'AITA for telling my dad that if he didn't 'shape up' my mom was going to leave him?' + UPDATE
"AITA for telling my dad that if he didn't 'shape up' my mom was going to leave him?"
For context, I am a 16 year old girl and my Dad is a 57 year old man. I love my parents a lot, and I am so grateful for all the things they do to provide for me. However, me and my Dad have always had a bit of a strange relationship. He is not very good at communicating, and sometimes it feels like I can’t talk to him about anything.
This does bother me, but the real issue in our house is that my mom does EVERYTHING. Every day she makes dinner, does the dishes, laundry, etc. On top of this, she recently started remotely working full time again, AND she is currently going back to college to get her masters degree.
I do everything I can to help her out, but I can only do so much. My Dad works full time, and that's it. He never does any chores or helps around the house at all. He does work a labor heavy job, and I understand it's tiring, but he could at least give our dog a bath or make dinner for himself or something.
Both me and my mom have said many times that we want him to help around the house, and he always says he will, but he never does anything. He did the dishes a couple times, but he didn’t do it thoroughly enough and there was still food on them so my mom had to rewash them.
I’ve honestly gotten really tired of this, as it’s been going on for years. Well, here is where I might be the AH. This happened three days ago. My mom was in class that night, so she hadn’t gotten an opportunity to do the laundry yet, and there was a basket of dirty clothes in my parent's room.
My dad offhandedly remarked “Gee, there sure are a lot of dirty clothes laying around.” This made me really annoyed. I told him that he was a grown man and if he wanted clean clothes he could do a load of laundry himself. My dad looked surprised at this and told me to calm down. I have a tendency of speaking harshly to people when I’m irritated, and this was unfortunately one of those moments.
So I told him that “I swear to God, If you don’t shape up and start doing some actual work around here Mom is gonna want a divorce.” I knew immediately I shouldn't have said it and he left the room looking really angry. Not sure if it's relevant, but he has been married 2 times before my Mom.
I told my mom about this and she says that while he should do more work, what I said was really mean and the divorce comment was completely unnecessary. When my dad got home from work the next day I tried to apologize, but he completely ignored me and just went outside.
It’s been three days and he hasn’t said a word to me, even though I’ve tried to say sorry multiple times. My house is now really tense since my Dad is also mad at my Mom because he thinks she wants to get a divorce . I feel horrible but honestly, deep down I still agree with the comment I said to him. So, AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. As a daughter of a man very similar to the way you described your father, he is using weaponized incompetence and the silent treatment as manipulation. You weren’t out of the realm of possibilities by saying what you said (I know because after 18 longggg years my mom finally divorced my dad).
It may have sounded harsh to him but that’s because people with no accountability for their actions will always feel attacked. I hate to say it, but it sounds like your mom would be better off without him.
As far as the silent treatment goes, it hurts and it’s childish and annoying but the best thing you can do is look straight through him. Play the game back. It won’t take long before he’s pretending like everything is fine again as he’s waited on hand and foot.
Turn that weapon of incompetence on him. Set up a rotating or alternating schedule for dish duty. The days after he does the dishes, anything that he didn't get clean is for his meals. Mom and daughter can use paper plates and plasticware those days. But they know the days after they are doing the dishes, they will be eating off of actual dishes.
NTA. My favorite part of this is you voicing concerns you and your mother share about his lack of help around the home.... and his response is to go hide in his shed rather than actually doing anything to fix the problem. (Did he ever do the laundry?)
I feel like you also have to explain to your mother how this makes you feel - that she is constantly placing your dads feelings and comfort over both of yours... Is this the kind of relationship she wants for you when you are older?
Also, make it clear that it's pretty impossible to drift away from only one parent after moving out - you don't want to get to a point (in a few short years) where you stop coming around at all because you don't want to watch/hear/deal with it anymore.
Eight days later, the OP returned with an update.
First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone on my post who commented about their opinions on why I was or wasn’t an AH. Everyone was very kind and you all gave great feedback.
The verdict on my post ended up being not the a-hole, though a lot of people said it wasn’t my place to speak on behalf of my mom like that. After thinking about it, I agree. My dad was being a jerk but I really shouldn't have put words in my moms mouth.
Now, for the update. About two days after I had posted on here, my parents sat me down and said they wanted to talk. I was prepared to get a lecture about how what I said was out of line, but that's not what happened.
Apparently, the reason my dad had gotten so upset at the comment I made was that it hit a little too close to home. It turns out, my dad has been cheating on my mom for about a year with one of his co-workers, and my mom found out a few months ago.
The reason she went back to work was because she needed financial independence to get divorced. They said they hadn't been planning on telling me, but my dad decided I was mature enough to know the truth and that I deserved to know. They said they would probably be separated by the end of the year.
This situation was completely out of left field to be honest, because while my dad might not have been the best at doing the dishes I never thought he would have an affair. My dad has talked to me about how he was so sorry for what he’s been doing, and that he hoped I didn't view him differently.
I’ve tried to be kind and not say any more unnecessary comments, but I did let him know that I was really disappointed in him. I needed to get out of the house so I’ve been staying with my friend for the past couple of days and processing everything.
So, while what I said to him might’ve been rude, it resulted in me finding the truth about what was going on, so I'm kind of glad. I’m sorry that this update isn’t the happiest or anything, but overall I am doing ok. And thank you again to everyone who commented on my first post, I appreciate it a lot.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
"My dad has talked to me about how he was so sorry for what he’s been doing, and that he hoped I didn't view him differently."
Ah yes, his primary concern is how he’s perceived. Yikes but not surprising. I’m very sorry about all this.
Man who had affair and can't be bothered to do the dishes hopes his child won't "view him differently". Selfish and delusional.
I find it hilarious that cheaters won't do certain things at home because they're too tired because of work or whatever other excuse, but somehow have the energy to go out and cheat with a coworker.
On to wife #4 eh… Oh, men.
I hope your dad doesn't expect you to live with him and do *all* the housework after your mom moves out.