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'AITA for telling my (32F) best friend (32F) that her dating standards are unrealistic?'

'AITA for telling my (32F) best friend (32F) that her dating standards are unrealistic?'

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"AITA for telling my (32F) best friend (32F) that her dating standards are unrealistic?"

My best friend—let's call her "Elle"—and I have been close for 10ish years, and during that time, she's been in a couple of relationships but has been single for a few years now. Amongst our friends, Elle is the only unmarried one.

She's made it clear that she's unhappy with being single, sincerely hopes to get into a serious relationship, and get married sooner rather than later. I can understand her frustrations, especially since she's the only single friend, wants kids someday, and so on.

About a month ago, Elle told me that she intends to be more proactive with dating this year and asked if I had anyone to introduce her to. Unfortunately, I don't, but another friend mentioned knowing a great guy (who I happen to have met before) who's single, and looking for something serious.

Elle was introduced (via text) to the guy, and they soon started talking on the phone. Elle says he has a lot of "good attributes" (e.g. very educated, high salary) but she finds him completely unattractive because they're the same height (he's 5'7" and she's 5'7") and because of his darker skin tone.

I tried to convince her that his height and looks shouldn't take precedence over his personality, but this soon led to a major revelation on her dating standards that left me completely dumbfounded.

Elle told me that she's only interested in men who, in her words, is an "8 or better" (looks-wise), taller than her when she's wearing heels, of a certain complexion, ideally no beard, has advanced degrees, making over $100k/year, doesn't have kids, and is currently attending church every week or every other week.

But the big kicker that got me was that she insists that she's unwilling to date a man (like...go out on dates) who won't commit to waiting until marriage for relations. Yes, she's religious but she's not a virign and has had sex in all past relationships.

According to Elle, this is a conversation that should be had before even the first date, and if the guy isn't firmly agreeing, it's a no-go. When I challenged her thoughts and logic on this, she got increasingly upset.

I told her that I think she's asking for a very tall order, making "dating" harder than it should be. I'm not saying she should compromise on her religious values. But, I am trying to tell her that she should be more open-minded about her criteria.

That is also because she's looking for a one in a million guy, while also prematurely shutting down and shutting out some potentially great guys because of their income and/or height.

Elle is now furious at me and says I'm not being a supportive friend. She says that I don't understand her faith and am being something of a Debbie Downer. AITA?

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:

NTA. Her criteria are unrealistic, but there's no use in telling her that. I'd say if she's serious about "waiting for marriage" then she needs to drop ALL the other criteria and only talk to men AT church. If she's using it as a filter tool, it's set too high.

My wife and I met on Match back in 2007. We were both divorced parents. On the second date, she explained her "6th date rule." I had no problem with that. We hit it off obviously, and by Date 4 we were re-categorizing "visits" as "dates."

Later she told me about her "year of first dates" where she went on a bunch of first dates with guys who she either wasn't interested in, or who lost interest in her over the 6th date rule.

(OP)

I asked her why she isn't looking for prospects at church, and she said all the men at church are already paired off. shrugs

NTA. Just nod and smile at her and reassure her with "I have NO IDEA why you're still single!!"

NTA. I'm a man, a regular dude. I pay for all my own stuff, support my family, and generally try to treat everyone I meet with respect and dignity. She is asking too much. Her standards are astronomically high.

Her dating pool my be 1% of men in the US alone. In your area it could be 0.01% of men. She's simply not going to find what she's looking for. Period. If she doesn't alter her high standards, she will live her life alone and be miserable.

NTA. How shallow of her. Oh, and racist. And with ridiculous height standards. She's awful.

NTA. The intimacy part is honestly none of your business. Maybe she takes her religion more seriously now than she did in the past? That's fine, she's allowed to believe something difference now than before, it just means she should be looking for men who openly follow that religion. If that were her main requirement, it would be a NAH judgement.

But for all the other stuff... there's no 'religious' reason for being shallow and racist. What happens if she finds her dream guy, but develops a chronic illness that causes him to gain a lot of weight? Loses his job due to the company selling?

Is in an accident that scars/disables him? Will he still be her 'dream' man? Heaven forbid something happen to her and she no longer meets his standards. She doesn't sound ready for marriage with criteria that shallow.

NTA. She might as well become a nun and join a convent because she's never going to find a guy with all of these crazy standards and requirements.

txwildflowers

NTA. Let her be alone. I’ve had to have similar conversations with my single friends who constantly vent about not being able to find someone. I think that out of all standards, looks should be on the bottom of the list. Moral/world view standards are another thing. But I simply will not listen to someone whine about being single when all they ever go for is the same standard issue frat boy/sorority girl type.

I tried to set up a friend with a great guy who she actually had a lot in common with, but because he wasn’t a 6’3” white guy with a popped collar she wasn’t into it. Oh well. I don’t expend my effort helping her date anymore and she knows damn well what my input will be if she complains, so she doesn’t anymore.

I also used to work with a guy, we would go out dancing sometimes and he would either refuse to ask girls he was into to dance, or he shot down everyone I pointed out who wasn’t petite and blonde. Again, oh well. I have so little patience for people who complain about the same problems all the time but refuse to make any changes.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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