Woman questions rapid romance as best friend's controlling boyfriend isolates her more and more. AITA?
"AITA for telling my best friend that I think her new boyfriend is a controlling narcissist?"
Justanothergirl831
My friend (27F) started dating a guy (31M) about 6 weeks ago after knowing him for only 2 weeks. Within days, they were saying “I love you” and calling each other “husband/wife.”
They’re already looking at apartments together. It felt rushed, but she insisted he was the best thing that’s ever happened to her and had helped her heal from past trauma. I expressed concerns about the speed, but she resisted, so I dropped it.
Things started to get weird. I know almost nothing about her boyfriend. He dodges simple questions like “What do you do?” or “Who are your friends?” with vague replies like, “I do many things” and changes the subject.
He’s focused on becoming a spiritual therapist and constantly analyzes everyone, telling them they’re “not healed.” At first, I let it slide since my friend seemed happy, but I became concerned when I noticed signs of control.
For context, my friend was staying at my boyfriend’s house (a mutual close friend) temporarily after breaking up with her ex. We were out of town when her new boyfriend moved himself in without asking, making my boyfriend’s younger siblings uncomfortable. My friend wasn’t even supposed to live there long-term, but it was an emergency.
When we returned, I asked her to have her boyfriend leave before her ex showed up, as he was going through a rough time after losing his job. She agreed, but her boyfriend refused, claiming I was being deceptive by not informing her ex.
That night, I came home to find her ex sobbing because my friend had texted him about her new relationship despite my request not to. I believe she was pressured into sending that message.
Her boyfriend convinced her she didn’t “owe him anything” and accused her of “hiding” their relationship. I confronted her about how this hurt me, but she hasn’t responded and has been avoiding me for almost a week while she’s away with him, meeting his mom.
Another red flag: My boyfriend and my friend have been close friends for 10 years. Her boyfriend recently told mine that if he wants to talk to her, he has to go through him.
He’s convinced her that men and women can’t be just friends because the man will always sexualize the woman. Now, she’s talking to my boyfriend less and distancing herself from other male friends, believing she should only have a close relationship with her boyfriend.
I dated a narcissist for years and recognize similar red flags: love-bombing, isolation, and control. AITA for communicating these worries to her while she’s in her honeymoon stage? I haven’t yet but I want to.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
osilkypearl
NTA your concerns seem valid. You know how dangerous this situation can be. But maybe back off a little for now. She might be too high on the love to really see it. Just keep an eye on it and be there for her if things go south.
lmmontes
This is a hard one. She's going to be afraid of losing what she's feeling in this honeymoon phase. Proceed with caution. But I hope you all got this new AH out of the house!
Ok-Position7403
NTA at all! Yes he sounds- well you are very right to be concerned. But having expressed your concern, now there is not much you can do except tell your boyfriend to tell new boyfriend to Get Out now!!! The nerve!!!!
All you can do in a situation like this is try to keep her close if you can. Let her know that no matter what happens she can come to you and you will help her and not say I Told You So. Because she is not headed anywhere good with him. Have you googled him? Being so evasive about what he does is weird. Hopefully there's a warrant out for him and you can turn him in.
Sorry OP. Been there, and it's tough to navigate. Set and keep your boundaries with him but try your best to keep being a safe place for her. You are a good friend and the farthest thing from an AH that it's possible to be.
Ok_Conversation9750
You're NTA and are concerned for your friend, but the more you are against him, the more she will defend him. She will need to see for herself how his behavior is becoming controlling before she will be willing to make a break. Let her know you are there for her, but don't support their relationship.
Individual_Ad_9213
NTA. I doubt, seriously, that your warnings will have much of an impact on her. Maybe if a group of you did an intervention, she might listen. But you alone, I think that she'll sooner jettison the friendship than split up with her bf.
Grand_Extension_6437
I would focus on her decisions and choices and not the dude. Your friend sounds like she has issues if she's got no stable living situation and allowing him to poach on her people's kindness. Stay focused on what you've already confronted her about. Adding extra details and facts can sometimes cloud the issues.
If she is that avoidant and delusional, there isn't much you can do. She has repeatedly demonstrated that she doesn't care who she hurts in order to maintain her emotional high and fantasy for the future and you need to finish processing that before deciding your next move.
Good luck. Please remember she is actively choosing to hurt people who care about her and be careful in your thinking to not reduce her power as an extension of this nutjob as she is already fully bought in on that herself.
xlushpearlo
NTA. Its hard to watch a friend get drawn into a relatioship that feels unhealthy. Trust your instincts, but give her space too. She might need time to process all this. Be ready when she is.