'AITA for telling the bride I’m upset she excluded my partner from the rehearsal dinner?' MINI UPDATE

"AITA for telling the bride I’m upset she excluded my partner from the rehearsal dinner?"

I’m the maid of honor and will be flying with my long term partner (who I live with) to this destination wedding. My partner is getting his suit fitted, new belt/shoes, etc. He’s also paying for flights and a hotel for three nights.

Not to mention, I am the maid of honor and have spent countless hours and money helping her/leading up to the wedding itself. I know the initial problem was her future MIL didn’t want to pay for anyone’s (aside from family) dinner at the rehearsal. The solution was to include the wedding party and family only.

I feel awful having my significant other fly somewhere and pay for an entire weekend to be excluded from this? She’s also a wreck and has been having major panic attacks since getting engaged so my partner keeps telling me not to bother mentioning it…but I really want to.

Here's what people had to say to OP about this one:

owls_and_cardinals said:

YWBTA. While I do think it is stingy for the MIL to have this attitude, I don't think there is a hard and fast rule that +1s be included at a rehearsal dinner, nor that out of town guests be included.

Both are good practices and are in line with what I would do but minimally, it sounds like it out of the bride's hands unless she's going to supplement the dinner by paying for extra heads herself (which might be seen as insulting to her new MIL).

All this is to say, your very close friend is at her wit's end and is literally having panic attacks during the planning of this wedding, so while you are a bit peeved, I don't think your frustration rises to the level of being worth putting additional strain on her. You should honestly care more about that relationship and her well-being, especially since your own partner, the one being excluded, prefers you to say nothing.

Emissary_007 said:

YTA. The bride isn’t paying for the rehearsal dinner so she has no way to dictate who is invited. No one but family and bridal are being invited so it’s not like your partner is being excluded on purpose.

Your partner has told you it’s fine but you want to bring it up. Why? The bride is stressed enough. Allowing your partner might mean she might need to allow for others as well to not upset anyone.

I get it, it’s crap for your partner in your eyes but he could have also chosen to turn down the invitation if it’s a real problem. Be the bigger person and don’t mention it.

Street-Length9871 said:

YWBYTA - Rehearsal Dinner, as the name implies is for the people in the wedding to rehearse and then have dinner. Your partner, however generous and great he may be is not in the wedding. He even said don't mention it. Don't do it.

dongporn said:

YTA - From one event out of a whole weekend? An event that the bride isn't paying for and seemingly doesn't have complete control over? Yes you're going to look silly and it's going to seem a tad dramatic if you do this...just keep it to yourself and move along.

ShannaraRose said:

YWBTA. Your partner isn't upset, so why are you making this such a big deal? You know your friend's reasoning, and that she's a mess from trying to juggle everyone's expectations. Do you think making her MORE unhappy is going to make the situation better for anyone?

Personally, I'd be happiest to NOT have to go to this dinner. In fact, I'd pay money to avoid it, and be happy hanging out at the hotel or exploring the city or spending the time doing anything rather than trying to keep the bride-to-be calm and listening to yet more talk about the wedding.

ThatBChauncey said:

YTA. Rule number 1 when it's someone else's wedding: It's not about you. The rehearsal dinner is traditionally for immediate family and the wedding party only. This isn't a public wedding function, and you know the bride is already stressed about budget. You're selfishly adding to the stress over a non-issue for your partner.

MINI UPDATE:

I’ve decided not to bring it up, hooray. For those concerned, yes, she has general anxiety, and her panic attacks have gotten worse since the engagement. I’ve tried to bring it up gently a few times, but she always shuts it down.

Maybe I’m still holding onto some past stuff between us, but I genuinely believe inviting my partner would’ve been the right thing to do (and no, it’s not about needing to spend every second with him). I’m always there for her—she knows that. Some of y’all really need to chill with the assumptions.