'AITA for telling my dad that as long as he’s still married to his wife he’ll never be part of my or my daughter’s lives?'
"AITA for telling my dad that as long as he’s still married to his wife he’ll never be part of my or my daughter’s lives?"
My mom died when I was 5, I was an only child. When I was 13, my dad remarried a total witch. She absolutely hated me. At 17, I was ready to be out of the house because she made my life a living hell. As soon as I turned 18, I left the house and never went back, not even for breaks or vacations.
Whenever I was off, I’d spend the time with one of my uncles or aunts on both sides but never with dad. He’d always come and see me though. He helped me out a little with college, which I was grateful for, but I still had to work all the time.
After I graduated, some huge arguments happened between me and dad because of his wife and that led to me going completely no contact with him and his new family, including their new 3 kids who are all under 10 right now.
Now I’m 27, married and my wife just gave birth to our first baby daughter the day before Christmas. I’m absolutely in love with my little baby doll, and someone told my dad about it because ever since she was born he hasn’t gotten off of my ass about it.
He wants to reconnect and make up about the whole situation and be a grandpa since she is his first grandchild and he is not gonna get any for decades from any of his other kids.
I told him to go get lost and be with the family he chose over me and that I’m not someone’s sloppy seconds and I’m not gonna put my baby daughter through that same BS. He kept begging and begging and it was ruining my happiness after finally getting my baby and I just lost it on him last night. I answered his call and laid into him.
I told him how much I truly hated him for choosing his wife over me and about how much of a pathetic loser he was to let his wife treat his only son like that. I finished off by telling him that, to me, he’s dead and will never be in my or my daughter’s lives again.
He hasn’t reached out since then, and I don’t feel like this is some victory, I feel absolutely horrible because I can’t get who he was before he met her out of my mind. He was the best dad. It hurts so much because that version of him has been dead for years now and it’s not coming back.
That version of him would have been the best grandpa, and it might still be there somewhere in him, but I don’t wanna gamble on which version of him my daughter would get. Am I in the wrong here?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Nope. NTA. The audacity to make you feel unwelcome in your own home or allowing someone else to do so is appalling. He brought this on himself.
NTA, sometimes it’s worse to watch what’s someone’s become.
Total_Carob8096 (OP)
Yes, dad was so much better and happier before her, it genuinely hurts a lot to see what he’s become.
I don't think you're evil you've just been carrying pain inside you for many years, and now it's burst out. You have the right to protect yourself and your child from what broke you once before. Missing the father he used to be, while not letting the father he is now into your life, doesn't make you a bad father or son.
NTA. He allowed his wife to mistreat you whose to say she wont mistreat your daughter when she's around? He made his choice and choices have consequences.
I’m really sorry. There are no winners here except that witch of a step witch.
Your father has been in denial for 14 years about how awful his wife is. And convinced himself that things were fine and “you’re just busy with life” when you went no contact with him.
You just brutally ripped off his blindfold. It’s just too bad you didn’t do it years ago, before he had children with his wife. He thought your child would be a great bonding opportunity, to mend fences. But the fact he was completely oblivious to how much anger and hatred you had towards him is a bit concerning.
It’s clear she fed him lies about you even after you had left. You own him jack. Now, or in the future. He chose to allow his wife to drive you out, he get to live with not having his oldest grandchild in his life. Good riddance to bad rubbish. NTA.
My only advise for you is to see a therapist. You don’t have to let your dad into your life, but carrying around that much anger and grief is almost certainly negatively impacting you and those around you. You will have a happier life if you work through that pain with a professional.
Honestly u’re NTA at all. it makes total sense why u’re protecting ur daughter from the same person who made ur life a living hell when u were a kid. u aren't being mean, u’re just setting a hard boundary.
u don’t want to gamble on which version of him shows up for ur baby. it’s totally normal to grieve the "best dad" version of him from when u were 5, but that doesn't mean u owe this current version a seat at the table.
Your dad brought this on himself. There’s no turning back the clock to redo anything. He married someone that made you feel unwelcomed in your home and allowing her to get away with being cruel towards you instead of protecting you, since he was too wussy whipped to realize what she’s been doing towards you.
He allowed her to drive you away, allowed her to make sure you don’t step foot in his house ever again and caused the wedge between you both. It’s too late now for him to rebuild a relationship with you after he kept choosing his new wife instead of putting you first or stopping her from driving you away.
You are doing the right thing for your daughter to keep her safe from toxic people and protecting her the way you needed to be protected. You are allowed to mourn the relationship that you used to have with your dad while protecting your family from a toxic individual.
If his side of the family gives you grief or try to convince you to give him a chance to have a relationship with your daughter, firmly tell them no and let them know that he chose to stay with someone that made you feel unwanted & unwelcome in your house while your sperm donor didn’t do anything to stop her.