jake’s shirt. Instead of laughing it off like anyone would, Jake exploded at her in front of everyone, calling her “stupid” and “useless.”
Emma was visibly shaken and apologized repeatedly, but Jake just kept going, berating her for what seemed like forever. I was in shock, and I could see that the other people at the party were uncomfortable too.
Afterward, Emma quietly left the party without Jake, and he didn’t seem to care at all. That night, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was enabling Jake’s behavior by standing by and doing nothing.
I’ve tried talking to him in the past about how he treats Emma, but he always brushes it off as “just joking” or says she’s “too sensitive.” But this was different. This wasn’t a joke. It was downright cruel. I decided that I couldn’t, in good conscience, be part of their wedding knowing how Jake treats her.
I called Jake a few days later and told him I didn’t want to be his best man anymore. When he asked why, I was honest. I told him that I don’t agree with the way he treats Emma, and I didn’t feel right standing by his side when I feel like he’s mistreating someone he’s supposed to love.
Jake was furious. He accused me of being self-righteous and said I was ruining his wedding. He also said that Emma was fine with how things were and that it wasn’t my business to interfere.
Now, Jake’s been telling our mutual friends that I “betrayed” him and that I’m overreacting. Some of them agree with him, saying I should just let it go because it’s his relationship, not mine.
Others have said they’ve noticed the same behavior and think I did the right thing. Emma hasn’t said anything to me directly, but I wonder if she’s upset that I’m stepping back from the wedding.
So, AITA for refusing to be my best friend’s best man because of how he treats his fiancée? Should I have just sucked it up and stayed quiet, or was I right to stand up for what I believe is wrong?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
curly_lovelyn
NTA. It's admirable that you're prioritizing your values and standing up for what you believe is right, even if it means having a difficult conversation with your best friend.
Tight-Shift5706
I agree with curly, OP! Your common decency and respect obviously influenced your decision; traits Jake obviously fails to possess. I hope Emma awakens and dumps him. She deserves someone more like you...
Mysterious-Zebra-399
Keep being one of the good ones! Men need to hold their mates accountable, this was unacceptable behaviour and you are a good person for standing up for Emma. Bless!
The_Hermit_09
Have you said anything infront of Emma or to her about how Jake treats her? If she doesn't see anyone supporting her she may think everyone agrees with Jake and the way she is being treated. I doubt Jake will tell her you backed out of the wedding because of how bad Jake treats her.
forgeris
NTA, they are grown adults and can do whatever they want but you are also an adult and can do whatever you want and have your own opinion, so if your "friend" makes you uncomfortable by how he treats his fiance then just remove yourself, sad that Emma doesn't see the problem with his behavior but she will not have a happy life with such man.
Strange-Area9624
Men need to hold other men accountable for mistreating women. You are doing that. The friends who don’t agree are the problem. Not you. By not tolerating his abhorrent behavior, you are also sending a message to Emma that his treatment of her is not ok. That may cause her to rethink spending part of her life with such an abusive person.
likeahike
NTA, but please contact Emma to let her know what you've seen and that this behavior is not OK. She needs someone in her corner. This is abuse and she needs help.
Hello-from-Mars128
NTA. My first thoughts is your friend going to turn abusive towards his fiancée after they are married. I hope Emma has someone to call if this turns ugly.
Ok_Reach_6527
NTA. If you don't feel comfortable contacting Emma directly, have a common friend contact her to make sure she knows why you stepped out instead of Jake's spin on it, and to ask her if she is upset at your actions.