'AITA for telling my brother's GF she can't expect me to treat her kids like I treat mine?'
"AITA for telling my brother's GF she can't expect me to treat her kids like I treat mine and that she is not entitled to anything from us?"
I (32F) have two sons with my husband, a ten months and a 3 years old. I obviously love my kids but I don't really like other kids, especially kids I don't know well. I am just not the maternal type that will want to interact with other kids or find them cute or whatever.
My brother has been dating his girlfriend Natalie (31F) and she has 2 kids as well: 7M and 5F. When we first met Natalie she seemed excited that I have kids and started planning how our kids will bond and play together.
This did not happen and the main reason is the age difference. Again, my kids are 3 years old and 10 months. I don't know how she imagined that her 7-year-old will bond so well with a baby or someone 4 years younger than him. Her 5-year-old daughter is a different situation. She is very rowdy so my oldest avoids her at all cost when we meet during family functions or whatever.
Despite our kids clearly not blending well, I would say we were nice towards Natalie and her kids. Last Christmas for example (the first Christmas since they got together) we gave gifts to her kids when we met at my parents' place for dinner and I thought that was enough. However Natalie decided to confront me on things I apparently did wrong and hurt her feelings. She mentioned:
I do not show a special interest in her kids that will potentially become my niece and nephew in the future.
I refuse to have her kids over at my place for playdates without her being present. To be clear, I am ok with hosting her, my brother and her kids for a dinner or something.
I refuse to make my son like her daughter.
I am cold towards her kids.
I explained to her that I can't and will not force my kid to play or be friends with anyone. I also said that I am not comfortable having her kids in my house without her present. I do not know her kids that well, I have no idea how they behave outside of the few family settings that we have all attended and I don't want to be responsible for two stranger kids in my house.
On the coldness side, I explained to her that I am not cold on purpose but this is how I am as a person. I am not a kids fan, I am not overly maternal and I simply don't feel like being overly excited over kids. She said that this is not true because she saw that I am everything I claim not to be with my kids.
Well, yes, because they are my own children? She also claims that everyone has been excluding her children. When I asked her how, she gave the same examples from above and claimed that my parents are more affectionate towards my kids. Yes, again, because they are their grandkids?
In the end we were not getting anywhere so I told her "Look Natalie. You started dating my brother 1 year ago, my parents and I had a couple of meetings with you and your kids and everyone was nice to all of you. I don't know what your problem is but you need to speak to my brother. No one is excluding your kids but you can't expect us to treat your kids the same as mine.
This is never going to happen. My kids are my kids, they don't owe anything to yours and you are not entitled to anything from us. Please solve this issues with my brother". My brother apologized for her and mentioned to me she sound like a mad woman, focused on the absurd "differences" she sees when it comes to our kids.
He agrees our parents are not doing anything wrong and that I am not doing anything wrong. He knows me and he is aware I am not doing anything on purpose. He said that Natalie has been crying after our discussion and while he agrees with me he asked me if I can try being more empathetic towards her feelings.
I told him that I am polite to her but she seems manipulative and if she doesn't want to hear the truth, she should not start this kind of discussions with me. My brother is lost, he does not know how to manage this madness and I am honestly confused if I did anything wrong when speaking to her.
The internet had a lot of thoughts about the dynamic.
ParticularPath7791 wrote:
NTA. I only like my kids and my besties kids. All other kids get on my nerves. I will be nice to them but I'm not a let me hold the baby or host a playdate type of person. I will also not fawn over any goblins.
OP responded:
Haha 🤣 same here sis. My little goblins are enough for me.
TheRoadkillRapunzel wrote:
NTA. She was hoping to leave them with you for date nights and weekends away.
You just slaughtered that dream and she’s not happy.
OP responded:
Yeah, no. That's just never going to happen.
I_wanna_be_anemone wrote:
Sounds like this woman is dating your brother specifically to have an ‘instant’ family as opposed to actually loving him to build a life with him. That's not stable. All your brother can commit to in a relationship is himself, he can’t promise anything on behalf of other people, blood related or not. Relationships take time and effort to build.
Reminds me of the thread on BORU where brothers wife insisted on calling FIL ‘dad’ despite him and the rest of brothers family saying they weren’t comfortable with the woman acting like she’d been adopted into the family as a daughter/sister.
It escalated for months before the brother finally called off their wedding because his ex was pulling mind games trying to get FIL’s ex-wife invited to family events because ex-MIL fed into the whole ‘you’re instantly family now’ delusion. NTA.
Winternin wrote:
"My brother is lost, he does not know how to manage this madness."
I know how to handle it. You drop the madness, like any reasonable person would. This woman is bad news and your brother is a fool to stay with her. You are definitely NTA and I commend you for the way you handled this!
Existing_Try_2857 wrote:
The really sad part is, the gf is not doing her children any favors. I wonder if she has a habit of trying to integrate her kids into any previous boyfriend’s lives and family far too soon. The constant upheaval and new sets of “family” will wreck a kid. Introducing slowly and with intent is the only way not to hurt the child.
She sounds like she needs to some therapy, especially where her kids are concerned. You are NTA. I will be curious for an update about how long this relationship lasts.
OP responded:
The kids are somehow acting more mature in this situation if that makes any sense? In the way that they act like normal kids their age who don't seem to give a s**t about all these new adults their mother introduced them to. They say hello and bye, will reply to questions or engage a little when asked something but that's it. We are strangers to them.
Select_Hovercraft839 wrote:
NTA. Reasonable boundaries were stated and need to respected. I was the same way with my kids, loved them to the moon and back, but have a low tolerance for being around other people's kids. Besides, why get all entangled with a girlfriend and her kids? Her and your brother could end up breaking up next week or next month, who knows.