'AITA for telling my best friend that her mother wants to throw her a surprise baby shower?'
"AITA for telling my best friend that her mother wants to throw her a surprise baby shower?"
So my best friend "E" just found out she's pregnant. They were trying for a while and she is over the moon. We're already talking about her shower. So anyway her mom calls me and is demanding to throw the shower.
Now, I would have no issue with this, but E has specifically said she wants it at my house because there's space and she wants me to plan it. Her mom kept pushing to do it so I said I it's E's party not mine and to ask her. Then her mom kept saying she wants it to be a surprise.
When I tell you E would be freaking livid about a surprise baby shower, I'm not joking. She needs to be prepared for social things and would pretend to enjoy it. Her mom kept pushing and saying she knows her daughter and this is what she would want.
I pushed back but she got annoyed and wouldn't stop. So I just sort of said...okay? I'm not gonna lie we're all scared of her mother lol. So I called E and said why don't we have the shower at your mom's house? She really wants to throw it. So E said there isn't space at her house.
I told her that I genuinely want to throw it, but it means a lot to her mom. So she called her mom and said, "I appreciate that you want to throw me a shower, but there's more space at (me)'s house." Her mom threw a fit.
Told E that she doesn't appreciate anything she does for her and other unkind things. I texted her mom and apologized. I wasn't trying to start anything. Her mother was a colossal b to me. Said I was two-faced, controlling, that I wanted everything to go my way.
I still responded nicely because she's older than me and told her it's just a party and I have no stake in it, but I'm sorry that I upset her. She got even ruder and said she didn't give a shit about my opinion. So I shut her down and said verbatim, "I understand that you are upset, but this is a nonissue for me." Context on why her baby shower is a big deal:
Her wedding was a disaster. Her (SIX) sister-in-laws showed up to the wedding in basically wedding dresses just in blue. Everything she had picked out for the wedding was changed behind her back because his family was paying for the wedding.
They literally made her cry 3-4 times at this wedding. So I had promised her that I would throw her a mega baby shower to make up for it. I don't think she's moved on from the trauma that was the wedding.
Her mom is going around telling people how I'm sneaky and went behind her back to get what I want. I apologized like 4-5 times (even though I really don't feel like I owe her that much of an apology but whatever). E said she doesn't even want a shower anymore and cried. Her mother told her that if I throw the party, she's not coming. I don't even understand why her mom made this a thing so early.
So now I feel like sh%^. I really didn't intend to start drama at all, and me and her mom had a good relationship before this. E says I'm not in the wrong and my husband told me he doesn't even want E's mother in our house after this, but I feel really bad. AITA?
EDIT:
Talk to my mom. She was a little harsh but said I was right to tell E. She said I shouldn’t have said more to her mom when she kept pushing. Should have gotten off the phone before it reached that point and that I gave E’s mom the space to disrespect me and that was my choice to allow it.
She also said that this isn’t about the shower anymore and she will tell E herself that she needs to stop catering to her mother now that she’s about to be the mother. Thanks everyone!
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Quiet_Ninja_7440 said:
NTA but I would throw her a baby shower (with her permission) sooner rather than later because I would expect the mom to try to throw a surprise one anyway even though E protests.
CuriousTiktaalik said:
NTA. I don't get why you're apologizing. You tried to reconcile E's plans with her mom's, but her mom can't be reasoned with. Your concern for your friend is admirable. This poor woman just seems to get shoved around by everybody. I hope you are able to support her in finally getting a party on her own terms, even if her mother and other difficult people aren't there.
RoyallyOakie said:
NTA...your friend needs to learn to set boundaries or her mother and in-laws will take over every major event in her life. Stop being overly afraid and overly respectful. You're an adult being mistreated by another adult. Respond to her mother like you would anyone else acting like that.
Strong_Storm_2167 said:
Throw a shower with all her friends. Let her mother throw her own shower with her relatives. She will have more fun at the one you hold. And do it sooner rather than later so it cheers her up. NTA.
3bag said:
Stop apologizing to this monster! You're doing the right thing for your friend. Anyone who knows mother will understand what she's like. NTA.
Infinitecurlieq said:
NTA. Why do you feel like crap and apologizing? You didn't do anything wrong. E needs to learn how to put her foot down with her mom and get to a place where she feels comfortable going low or no contact with them but that's not on you.