'AITA for telling my dad that I don’t like his wife after 20+ years knowing her?' UPDATED
"AITA for telling my dad that I don’t like his wife after 20+ years knowing her?"
For the first time in my life, I (28F) got into a big argument with my dad.
Context: my parents got divorced when I was 5, he almost immediately moved in with her. I lived with my mom, went there every other weekend and half of school holidays.
The best moment of the weekend was the drive back and forth since, most of the time, it was only the two of us. The rest of the time was spent with my stepmothers and 2 of her children.
To today: my wife and I are buying a house and I asked him if he could check it out on Wednesday. His answer: just trust the estate agent, he doesn’t have time because he may watch my stepsister’s kids (he’s watching those kids every freaking week on the year, he’s been doing that for years and always complains about how much energy it takes).
I felt let down because he rarely has the occasion to show me that he cares (we have a cordial yet not deep relationship), that was one of the biggest steps of my life and he didn’t even try to be a part of it.
I thought that maybe he was hurt by the fact that we didn’t invite him to our current house so I told him it wasn’t personal, that I had nothing against him but that I didn’t feel like having my stepmother at my place because she’s always been mean to me but he was welcomed to come by himself. He refused, got offended that he discovered that I didnt like his wife (like open your eyes, she hates on me all the time??).
He said I needed to let go of the past. Offered to get dinner some day soon to talk it out. I insisted to talk it out on the phone because I didn't feel like seeing him and that it was no conversation to have in a restaurant. Here are some examples of why I can’t stand her anymore (are they exaggerated? Is he right and I should let go of them?) :
When I was doing ballet (5-6 years old), she’d say that I was too fat to dance. She forced me to get my armpits and legs waxed at 10 because she was afraid that me shaving would look bad on her wedding pics (it hurt like hell by the way and I still remember how I felt like trash).
She didn’t like me staying at home doing homework, reading or playing video games so I had to go out and hang out with my stepsisters friends. She made homophonic comments about gay marriage when she had the chance after I came out.
She encouraged me to get sleep with men « in case it turned me straight » (14 at the time) (I never told my dad). She called me too fat when I was 16 for a whole summer. She called me too skinny at 18 (I became super self conscious of my body and lost a lot of weight).
She undermined all my successes, especially school related ones. She talked behind my back a lot to other family members. She would always disagree with me about EVERYTHING; She would spend whole dinners talking about her me being a vegetarian is wrong and stupid (never said a single wrong word about her son’s vegetarian girlfriend though).
She gives me the cold shoulder very often or just acts super cold when I’m around. 23 years knowing her and 1.5 years old therapy later, I finally unloaded what I had to say. My dad thinks he did his best as a dad, that she has nothing against me and that I’m still in the past.
He’s now blaming my wife for my changing behaviour (I used to be afraid to speak up for myself). I’m not « his girl anymore » because I don’t smile as much as I used to (I’m done putting up a nice face when I’m being walked all over, thanks). Well dad, it’s called therapy 🤷🏻♀️ Was I wrong? Am I really living in the past? Should I have accepted his invite to talk about it face to face?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
You're not wrong. You've had to protect yourself from an openly hostile stepmonster for far too long, and yes, based on what you've said here, he chose his new family over you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The feeling of exclusion and watching him be happy with them must have been excruciating.
Your stepmonster is a terrible person. Basically bullying you for existing. I don't think that's about you personally at all. It's because you're a reminder of your Dad's previous marriage. I would not be surprised if she was the reason your parents split up to begin with.
Complex_Row8995 (OP)
Thank you so much for your comment! I needed to hear that. My wife has had my back and been an amazing support but having outsiders validate your feelings is feeling really good. For sure she was. My dad even introduced me to her before leaving my mom 🤦🏻♀️
NTA, ya know there is an alternate way to go about this and that is to ask you dad some questions. Like when is a time he remembers your step mother being generous or kind to you. Asking him why he didn’t have the energy for that but he did for your step kids.
Ask him why about things that are not settled, things he should have done and why he didn’t. What does he expect? Does he expect you to take care of her when she gets old, him too? Why would you be willing when he has neglected you?
Ask questions, out the burden of responsibility for his behavior and lack of time for you in him by asking him to explain it to you. Making statements about how it was can be argued, defended and deflected but asking questions is different.
Two days later, the OP returned with an update.
