'AITA for telling my coworker to stop buying me gifts?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my coworker to stop buying me gifts?"
I (18f) started at a new job in October. My coworker (27m) immediately started talking to me my first day there. I would talk to him in group settings but he would always try to get me to go with him to his car to breaks, etc.
After about a week of me working there, he started bringing me Starbucks in the morning and even packing me lunch. After 3 weeks, he had planned an entire date to go get dinner and ice cream.
I had told him I did not want to go and I would only like to be friends at work and he said he understood. He kept bringing me lunch and buying me food but I just kept it friendly and professional and never went anywhere with him alone.
Flash forward to December and my battery had died at work. I had asked him to jump it. He had absolutely no idea what he was doing if I'm being honest, and on my way home it quite literally caught on fire and he gave me 400 DOLLARS THE NEXT DAY.
I never said it was his fault or blamed him but like.. idk I tried to refuse the money and then afterwards told him I really do not want him to be giving me money or buying me things really at all because I feel like it’s something that can be held over my head he said it’s not like that and he does this for all of his friends.
Then on Christmas, he shows up to work with Uggs and AirPods both very expensive things. He said that it was because he felt bad about the car and he was trying to make up for the things that I have lost, but I’ve never said that I lost UGGs or AirPods in the car because I’ve never even owned UGGs or AirPods, I don’t know.
Then I explained to him again that I only wanted to be friends and that all of these gifts and everything was just too much for me and I just don’t like it and he said again that he understood and he was worried that I would think that, but he doesn’t want anything with anyone and then he’s been talking to other coworkers about the situation insane.
He doesn’t understand why I brought it up because he knew that I just wanted to be friends and everything and he’s just making things awkward with other people that work and I just don’t know if I’m in the wrong. I still have the gifts, but I don’t know. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA - You should be very worried about a man nearly 10 years older than you who will not take no for an answer. If he will cross some of your boundaries, he will probably escalate to other boundaries and become dangerous. You should report him to your boss for unwanted advances.
This! Not taking no for an answer predicts that he will get worse over time and is likely already a little obsessive. Those unwanted gestures often evolve into aggression and a possessive mentality.
Definitely NTA. He’s love bombing and getting obsessive and that’s weird especially because you have to see him at work. Hopefully you(and other colleagues/bosses) can help establish boundaries , be on the look out, and kinda block him out from any 1 on 1 time.
divaa420 (OP)
i work in a warehouse so all of this definitely gets overlooked by higher ups. he also has been with the company since they started and i’m pretty much brand new compared to everyone else. it sucks because i really like this job.
NTA Absolutely do not accept anything more expensive than a stick of gum from him. Return everything he has given you. And for heaven’s sake, if your car ever acts up, ask ANYONE but him for help. This guy is creeping on you. Don’t give him any encouragement.
Nearly a month later, the OP returned with an update.
Hi everyone, so I genuinely was not going to post an update about this because the situation had honestly calmed down. He had not talked to me or anything since I confronted him about everything and had kept my distance.
I definitely took into consideration everything that you guys had said. 1. I did not give the gifts back, he wasn’t talking to me and i was not going to initiate that. 2 I have talked to my HR and they are pretty much not going to do anything.
I have switched to part time and am looking for a new job. Now the reason I am updating is because yesterday I got a message from a random number. I’m going to paste it here but star out the name.
“Hey, It’s **** I got your number off the work app. I'm sorry about everything. I wanted to hit you up sooner, but I didn't want to bother you. Honestly, I miss hanging out with you and hearing you laugh and talk about whatever was on your mind.
It was one of the best parts of my day. It bums me out how things went down, but I just wanted to thank you for being an awesome friend. I miss you and I hope you're doing well.”
When I got this message I was EXTREMELY creeped out and concerned considering the fact we do not have a work app that shows our numbers. And considering just everything that was said in that message in general. we were NEVER close like that we hung out in a group setting on breaks at work only.
I have taken this message to my HR but they are not doing anything. What do I do now? I responded to him and blocked his number and will paste that message at the end of this. I don’t think there’s really anything else I can do until I find a new job🫠
My reply: “I thought we already cleared this up. I’m not interested in being friends. Things got uncomfortable for me, and it didn’t feel like your only intention was friendship. The age difference and the gifts made it feel weird to me, and this message honestly made me uncomfortable. Don’t reach out to me again.”
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I'd personally take it to the police even just to report it for records sake. If he reaches out again get an RO against him it is borderline stalking to me.
Agree with this.
And because if he's managed to get OP's phone number, does he also have her address? Or does he have an apple tag on her car? I would be pretty creeped out.
divaa420 (OP)
i’m worried about something like that as well i have had my dad check my car for a tracker though and there was nothing. also i recently got a new car and im not sure if he knows which car is mine unless he has watched me and seen me get in it.
I'd ask HR if they have any information about what work app he's referring to, and whether this is considered 'acceptable use' of the company's information. Whether it would be OK for you to go looking up colleagues' numbers to use for non-business purposes? And if there is no app, then include that information in your police report.
And when you query whether this is considered acceptable use, if they have any brain cells, that's their clue that they either need to enforce their acceptable use policy or update to ensure it isn't acceptable use, or they may be considered complicit in helping this person get access to your personal information.
If there is no such app, then you need to consider that this person may have access to all personal information the company has about you: medical conditions, address, work history, etc.
If there is such an app, you need to make sure you figure out how much of your personal information he has been able to access, like your address. Don't block his number. Collect harassment evidence and be aware if the messages indicate escalation. Just put it on silent ringtone.
divaa420 (OP)
I talked to my supervisor today rather than HR and he said he has no idea what app he could be referring to. We don’t have any messaging app through work either only email. He said the only thing he could have found on a work app is my work email.
I'm definitely considering legal action because even when i said something today it didn’t seem like they were going to do anything. Im going to unblock his number and see if any more messages come in. I really appreciate the advice.
Yeah, HR at a warehouse ain't gonna do squat. This is a run away as fast as you can situation.
Gotta love the person telling her it’s all her fault because she accepted the initial small things he brought her and ‘encouraged’ the obsession. Like this almost 30 year old man has no agency over himself.