'AITA telling my BIL to stop treating my husband like a child?'
"AITA telling my BIL to stop treating my husband like a child?"
So, I (48F), my husband (49M), and my daughter (16F) attended my MIL's birthday party. It was a large family gathering that included FIL, BILs, SILs, uncles, aunts, nephews, and nieces. Now, there's this BIL (54M) whom I shall name as Ken for this purpose, and he happened to be my husband's oldest brother.
The thing about Ken, he has this constant habit of lecturing my husband. For example, he was questioning why my husband had bought a Korean car, going on that they're no good and he should have bought a Japanese or German one instead.
And other things like, "Why on earth did you buy this jacket and jumper? They don't suit you at all." "Have you bought gifts for mother? They better not be some cheap stuff that you didn't put any thought into."
At first, I chalk this up as an older brother looking out for his younger bro, but then the tone and words he used seem overbearing. Not even my husband's mother and father nagged him like this, at least not in front of others. And as I've learned, Ken only targets my husband and doesn't boss his other siblings like that.
My husband doesn't react too strongly when his oldest brother goes at him. He just nods along and says, "Okay then." I mean, I have tried telling my husband that he should just tell his big bro to lay off him already.
Anyways, here comes the issue... We were having dinner at the table, talking any random topics that came to mind. One of my SILs was asking if we had made any holiday plans. My husband mentioned that we are going on a trip to the Maldives soon. And of course, Ken butted in.
He was like, "Oh really, so who organized this trip? Don't tell me that your wife did everything for you." I jumped in and pointed out that my husband had sorted out our trip. Then he questioned my husband, "Are your passports up to date?" "Have you checked if you need visas? etc. And after my husband answered everything, he said, "Wow, good boy, you're stepping up."
Honestly, I was pretty peeved about this and thought this could not go on forever. As soon as Ken left to go to the bathroom, I made an excuse to leave the dining room and waited outside for him. When he came back out, I spoke with him. I told him as nicely as I could, "You need to stop treating my husband like his a kid. And show him some respect."
Let's just say Ken didn't like the way I confronted him. At first, he acted all confused and in denial, saying he wasn't disrespecting my husband. I kept insisting that he was.
Once he reacted aggressively, "Who the hell do you think you are? What's it got to do with you?", that's when I finally lost my cool. The commotion obviously got heard, and we had to get split up. It made the rest of the birthday party awkward after that.
My other BIL and the SILs were saying to me that it shouldn't be my place to speak on my husband's behalf. And if he feels discomfort over what Ken said to him, he should be the one speaking up. With all things considered, AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA at all. Ken sounds super overbearing and honestly, it’s weird that he only targets your husband like that. I get that some people think “it’s a sibling thing,” but there’s a line between teasing and just being straight-up disrespectful, especially in front of everyone.
If your husband isn’t comfortable standing up for himself, then it makes sense that you’d want to step in, no one wants to watch their partner get talked down to like a child.
Yeah, maybe it would’ve been better if your husband said something himself, but sometimes people just get used to that dynamic and don’t realize how bad it looks from the outside. You were just trying to have his back. If Ken can dish it out, he should be able to handle being called out.
NTA. Who do you think you are? HIS WIFE. THAT IS WHO YOU ARE. However, you may be one if your husband has previously asked you not to say anything. I think you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about how he feels about Ken's treatment of him and why he's never shut his brother down.
Someone had to say it, and since your husband’s been silently swallowing years of condescension, you stepped in where respect was long overdue. Ken wasn’t “looking out for his brother,” he was playing dad at a dinner table, and you just pulled the plug on his little power trip.
NTA...It's absolutely your place to defend your husband if he's being mistreated. His family don't set the rules for your family. Let them know this behaviour won't be tolerated. Don't apologize and don't back down.
NTA. "Who the hell do you think you are? What's it got to do with you?" Aren’t these the questions he should be asking himself? Your BIL needs to eff off and learn how to curb the superiority complex. You’re all over 40 ffs. In future call him out publicly. Every. Single. Time. You and your husband share a life so therefore it’s got everything to do with you and nothing to do with him.
NTA. He sounds insufferable and I have no issue with you speaking up for your husband, not everyone is good at confrontation and especially not if it’s a long term dynamic in the family. You tried to be discrete, you addressed it privately with him. Honestly, if they consider you to be the AH 🤷🏼♀️ so what. None of them have ever stood up for your husband, that’s on them.
NTA. It would have been more effective from your husband but Ken needed to hear it. And you tried to tell him privately. You weren’t the one making the scene. Next time you are together tell him you are sorry there was a scene and you’ll try to understand this is how he prefers to communicate so you’ll respect that by communicating with him the same way. And then do it.
When he makes snarky comments at your husband, give a little chuckle and make one right back. If anyone says anything you just look at the blankly and tell them you’re communicating with Ken in his preferred manner and ask if they would prefer Ken and yourself speak to others differently. But I’m petty.