'AITA for telling my dad that I don’t exist to be the reincarnation of his mother?'

"AITA for telling my dad that I don’t exist to be the reincarnation of his mother?"

1 month before my mom discovered she was pregnant with me, my grandmother (dad’s mom) passed away. When my parents found out I was a girl, my dad insisted they name me after my grandmother. As I got older, it became clear I look very much like my grandmother. As a kid, the references and comparisons were nice. I enjoyed hearing stories about my grandma. The comparisons were always complementary.

And then I hit my later teen years. I started doing some things that my family didn’t agree with. I chose a college/career path that my dad was not fond of. He began comparing me to my grandmother, but not in a good way.

He made it clear I had to live up to her legacy. He said I was going to let her down if I didn’t do things the way she had. I was freaked out by this and refused to change what I was doing. And then it continued.

I grew out of certain hobbies and was scolded by my dad and his brothers because “your grandma enjoyed those." I’d say I didn’t anymore, and they’d insist I had to like them because I was “just like her."

That honestly made me even more done with the hobbies. Before it was because I simply lost interest and gained new ones. Now, it was because I didn’t want to do anything she had, because clearly it’d be held over me for life.

When I was in college, I cut my hair differently and again, they had a freak out. It was at this point that I entered therapy and realized, for years, they had basically been treating me like the reincarnation of their mother.

My dad had warped my entire identity to match his mother’s. I started questioning if I really liked certain things, if my dad really loved me for me. So, I started exploring myself, trying new things. My dad continued to get upset.

Potentially the biggest upset is when I started going by a shortened version of my name. My full name is Lorraine, but I started going by Rain (some friends had called me this in high school and college as a nickname but I fully embraced it).

My dad and his brothers refused to call me that, and would get upset if anyone did. Then I dyed my hair. I still look like her in the face, but my hair was constantly compared to hers, and I know it was a kick to my dad and uncles. I explained why I was doing all of this and they called me dramatic, but the comparisons never stopped.

Now, I’m 27 and I’m getting married next year. My dad recently asked me if I was going to change my last name. I said yes. He begged me to keep it because even though I go by “Rain” now, my full, government name is the exact same as my grandmother’s. I said I wanted to have the same last name as my husband and any future children we shared.

I also told him I was using this as an excuse to change my first name legally to Rain. I’ll keep my middle name, which again, I share with my grandmother. My dad was very upset and told me I was being spiteful. I said I’m not being spiteful, I’m trying to reclaim my own identity.

I pointed out to him that I don’t exist to be the reincarnation of his mother and that maybe if he hadn’t pushed the identity so hard on me, I wouldn’t feel like I have to do this. He got even more upset and said maybe one day I’ll understand how it feels when he’s dead.

He hasn’t spoken to me in a few days and my mom says I hurt his feelings. She feels like I shouldn’t have told him I was changing my first name legally and I shouldn’t have said all of what I did. My fiancé is on my side. So, I don’t know what to think. AITA?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Xxvelvet said:

NTA. Your father and uncles turned you into a walking memorial for your grandmother insisted of treating you like your own person. Your mom is an idiot for allowing him to do this to you. People who turn their children into walking memorials and living monuments to their dead relatives suck.

RaptorOO7 said:

NTA, and frankly my response to his remark about when he is dead, “when that day comes I will finally be liberated for good and no longer forced to be the reincarnation of someone I am not.

Resemblance is nice, being forced to be just like them is not." Your mother is wrong and to that I would say tell them don’t worry you won’t get to meet your future grandchildren because I will never let you do to them what you did to me.

Which_Rub_7639 said:

NTA. And saying you’ll understand when he’s dead is quite the guilt trip.

fiestafan73 said:

Tell your dad, “Don’t worry, when you die I won’t name anything after you.” NTA.

TheRoadkillRapunzel said:

NTA. Rain is a beautiful name. Congratulations on your engagement and I hope your dad can see you as your own person someday.

timehoodie6969 said:

NTA. Your dad and uncles have needed therapy for 27 years. I would tell him that his mother would be appalled that he's throwing a tantrum rather than supporting his daughter who is getting married. Your mom needs to grow a spine.