'AITA for telling my best friend that she's really privileged?' 'Her problems are her own fault.'
"AITA for telling my best friend that she's really privileged and her problems are her own fault?"
I've been trying to be supportive and give some non-pushy advice when she seems to want it, but she seems determined to ruin her own life. We're both 23 if that matters. I know she was sheltered, and I know she's gone through some terrible situations in life, but she's really protected in a way I wouldn't be if I was in the same circumstances.
She keeps making these really awful decisions, and I know that she needs to vent sometimes, but it's really frustrating when she doesn't seem to be making any effort to improve anything she's constantly complaining about. As some examples:
She just lost out on a job offer because she showed up 20 minutes late, then she complained to me about how bad transit was and how much she hates capitalism and how she'll never find a job.
She complains about not being able to find a job, and about how poor she is and how much she needs money, but won't even apply for anything minimum wage or anything that isn't her ideal job.
Her parents are literally sending her rent money, and she keeps complaining to me about how she can't afford fun purchases and how having to pay money for rent is stupid (even though it's not even her money).
She didn't renew her passport until a month before she needs it, and then got frustrated that wait times were over a month. She's got her associates, but she's only 2 classes away from her bachelors, but if it ever comes up she just deflects by saying university is a scam.
I probably shouldn't have, but AITA for telling her her problems were her own fault? It wasn't a nice thing to say, but I was really tired of listening to the same complaints with absolutely no effort to fix them.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
Short-Sleeves said:
NTA. Sounds like it was time for tough love. If all she does is complain, you deserve a better friend anyway.
noorjahan22 said:
NTA. You did her a favor. Life is hard and your twenties are the time to settle into understanding that. She needs to get a minimum wage job, at least. It will teach her to be real and possibly motivate her to finish her degree so she can get a different job. She's not taking responsibility for her life and you told her so. A real friend tells you when you're in the wrong, no matter how hard it is.
RocknRight said:
NTA. You are telling her the truth. And it would do my head in listening to her blame everyone and everything but herself.
Necessary_Device_227 said:
NTA Your friend is a soul sucker. She has no self-awareness. Someone who comes into your life to only complain is toxic. Her woes in life are self based due to her own inaction. You were right to call her out on her behavior.
Does she ever ask how you're doing OP? Or does she automatically begin to complain? If the answer is no, you're her unpaid therapist. Fire her as a friend and get on with your life.
crazyb_2000 said:
NTA. Seems like some tough love is exactly what she needs. Just the other day I told my own best friend: “listen I love you, but you’ve made your bed and now you need to lie in it. I will be with you every step of the way, but I can’t do it for you. The consequences are yours to pay.
I promise you I will be there to listen and guide you every step of the way and I will be right next to you, cheering you on when you make it through, but in order to get there, you have to actually take the steps to fix your problems. They won’t fix themselves and I can’t do it for you.”
Brennan_Boru1031 said:
YTA When people complain or vent, 99% of the time, they just want to be listened to sympathetically. They are not asking for advice or solutions even if it sounds like it and they certainly aren't asking for criticism or to be told it's their fault.
There are times you have to hit someone with a hard truth but as you say, your friend is basically fine, she's just making poor choices, so she's not going to end up in danger. Be a good friend and just listen. This is also how you learn about people and human nature.
She doesn't need to be hit with "this is your fault" - on some level she probably knows it or will learn. It took me a long time to understand people didn't want advice or solutions, they want human contact.