'AITA for telling my cheating ex-wife to tell her sob story to someone who cares?'

"AITA for telling my cheating ex-wife to tell her sob story to someone who cares?"

I (40m) married to my ex-wife Lisa (40f) 20 years ago. We were married for 5.5 years and we had two children together who are 18 and 16 now. Our marriage ended when I found Lisa in bed with another man after coming home from work.

Lisa tried to deny an affair was happening and insisted she had simply offered this guy a place to crash for the night. But even if I had tried to ignore the more obvious signs and believe her, she sent our kids to my parents house and had not mentioned anyone staying over so I would've been a fool to believe her.

After I filed for divorce Lisa found out she was pregnant, tried to tell me I was the father and that we should get back together then said I couldn't be the father, which I already knew because I had a vasectomy and did all my checkups. Then she miscarried and blamed me.

Citing the stress of divorce and fighting custody of our kids as the reason, even though she was the one who wanted sole custody of our kids and for me to pay 5k a month in child support which wasn't even possible. She lived with her affair partner and around this time, he got arrested and she stayed in his house.

He served about two years. So our divorce was finalized and everything. We had shared physical and legal custody 50-50 and had a court ordered parenting agreement that spelled out everything.

Our kids hated Lisa's husband. He was a POS and highly jealous of the fact Lisa had to share custody of the kids with me. He was an overbearing drill sergeant with them. He'd check their stuff that moved between houses with them, including their school backpack. He'd confiscate any food they had with them, even if it was from school. Most of the time he ate it himself or tossed it in the trash.

He'd write notes to me and insist my kids give them to me. Lisa knew all this. The kids complained to her and it made Lisa complain to me and she took me to court once saying I was engaging in alienation because the kids complained about her husband to her. The judge didn't entertain her beyond letting her make her case in court.

Lisa and her husband's personal life was a mess. She found out he lied about having a kid when they met and he found out he had fathered another kid when him and Lisa were cheating behind my back.

Those kids moved in with them full time and Lisa tried to sue for more child support, which I did pay some but not a large amount because we had the kids an equal amount of time. My kids struggled with everything and they'd talk to me. I had to fight to get them into therapy because Lisa refused to consent and she accused me of trying to ruin them with an expense like that.

Even when I agreed to pay the full amount she said no. But the judge overruled her when I took this to court. My kids were under increased pressure to bring stuff from my house to their mom's house so the other kids could play with their games. My kids hated going to their mom's but my first attempt to get majority/full custody failed.

The kids were too young for their voices to be heard also. I did what I could to support and be there for my kids. They grew increasingly unhappy there. And finally three years ago I was awarded full custody because of the wishes of the kids.

By that point Lisa had two more children with her husband. But my kids never bonded with the step or half siblings and did not care about maintaining contact with them and still wanted to live with me alone. Child support was then changed from me paying to Lisa paying. She had it reduced once last year for financial difficulties facing her household.

In the last couple of months Lisa has contacted me a grand total of 42 times, via email, asking for financial support and for me to send our kids old stuff to her house. I wrote back one time clearly stating I would not and I ignored further emails. My lawyer has them documented but that's the most I've done with them.

Instead of leaving it alone she confronted me and tried to tell me this sob story about struggling to feed and clothe and take care of the four kids in her household. But I shot her down and told her to tell the sob story to someone who cares because her household is none of my concern.

Only our children are my concern. She reached out to the oldest too and both kids blocked her once they realized she would start something. In response to what I said she wrote a very lengthy email that I skimmed and she sent a former friend of ours, who sided with her in the divorce, to confront me about abandoning her twice and being cruel.

I shut that person down. It was 12 or more years ago when I last saw them. However I am aware that Lisa is still the mother of my kids. I know they don't care for a relationship with their mother or step/half siblings right now but that could change.

And maybe I am not creating the best environment for them right now. More specifically because of how I spoke to Lisa when she asked for help. I know all that did was worsen things between us. Does this make me TA? That's what I want to know.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

thequiethunter said:

NTA. She played FAFO and now she knows. Not your mess to clean up.

Free_Fishing_5116 said:

NTA...listen to your kids, what they want - they are kids, not idiots - they have enough reason and agency at their ages...support them, validate their decisions. Your kids will be forever grateful to have you as the parent who had their back and fought for them at this fraught moment in their life...

Block Lisa on all platforms and get a parenting app to communicate - her life is a self inflicted mess and you will do well to save your kids from it.

SpaldingPenrodthe3rd said:

NTA, like all the comments said get a cease and desist order. You have custody of the kids and what might or might not happen in the future is of no concern. Right now she is full of drama and the kids want nothing to do with her. Leave it at that.

BeautifulTerm3753 said:

NTA, you literally owe this woman nothing. You have full custody. Even her own children don’t want anything to do with her. These are the consequences of her actions. She is reaping what she sowed. She recognizes that you are the good guy even until this day.

SwimmingProgram6530 said:

NTA. Your children are old enough to realize that their mother’s relationship with them

is more transactional than nurturing.

Ggeunther said:

NTA. Keep your distance, and hold your ground. You are doing your children a solid by removing this person from their lives. They have learned what they can from her, and should now know how to identify this type of personality in the future.

If they decide later to open a conversation, or try to establish a relationship with her, they can. You are doing the very best for your children, don't doubt yourself.

Why should you worry about having a bad relationship with a cheater, and a liar? Speak to her in the manner she has earned. You are losing nothing, and you are helping your children to become responsible adults.

Ifiwerenyourshoes said:

NTA, and I would laugh at her, call her a cheater, and tell her I hope our children do not have a relationship with you when they get older. They know you are a cheater, you had a great life with me and you chose this life instead. Especially with that loser.