First of all, thank you to all the people who took the time to read me and comment! Your support has been amazing. Here is an update since some of you asked for it. I tried to keep it short but it’s not easy. Hope I’m not too long!
My big brother texted me yesterday evening asking why I took such a big decision and saying that dad is not doing okay. I called my brother this morning to talk about it.
To make a long story short, my brother’s version: I’m screwing the family dynamic and making things hard on my dad. Therapy is mostly BS and I’m just being difficult. My mom complained as well (I’ve been parentified and finally, a few months ago, felt brave enough to set boundaries).
I’ve not been nice to my dad because I didn’t give him my address (a few months ago my dad asked for my address and said he’d stop by without warning as he always does. I told him not to do, I hated it.
He brushed it off. I never gave him my address to keep my peace and quiet). I shouldn’t have said anything about my stepmother and should think about the consequences it has on the whole family.
That my words have been too harsh (my reply: « I didn’t tell him his wife was a fing beesh even though it’s my opinion so no I haven’t been too harsh). It changes everything for everyone. I should be more thankful to my parents. I shouldn’t be so hard and let people have their way or I should have spoken before.
My version: I’ve never been brave enough to talk my truth. Both my brothers have had the chance to live their lives: I was the one behind, taking care of my mom and basically being her parent.
I have a right to decide for myself: I can refuse calls after 8PM, decide who I want in my home, say no when I don’t want things to happen. I needed therapy because I’ve been complacent with everyone my whole life. I finally deserve a chance to live my own life and I’m setting my rules. Accept them, don’t discuss them and either stay or leave.
After having had my brother on the phone, I decided to call my dad. Apparently he understood that I didn’t want to see him with his wife anymore. What I meant was: I don’t want her in my home.
I told my dad that my home was my safe space and I didn’t want people I wasn’t comfortable around in it. He laughed, said he loved me but my reasoning was stupid. I told him she hurt me and I made a list if he wanted examples.
He laughed about me making a list. I gave examples, he excused them all, said I exaggerated. According to him, I was well treated: she didn’t beat me or abused me, I was fed and she did things for me.
He couldn’t give me a single example of what she « did for me ». He didn’t care about anything on the list (from my previous post), brushed it off. Even when I told him he never defended me. He said I was still his daughter, he loved me but wasn’t going to see me without his wife, that we would call anyway.
He added that his wife has been crying for days about it (like wtf?). He told me I should have talked to her. I told him I never felt safe enough to talk to her face to face. But I could call her.
Now, should I call her to tell her why I basically hate her? I just can’t decide. It’d be liberating and nobody could use the argument « you should be an adult and talk to her directly » but at the same time it feels weird to call someone why you hate them. I’ve always been conflict avoidant so this is all so new to me 😂
Edit: my mother doesn’t know (yet) about the conflict with my dad. But before that she already thought I’ve changed since I’m not ready to let everything I’m doing go to help her with minor stuffs.
For future updates: I don’t know when there will be an update but there will be one. My wife and I got married last Thursday but we only invited our friends to our wedding (it was a total of the 8 of us).
Our parents don’t know we got married (knew we were engaged). We’re sending the « we said yes! » cards today. It will make such a mess on my side of the family. Added to the previous tensions, I think you’ll have plenty to read 😂
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Your brother is pissed because with you making healthy boundaries he’s now going to be taking the brunt of your parents BS.
DO NOT CALL HER. Think about it - your dad just basically said youre full of it and nothing you say, feel or think has any merit or requires anyone to take seriously. Do you think she will be different? You wont get closure from others - closure only comes from within.
You cannot force them to see things from your perspective. You cannot even convince them to acknowledge you have one. They cannot even comprehend the fact that your perspective is what your life is lived by, and not theirs.
Take a deep breath. Think about what you expect from healthy, respectful and loving relationships. Ask yourself why this is important to you. Then define the consequences you are willing to live with, in case of breach.
You have stated a perfectly reasonable and acceptable boundary that she is not welcome in your home and given perfectly valid reasons why. If your father, who values his wife more than his daughter, is not willing to accept and adhere to this, then it's his loss.
What loss is it to you not to see a father who allowed his wife to abuse you, who never defended or protected you, who expected you to be the carer for your mother whilst your brothers got to live their lives?
Ask yourself this: If the choice is to only see your father if you are willing to allow his wife continued access and opportunity to abuse you or to see neither of them at all, isn't it an obvious choice for you to make?
