'AITA for telling my BIL if he wants help, he'll have to be respectful and understanding of others?'
"AITA for telling my BIL if he wants help, he'll have to be respectful and understanding of others?"
My husband’s brother, “Horrace”, was in an accident about a year and a half ago. It lead him to require a lot of physical therapy and he now has limited mobility, requiring either a cane or wheelchair depending on the day. He’s had several surgeries.
That being said, he’s been able to live alone for the past 6 months (previously living in a physical rehab center). He just can’t drive. My husband has been helping him out quite a bit, which I think is good.
The issue we ran into was Horrace was calling him to do things during the day, when my husband was at work. These were all things that could wait, such as trips to the laundromat or market.
My husband has a big heart and initially was leaving work to do this. He has a flexible job but eventually, his boss had a talk with him. When my husband told me, I agreed, and said he needed to lay better boundaries with Horrace.
My husband agreed and I know he’s been getting better at telling his brother “you’ll have to wait”. Which I also know has pissed Horrace off but I tell my husband not to feel bad. He isn’t denying his brother help, he’s just doing it when he can, and again, none of this is pressing.
My husband left on a business 2 weeks ago. I agreed to help Horrace out, but also warned both my husband and Horrace ahead of time: I am also busy, and explained my ways of helping. I will not be at Horrace’s beck and call unless it’s an emergency.
Horrace called me at one point and asked for a ride to the store. I said I couldn’t physically bring him to the store today, as things were busy but I was putting my own grocery order and doing curbside pick-up, so if he wanted to send me his list, or I could even give him my account info for the app and he could add his own stuff to the cart, I had no problem picking it up and bringing it to him.
He started complaining-AGAIN-that he wanted to go and pick out his own things. I told him this is what I could do for him, or he’d have to wait until the following day. He told me to “forget it” and he’d get someone else to bring him.
This was annoying, but I tried to tell myself it has to be hard to lose your independence and be in this position. I’d be patient. When my husband came back, there was more of Horrace whining if someone couldn’t leap to his beck and call.
Then, on Thanksgiving day, my husband had his own medical emergency and was rushed to the hospital. He had to stay for 2 days to recover. Doctors told him he’d have to rest once home.
The day he was being released, Horrace called me for what I assumed was a check-in. I could barely get out that I was on my way to pick him up when Horrace asked if my husband could give him a ride to the laundromat.
I snapped. I told him my husband almost died. He needed to rest. I pointed out my husband constantly worried about his (meaning Horrace’s) health, taking care of him, etc, but all Horrace could think of was himself.
I said no, my husband would be resting. And from here on out, if Horrace wants help, he’ll be respectful, understanding of what other people are going through and not expecting the world to bend to him. I said it must be hard being at the mercy of others, but he doesn’t get to be a jerk. Horrace called me a “controlling witch” and hung up.
My husband is on my side. He says Horrace is ungrateful and once he is better, he’s going to lay down more boundaries. But Horrace turned to the rest of their family, and several people are telling me I was “too hard” on him for “asking a question”.
I flipped it around and asked what if I asked Horrace for a favor a few days after his accident, barely checking on him or his health. They all said that was “different” because my husband’s medical emergency didn’t disable him. AITA?
Edit: He has turned down having a home health aide. His doctors have pushed for it. With his health insurance plus the money he got from the settlement regarding his accident, he can more than afford it. He doesn't want to "have strangers around".
That's also why I have less sympathy for him. There are also free services around town he could use to get to the grocery store and laundromat. The city bus has door to door services for free that he could utilize, as he can get around the store/laundromat just fine and without help, he just needs a ride. He refuses to use that.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
They’re all trash and they can help Horace. You take care of you, because your family doesn’t care.
Yeah, funny how everyone suddenly remembers you exist when they need something. Amazing how quick the tune changes once you stop absorbing the fallout. Their “family emergency” seems pretty selective.
Tell anyone who's saying you were "too harsh" that they can help next time then. Why does it always fall on you guys? As someone who can't drive because of medical crap, I get Horace's frustration. Not being able to get around independently sucks.
But using the people in your life as personal drivers won't fix anything. It's an awful way to behave. When your husband sets up more clear boundaries, if he ignores them, you should revoke your help altogether temporarily. Let him learn his lesson the hard way if he insists.
I'd tell every last one of them that they can now be Horace's help. In fact, I'd tell Horace to call those who told you what he said the next time he needs help. How dare he go behind your backs and complain about you after you've done what you could to accommodate him. Now that I think of it, I'd get my phone out and call each one (merging the calls) so that I was able to tell them all at once.
"Horace's needs are now y'alls responsibility."
I'd be sure to have hubs there saying it so Horace can't make it about you.