'AITA for telling my BIL that he shouldn't be using me as an example for paternity testing?'
"AITA for telling my BIL that he shouldn't be using me as an example for paternity testing?"
EmbryoThrowRA
I (27F) have been with my husband (31M) for 5 years, married for 3. We have two young children together (2M and 4moF). Before we got married, we signed a prenup, which we both agreed on to protect our assets and ensure our relationship was built on love and not finances (as he makes way more money than I do (think 90k/year vs 500k/year) but I have more pre-marital assets.)
I’m donor-conceived, and I found out a few years ago that I’m a carrier of a genetic disorder due to fertility fraud. The clinic that helped conceive me used a different donor than what my parents had selected, and that donor passed the building blocks of an X-linked genetic disorder.
Because of this, when my husband and I decided to start a family, we chose to use IVF to ensure our children wouldn’t inherit the disorder, which can be deadly. We also opted to have paternity tests done, not because of any doubts about fidelity, but to make sure there was no mix-up with the embryos, given my own history and our mistrust in the fertility industry.
My BIL (husband’s brother) (35M) has very traditional views and is a bit of a conspiracy theorist. Recently, he’s been using our decision to do paternity tests as an example of why all men should demand them, claiming that if women have nothing to hide, they shouldn’t object.
He often says, “Even "EmbryoThrowRA" was ok with it, so why shouldn’t other women be?” He constantly says stuff like this in front of his fiancee. This really bothers me for several reasons.
First, our decision had nothing to do with trust or fidelity; it was about avoiding the kind of fertility fraud that happened to me. Second, I feel like he’s twisting our experience to fit his narrative, which is misleading and unfair.
Third, it's in front of his fiancee and must make her feel awful and that he expects her to cheat. Lastly, I don’t appreciate being used as a pawn in his arguments, especially when it comes to something as personal as our family planning decisions.
I’ve asked him multiple times to stop bringing us up in his conversations, but he just brushes me off and says I’m being too sensitive. My husband supports me, but he thinks I should just ignore his brother, as confronting him might only make things worse.
A few days ago, my BIL brought it up again at a family dinner and made sure to tell his fiancee that she should expect a paternity test to be completed before he even interacts with their future children, and I snapped.
I told him in front of everyone that he needs to stop using me as an example in his arguments, and that our situation is completely different from what he’s talking about. I also said that his insistence on pushing this narrative is disrespectful and hurtful not only to us, but to his fiancee.
He got really upset and accused me of embarrassing him in front of the family. Now, some of my in-laws think I was too harsh and that I should have just ignored him like my husband suggested and avoid rocking the boat. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Tough_Breadfruit_830
Forget that. Act like a monster, get treated like a monster. He sounds like a major one.
Tanja_Christine
NTA Good on you for not allowing your BIL to use you for his controlling behaviour towards his fiancée.
Klutzy-Performance97
He embarrassed himself. You were not harsh at all, and everybody else needs mind their own damn business.
celticmusebooks
When someone makes a one off dumb remark-- maybe you can bite the bullet and take one for the team. HOWEVER when it's a recurring theme you need to shut that down. PERIOD. NTA but I hope your BIL's fiancee got a good hard look at the AH she's marrying.
Good_Ad6336
NTA. Your BIL is talking a big game about paternity testing. What happens if someone from his past turns up with a child he didn’t know about? How can his fiancée 100% trust he hasn’t accidentally fathered a child?
Unless he has deep rooted trauma related to paternity (I.e. he was made to believe he was a father until test proved otherwise) his demand for a paternity test is coming from a toxic and chauvinistic place.
Amazing_Reality2980
NTA "He got really upset and accused me of embarrassing him in front of the family" but he has no problem constantly bringing up your very personal situation and embarrassing you in front of the family. He's a hypocrite as well as just being a complete ah0le.
Fire_or_water_kai
NTA. And seriously, every ah0le who tries to give you crap should go fuck themselves. He's discussing your very personal story and using it to justify his warped ideas. You said absolutely nothing wrong, and I would be seething at someone using my life's story as a way to justify their horrible ideas.
His fiancé is an idiot for staying with him, your husband is a spineless jellyfish for telling you to let it go, instead of telling his brother to stfu. Everyone else enables this man baby with zero regard for a deeply personal and horrible situation that you and your husband navigated with some grace. They're mad because they have to listen to him, not because you said anything wrong. Keep rocking that boat.
Cursd818
NTA. He embarrassed himself because his whole family are cowards who refuse to tell him when he's being an AH. Tell your husband firmly that you will NOT ignore when people use you like that, and you're incredibly disappointed in him for expecting you to, and for not standing up for you himself.
You are not the one rocking the boat, your BIL is. Just because his whole family have oriented their lives around steadying the boat doesn't mean YOU have to.