Your brothers never had to deal with what you had to deal with. If they are so lacking in empathy and understanding that they are unable to understand and sympathise with your experiences, then they aren't a great loss either. Sometimes the family we get born into isn't worth keeping and we are better off finding and creating our own family to love, to spend time with, to rely on.
Six days later, the OP returned with another update.
Thank you to all of those who left a comment on the previous posts. I read all individual comments, some multiple times. I’ve loved the rocking boat analogy btw! It’s helped me so much through it and my wife had a good laugh at some of the comments. You’ve all been wonderful and so supportive. Thank you again 🤗
For those who asked, here is the update:
I followed the huge majority of your advice and didn’t call my stepmother. I didn’t reach out to her or my dad.
My wife and I sent our « we said yes » cards to announce that we got married (we only invited our 6 close friends and celebrated in a villa, 2 hours from home). We sent a total of 10 cards to family members.
Here are the reactions so far (everything is translated since I’m French):
My dad: he (surprisingly) had the best reaction on my side. He texted me « Thank you for the card. Be happy. Hugs and kisses »
My mother: called me crying, saying that I hurt her. She wished we had told her beforehand and was disappointed to learn it this way. She said she would have understood if I had said I was only inviting friends.
She added that she needed time to process it. She cancelled our dinner last night. I said I understood but still stood my ground by saying we had the wedding we wanted and that it wasn’t personal.
My wife’s mother: texted us to congratulate us, and added that we looked great in our wedding gowns.
My sister-in-law (oldest brother’s wife, I’ve known her since I was 2): texted me a horrible text.
She said she wouldn’t thank me for the card and she wouldn’t keep it. That I was using the best method to cut all ties with my family. She didn’t mind not being invited but would have wanted us to tell her beforehand (she talked on the phone with my mom before mom called me) and she would have been happy for us if we had done so.
She added that I was an adult but I still needed to reflect on my decisions to REALLY make sure I was making the right ones. She then sent another text to say that it was only coming from her, not my brother or my 3 teenage nieces.
My response was pretty firm, saying how I find her text disgusting and unfair. She had no right to talk to me in such a harsh way. That I don’t ask for opinions about my choices and that I didn’t question their choice when they chose to move to the other side of the country, I was simply happy for them and gave them my support when everybody was questioning their choices.
My brother (her husband): just texted me that it was surprising to learn the news via a card but he kinda knew it was the way we were going. He said that we looked beautiful in the photos and really happy as well. He advised me to not go NC with those who love me.
One of my nieces (their oldest daughter, we’re pretty close, she’s 17): texted me, saying we looked lovely in our pictures and she’s super happy for us. She said she would have like to share our joy on the big day but totally understood that it was our day and we deserved to decide how it went. She added that my brother hid the card so it wouldn’t be thrown away. It really helped me feel better ❤️🩹
I’m still waiting on my other brother’s reaction (the one who called me last time) (also one of aunts but she’s super cool, I’m not worried). My wife is waiting on her grandparents’ and her aunt’s.
Here is the reason why we didn’t want to tell anyone: we found it cocky to tell people « we’re getting married but you’re not invited ». Also, my mom is a pro at guilt tripping me. She says she would have liked to know but I’m 100% she would have tried to change my mind.
She would have texted on D-Day something like « Enjoy your day. Still very sad to not be part of it but that’s your decision ». All my family would have talked behind my back (they do it about everybody) and negativity would have ensured before our big day.
We didn’t want to take any risk of negative comments being made. We chose to send cards to make it more official, we printed cards with pictures and sealed it my golden wax. We didn’t want just to tell them on the phone.
Also, I can’t tell one thing to a family member without them calling the other immediately to talk about it. Telling them one by one would have meant taking the risk to let somebody else announce it (I’m sure they’d say they wouldn’t do it but I don’t trust them anymore).
I really don’t think any of them would been happy for us if we had told them beforehand. I think that they’re hurt they were not part of it but it’s easier to blame it on something else.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Honestly fair. Mom can be top tier guilt trippers, glad you are looking out for yourself and wishing you the best moving forward!!
The only thing I'd fault you for is the cards. Not a huge thing, but a misstep, IMO.
Sometimes family isn't what you are born with, it's what you make for yourself. You've got a solid friend group and person who loves you and that's enough. Stop worrying and leave the evil people who don't really care about you behind.