'AITA for telling the bride we will not be eating at the wedding?' 'What is so wrong with pizza?'
"AITA for telling the bride we will not be eating at the wedding?"
I have been in many weddings (total is 29) as a bridesmaid where one of my duties was to keep up with/assist the bride in keeping a count for guests’ food allergies or if a couple were attending but didn’t want a plate for their safety food allergy wise.
Now, I am anaphylactic allergic to dairy which the bride, my cousin, knows about it and knows that I had a reaction from cross contamination 2 months ago and a few more over the last 5 years (just thought I was lactose intolerant until 2018).
I am not a bridesmaid for my cousin (don’t care as she was one of my biggest bullies growing up - mainly going because family and it is the first family event as a couple where our schedules line up).
I thought that since it will be pizza served and store bought fruit and veggie plates with ranch and yogurt and the couples’ wedding website clarified that it will be one topping pizzas with cheese and allergies will not be considered in the food count (wasn’t even an option on the RSVP to state an allergy)...
I thought I could just text the bride “Hey. Just want to give you a heads up for the head count on food that [SO] and I are attending but not eating. Looking forward to the big day.” I thought this was okay because it has been done at other family weddings and maybe she would be happy about the money saving part (~$50 with this caterer) like the other brides or it.
I was very wrong and my cousin called me to scream at me. She asked “What is so wrong with pizza that you don’t want to eat?” Since we were at a wedding just last year with same caterer so I know that even without cheese there will be dairy, I said...
“We just think it will be safer for me if we were to not eat at the wedding but we are looking forward to celebrating their big day with them. The following was 7 minutes of her going on about how good the pizza is and that I am wrong for hating on their food choices ended with “You didn’t get fat without eating pizza!”
For the cost part, this caterer/vendor charges by the number of people eating and not by portion/slice/pizza as he does other food items as well (think 20 pizzas for 98 being cheaper than 20 pizzas for 100 that are the exact same size and toppings).
This is the same caterer I worked with for a different wedding last year at the same venue also with pizza. My mom’s side of the family uses this caterer so much that he has sent all of us that have not been married yet a listing of his prices for the next three years back in March (this gentleman is very nice and almost like a nicer family member and I connected the bride to him).
I was just taken aback and just ended the call with “Sounds like you are having a rough day. Sorry for adding to it” and promptly hung up. Now I am wondering a week later if I was the AH for even telling her that the two of us won’t be eating? For my wedding in 2025, I don’t care as long as you are there.
To clarify, I was not asking for accommodation especially since the website said it would not be done or complaining. Just doing the number thing as it had been done for multiple family and not family weddings. I texted her “Hey. Just want to give you a heads up for the head count on food that [SO] and I are attending but not eating. Looking forward to the big day.”
She called me roughly 2 hours later. My allergy was not mentioned until in the phone call but it was one of those calls where that was not going to be heard. Until posting, I had never considered rsvping no because I had never done that as a guest or bridesmaid and the southern “it’s family” thing.
Since I have until 1 October to change the rsvp from yes to no, I will be talking to my significant other tonight about making other plans for the same time. We could still do a trip to the place without attending, go to my other hometown, or even do one of our bucket list trips. The messsages listing the pros sound heavenly and feel like they will out weigh the flack I will get for not going.
Later, OP provided a mini update:
Final Update: My SO and I changed our RSVP to no last night and are planning a trip elsewhere. Thank you to those that showed me the pros of not going. Within minutes of the change, someone from the actual planning part reached out saying that my NC mom said that I could do XYZ and help pay for the dresses since I’m “getting a pay bump soon.”
I told the person that none of that could happen and my mom knows none of it (probably got the info from dad). That would have been my dealbreaker prior to asking the internet if it happened a day sooner.
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
ElleThePlatypus said:
She sounds awful. I wouldn’t go at this point. Just find a different way to introduce your significant other. A wedding where you don’t like the bride and she doesn’t like you is a lousy place to do it.
[deleted] said:
NTA. You can send her a follow up text. "As a follow up to our conversation. I cannot eat at your reception because I am allergic to dairy. Pizza has dairy. So, I am reducing your food head count by 2. That's all. "
If she continues to have a fit, just tell her you will not go at all then. She has plenty of time to find a new bridesmaid. What an odd thing to have a fit over.
DestructiveCinnamon said:
NTA. Your cousin is still a bully. I personally would enforce a stricter NC and just drop the whole thing if I were you. Your health comes first, and clearly your family doesn't care enough.
LA-forthewin said:
NTA, but why bother to inform her, it's an open buffet, you have concerns about the food, you don't serve yourself.
Ok_Yesterday_6214 said:
ESH, her for still being a bully and you for being a little too much on your reply. My god, it's pizza, I don't think she would save $100 by not ordering 2 portions. Just come and not eat quietly.
Qwerty919991 said:
NTA. The bride blew up at you for literally no reason? And it makes perfect sense to inform her for the food count. You’re not even asking for any alternative food she has no right to get mad about it and sounds like a complete ahole.
mrtowser said:
NTA, don’t go to the wedding, feel free to go NC. This isn’t a person who’s going to make your life better.
himani993 said:
ESH. You didn't have to tell her that you won't be eating at her wedding. There was literally no need for it, buffet style doesn't mean you will be forced to grab a plate. She shouldn't have thrown a fit for a pizza
Acting like it's the end of the world when they are aware of how severe your allergies are. You do realize that you're a guest and by the time 2025 arrives you eating or not eating at her wedding will be least of her worries (unless it's not then good luck to everyone involved)