'AITA for telling my cheating ex-husband I will never feel bad for him and I will never 'help him make this better'?'
"AITA for telling my cheating ex-husband I will never feel bad for him and I will never 'help him make this better'?"
I (46f) was married to my ex-husband John (48m) a decade when I found out he had cheated multiple times with multiple women, one of whom became a fully fledged affair. We had three young kids at the time.
How I found out was I started suffering some concerning symptoms, went to the doctor and some tests were ran and it was discovered I had gonorrhea which had caused pelvic inflammatory disorder.
The whole thing was devastating and John didn't even pretend he was concerned about me but he was concerned about his affair partner Cathy. The two of them married after the divorce and I had to pick up the pieces, deal with the consequences of John's cheating and his lasting gift and help my kids deal with the divorce. All while I had to be civil in front of the kids which killed me.
I had minimal contact with John and Cathy. I refused to speak to either unless I had to. A few times they attempted additional contact with the aim of us being friends but I shot that down and I told the two of them to rot in hell. The kids had a good relationship with their dad until a few years ago. But John and Cathy were unable to have children together.
I believe she had miscarriages and stillbirths and my kids felt there was pressure on them to gather around them and love Cathy so she'd still feel like a mother but none of them had a close relationship with her and they felt like their dad was manipulative about it so they started going to his house less and faded away.
My youngest graduated in May and didn't invite John or Cathy. There were discussions about it but ultimately he decided he would prefer to focus on his achievement and not the drama.
John attempted to get me to force my youngest's hand and he tried to throw a pity party about their losses and Cathy's love for the kids and her losing the chance to be a mother. I blocked him after several text messages about this. Now I've had him at my house trying to make me feel bad for him and Cathy by talking about all the losses and asking me to help him make this better.
Which to him means he wants the kids back in his and Cathy's lives and for me to encourage them to love both of them and to let them, but especially Cathy, feel like she won't miss out on all the motherly experiences. He wanted me to treat her like their other mother and present as a team so that when weddings and babies come along she'll be included and equal in all of it.
I had no patience for his request and even though he was already upset talking about the losses I was not kind when I told him to get away from my house and from me. I told him I will never feel bad for him and that his pity party and attempt to make me responsible for their happiness after the way he treated me was outrageous.
I told him he caused all of this and he can fix it but he doesn't deserve a single ounce of kindness or compassion from me after his actions in our marriage. He tried to argue but I closed my front door and he left after that.
I was on good terms with John's sister after everything went down but once she heard about our interaction at my house she turned on me. She told me she understands me hating them but John has been broken up about all the losses they have endured and I could have been a little kinder. And that I should want my kids to have John and Cathy in their lives.
That I should be able to see it would be better for them and future grandkids. I told her I owed the two of them nothing and did not wish for their happiness. She told me I had proven to be spiteful and hurt her brother when our divorce happened more than a decade ago now and it's truly in the past.
I'm disappointed that relationship broke down but feel like it was possibly naive to think it would always survive what happened because John's her brother first. I do value her opinion, or did before this.
I disagree with what she said but I also feel like I shouldn't dismiss it without seeking others opinions when I have always valued what she says before. Even though I believe this is just a loyalty thing at the end of it all. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. He just wants you to fix his failings because he can’t be bothered to do it himself. You’re not his wife so that’s not your problem. And tell sissy to eff off. You don’t owe either of them a damn thing.
All of this, and I'll add: OP's kids are old enough and making their own decisions! Even if they were married, and they were somehow "on the same team", OP's kids have made a decision. They don't want to deal with their cheating dad & his wife. Most kids are just not going to feel warmth towards a woman who they feel contributed to breaking up their family.
Most of my (now adult) friends have had a difficult time maintaining a long term relationship with the parent who cheated. Add to this, the dad & his wife want to do the whole "we're all a big family" thing which is totally hokey unless everyone is actually feeling it.
Scientifically speaking, and correct me if I'm wrong, but if your cheating ex gave his affair partner and now wife, an STD and pelvic inflammations too, isn't he very possibly responsible for the miscarriages she has had? I thought there was a link between STDs, pelvic inflammations and fertility? If there is and he caused the infection, it is his fault that she cannot have children..??
EducationalSurvey262 (OP)
It's possible and also extremely likely. I was unable to have more children after he was done with me.
Shouldn’t your kid’s opinion and being pressured to make Cathy their “mom” be the issue here? Your kids don’t want to give them the time of day. You don’t have to either. NTA.