'AITA for telling my biological daughter I was nothing more than an egg donor and that her real mother is the woman who raised her?'
"AITA for telling my biological daughter I was nothing more than an egg donor and that her real mother is the woman who raised her?"
Sorry this is long, but it’s complicated and I really need some perspective. Twenty five years ago my close friend Clara and her husband James were struggling with infertility Clara couldn’t conceive or use her own eggs.
She asked me if I would consider carrying a baby for them to use my egg and James’s sperm. I had already had my two kids and was done having children I was hesitant at first but eventually I agreed because I wanted to help my friend become a mother.
Nine months later their daughter Bella was born. From the start Clara and James raised her as their own I’ve always been “Auntie” to her just a close family friend and that’s all she ever knew.
My own kids always knew the truth I never hid it from them. They understood that Bella was biologically related to them and that I had helped my friend start a family. I never told Bella anything because I truly didn’t feel it was my place, It was something her parents needed to decide if or when to tell her.
A few weeks ago Bella and her fiancé were at his family’s house and they all did one of those DNA kits for fun. When the results came back Bella saw that she had Cuban and Black ancestry which confused her since she knows both her parents are white. Instead of asking them, she used the combination to their safe which she had learned a while back and started going through their personal documents.
She found an old photo of me pregnant in a hospital bed with Clara holding my hand and she also found paperwork about Clara’s infertility. After that she started pulling away especially from Clara and none of us understood why until everything exploded.
My family and I were over at Clara and James’s house helping with wedding prep. At one point Clara and I were in the kitchen talking about my kids and Clara mentioned that I had paid for both of their weddings she wished she could do the same for her daughter.
Bella must have overheard because she walked in and suddenly said that I should be paying for her wedding too since she’s also my daughter. I was totally thrown off. Clara asked what she meant and Bella just snapped.
She said I was her real mother and accused Clara and James of lying to her. She said she had grown up in a fake home while my kids got the life she was supposed to have she slammed the photo on the table and stormed out with her fiancé.
The next day Clara asked me to come over. Bella didn’t want to but showed up later after Clara begged her. She told us about the DNA test and going through the safe and how she felt like this answered something she had always felt deep down.
She said she’s always been jealous of my kids not just for their vacations or home life but also because I gave them a good life without anyway hardships. She said she still loves Clara but feels like she never really belonged and now she thinks I’m the missing piece. She even called Clara a child snatcher.
That’s when I stepped in I told her she needed to stop talking to Clara like that. She turned to me and said "you’re my real mother why don’t you love me?" I told her as calmly as I could that I was nothing more than an egg donor. I told her I love her like a niece and that’s all.
Clara is her mother not me. I wasn’t the one who raised her. I wasn’t there for her childhood, Clara was. I never saw her as my daughter because that wasn’t the role I had in her life.
She left again crying and since then has sent me over twenty messages. Some are angry and some are pleading. She’s asked me to meet with her and James because she says we’re her real parents. She says she loves Clara but insists she’s always felt a disconnect and that I’m the reason why.
Clara and I have been in touch since the blow up and we’re both heartbroken. My husband thinks I should have a one on one with Bella but honestly I feel like there’s nothing left to say.
I didn’t raise her Clara did She was always a wonderful mother and up until now she and Bella had a great relationship. I don’t know why Bella is spiraling like this. Clara was there for every birthday, every school day, every scraped knee, heartbreak, and milestone.
I made peace with my role in Bella’s life a long time ago. I never saw myself as her mother, not because I didn’t care, but because that was never the agreement. I helped a friend become a mother, and I kept that promise. So AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Real talk Bella needs therapy not closure this ain’t about biology it’s about some deep resentment she’s been sitting on and now she got a reason to unleash it.
Exactly, by the sounds of it she's been jealous of Op's families lifestyle for her entire life. Now she's found out Op gave birth to her and all that jealousy has been focused into an it should have been me feeling.
Op possibly needs to be clear that if it wasn't for her real mum who raised her, she wouldn't be alive. That Op was done with having kids and that the only reason she's here is because Op's friends wanted a child.
Sounds like Bella is having an existential crisis.
This is why you don't lie to children. You tell them the truth from day one.
Eggdonormother (OP)
Truly I do think this was a conversation that should’ve happened years ago but Clara and James were against it saying they weren’t ready. I hate that this blew up in their face like this but it was bound to happen at one point.
Agree. This is not your fault this is the fault of her parents. Always tell children if they are adopted or have a situation like this when they are young. Then it’s just matter of fact and the norm. Also bio parents need to be known to address health issues.
I think something else is going on with her and her mom though, I would advise Clara to work through that because that seems like the real problem. There’s likely some issues your not aware of.
Eggdonormother (OP)
Definitely! I have a folder with my family’s history that was drafted and given to her parents when she turned 18. As to what they’ve done with that folder I am unsure. My husband has been pushing the one on one because of how fast she was willing to dismiss Clara as her mother.
Hopefully the next time we speak in person we can better communicate and understand each others perspectives while still keeping clear boundaries. Thank you!
Clara and James really screwed up here. This is a conversation you have very early on. As soon as the child can understand, you give an age appropriate explanation and add to that as they grow up.
I’ve seen it with adopted children where it blows up in the same way and it’s critical that children learn this in a safe controlled manner. It’s no wonder Bella is having an existential bloody crisis; she learned this late in the worst way possible and that’s her parent’s fault.
NTA. However, it seems less that she feels "disconnected" with Clara and more that she sees the money you have that Clara didn't. I wonder how much she actually wants to connect vs family money. You’re NTA, but Clara and James absolutely are.