StateLongjumping432
My girlfriend (35F) and I (36M) are hosting my brother (34M) for two weeks, because he has a training in our city. It's the first time we've hosted him for this long (usually he comes visit for just a weekend), and for such a long stay, differences in eating habits, cleanliness, helpfulness with chores, etc. are starting to clash (politely, but still).
My girlfriend and I spend a few hours on Saturdays cleaning our apartment and cooking for the next few days. I was hopping my brother would at least propose to help but he hasn't, he went for a walk when we started, came back later and stayed on his laptop, then took a nap.
At 4pm he was hungry (he had snaked on a hot dog in town during his walk instead of coming back to eat with us for lunch), so he asked me if he can make himself a sandwich. I said "sure but if [my girlfriend] is cleaning the kitchen, you should wait, or eat a banana or an apple".
I know that my girlfriend doesn't want anyone in the way when she's cleaning a room. She is using that time to call her family. Besides, I was already a bit annoyed that my brother hadn't proposed to help. So, to go as far as sitting in the kitchen eating a sandwich while she is cleaning, I found this rude.
He doesn't want a banana and would like bread and ham. I said "ask [girlfriend] if you can, but don't be surprised if she says no". He went in the kitchen to ask. She was cleaning and calling her mom.
The kitchen table was full of stuff (blender, soap, etc.) that she had just put aside, she would have needed to move them to make space for him, or let him use the counter, which she was cleaning.
She pointed him to the fruit basket and, just like I did, told him he can have a fruit. He didn't take anything. He came back to me and complained that we are "extreme" for not letting him have a sandwich, that he has never seen that anywhere, and that anyone would find it abnormal.
I had no response. To me it sounded absolutely normal that if you are invited in someone's home, especially for such a long stay, you don't get in their way when they are busy cleaning.
But my girlfriend's mother had overheard on the phone when he had come into the kitchen, and told my girlfriend "come on, let him have his sandwich, the poor thing will starve", so she came out and told him he could have it. Now I'm not sure whether we are the AH for telling him no in the first place?
EDIT: to make it extra clear: I'm not expecting him to deep-clean our house. I'm expecting him to do the minimum (like putting his cup in the dishwasher, not making a mess that we have to clean after, etc.)
I'm a bit annoyed that he doesn't naturally chip in to help when he can, but mostly because that's what I do when I'm invited somewhere (including his place). I see my host doing dishes? I'll take a dishcloth and start drying them, for instance. Or if I'm staying several days, I'll offer to cook a couple of meals.
But my post was more about the specific situation of asking him not to go in the kitchen while my girlfriend was cleaning, v.s. my brother thinking he should be able to make himself a sandwich whenever he feels like (and I'm not even strict on that, he made himself a sandwich in the middle of the night, I have no issues with it).
Glass_Key4626
I don't know about other people, but I personally would ALWAYS offer to clean and/or cook if someone was hosting me for free for 2 weeks. It's just basic politeness. Also, the man is 34 and whines that he has to wait for half an hour to make a sandwich, and throws a tantrum that he doesn't want fruit?? NTA and does he still live with mom?
StateLongjumping432 (OP)
No, he has a wife and a kid on the way, he’s a pretty successful businessman but I think he has expectations when visiting family. My mom complained about similar tons when he visits her.
Glass_Key4626
Yeah I can imagine who does all the household and children duties in his house.
HoldFastO2
ESH, except for your GF. Yes, your brother is apparently an entitled git when it comes to visiting family. But how exactly is this a surprise to you, when your mom says he does the same at her place? How do you not open your mouth and clearly state your expectations, rather than expect without cause that things would be different this time?
And then to put the cherry on top, you send him into the kitchen to your GF to burden her with saying no to him, again, rather than you taking up this apparently very necessary discussion with him. C'mon dude. Step up here.
ExpensivePanda66
YTA, let the hungry guest have a sandwich. On the topic of him not offering to help, it can be hard sometimes for somebody to know where and how and when they should help. Especially when you have such a big and specific routine that you seem to want to follow so closely.
On the one hand you're saying "stay out of our way when we're cleaning", but then you're complaining he doesn't offer to help. Try to be a bit more clear of the expectations you have of guests.
Wandering_aimlessly9
I’m going to rock the boat. Even if my sibling were staying for 2 weeks…I’m not going to deny them 2 minutes to access a kitchen while I’m cleaning it. It doesn’t take an hour or even much space to make a sandwich. YTA. He’s not cooking a meal.
Decent-Historian-207
YTA. It’s a sandwich. It would take less than five minutes. Also why are you bitter over him eating a hot dog on his walk and not coming home for lunch? This is all overly dramatic. I am surprised if he is there for training that the company didn’t pay for a hotel. He should consider that instead.